Indigo

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It sits there like a photograph,
a still life painted
in the corners of my mind.
Leaning closer, I brush aside the cobwebs
and taste the colours on my fingertips;
remember the smell
of fresh-mown grass on a summer’s evening.
Those were the nights when I would
watch the watercolour sunset
fast-forward into grey mist.

Static.
Adjust my mind, clear the picture –
I step outside.

The night is thick and warm, my skin is pale
in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool.
I break the seal on perfection
making the stars shiver,
sliding beneath the water without a sound.
And the place I remember most,
fragmented by half-formed thoughts,
slips from my hands like a dream
and ripples away
in the non-existent breeze of time
Last edited by bubblewrapped on Sat Jan 19, 2008 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Wow...

This is excellent. Your structure and descriptions are flawless, and there are so many lines here that are just plain awesome; my favorite being "in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool." And you capture the scene just right...

This is now my favorite poem. Anywhere.

Positively, absolutely superb.




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I'm not a fan of poetry, but I read this and for once, I was really impressed and engrossed by a poem.

I can't comment on it much, I'm nothing of a poet, but it sounds and reads excellently. This was really really good.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




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Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Does anyone have any title suggestions? I think "Midnight Swim" is kinda mundane but I was in a hurry at the time and just tacked it on...any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Midnight Swim fits it very well, actually. I think it would be good for this poem.

The description in this poem was the best overall. Very good and thorough, I love it.
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.




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Midnight Swim is a good title. You could use 'Ripples', I like that one.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




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"Ripples" is good...Thanks for your suggestions. I used "Indigo" when I posted this on Fiction Press, which seemed to go down well. I'll have to keep thinking though, as I have yet to find a title that seems to fit to me. I'm very fussy with titles, LOL. Sometimes I write for a title, other times I fuss over them until I get it just right...I guess this is going to be one of those times. :oops:
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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this IS a good poem--why i cant write like you...i may never know.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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Wow, I really liked it, especcially all the wonderful imagery and emotions. Two thing would make it better: 1. Abetter title (this one sounds like skinny-dipping, no offense) and 2. Punctuation.




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This is really beautiful Bubbles. Kind of feel like I've come out of a trance after reading that...

I love;

"Leaning closer, I brush aside the cobwebs
and taste the colours on my fingertips;'

and

"in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool."

and

"the non-existent breeze of time".

I wish I could be more helpful, but I think I'm in love with this...amazing.
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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Only one suggestion: Change the title.

Only one description: Beautiful.

Great images. Great wording. Great feel. Great job.
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real?




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Need it be said again? This is excellent. You describe everything so beautifully, your use of imagery is great - watercolour sunset, tasting colours on your fingertips...Also, I like the way you made the change of scene a separate, short stanza. Great work.
Matt.



I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina