Hollowman

Trent clocked himself out, and stepped outside. He reached in his coat pocket to find his cigarettes.

“Hey,” a car pulled up beside him. Claire leaned over the passenger seat. “You want a ride home?”

Without answering, he got in the car.

“Missed you at school today.”

“Uh, yeah, I had another shift to cover. What did I miss?”

“Like you care,” she smirked. Then her eyebrows knitted together as she got a better look at him. “Trent, you look awful.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“I’m serious. Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little tired. I worked two shifts today, Claire.”

“You don’t have to get so defensive.”

Trent sighed. “I told you I was tired. I’ve been kind of on edge all day.” He leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes.

Claire wasn’t convinced but didn’t dare take the conversation further. Trent was real testy these days. “Get some sleep when you get home, okay? It’s really not good for you to skip out on it so much and soon it’s going to catch up to you. And show up to school every now and then, will you? You’ll be working here at Jim’s for the rest of your life if you drop out.”

Trent nodded in acknowledgement, not agreement. Claire could be such a nag, and he was sure she knew it. No use pointing it out; she’d only nag more.

Claire was the only person Trent did not ask to drop him off a few blocks away from the mobile park. Not only because she would have refused to do so, but because she was one of the only people Trent felt he could trust.

The car pulled to a stop. “Here we are.”

“Thanks. I’ll give you some money for gas when I get my check at the end of the week.”

“Don’t start that. I don’t want your money.”

“I don’t care what you want. I’m giving you a little bit of cash for doing me these favors.”

Claire turned off the car and turned to face Trent. “Look, these aren’t favors. I’m your friend. Is it so bad to want to help a friend out?”

“You drive me to work and back every other day, Claire. You give me lunch money, you do half my homework, hell, you’ve even bought Alec’s formula before—“

“Trent Nathaniel Taylor, I refuse to hear another word of this, just as I’ll refuse any money you think you owe me.”

“Fine,” Trent threw his hands up in defeat. “I actually don’t have time to argue. Mom is getting ready for work right now and I need to watch Alec.”

“I’m going to ignore that, since I specifically told you to sleep when you get home.”

Trent shrugged. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and Alec will just watch cartoons the whole time.”

“I’d stay and help out, but mom wants me to go over some college crap with me.”

“You’ve done enough Claire.”

Claire started up the car as Trent got out. “Believe me, you’d be doing me a favor if I could get out of it. But I can’t. See you at school tomorrow?”

“Sure. I'll be there.”

the dialogue is realistic, the situation is realistic, but i get about as much out of reading this as i would watching a lifetime movie of the week.

Hey Rose!

I haven't seen you in forever, so I thought it would only be kind to rekick off our friendship with a critique. ^_^

“Hey,” a car pulled up beside him.

This isn't a dialogue tag, so there should be a period after "Hey" and the second part should be its own sentence.

“Like you care,” she smirked.

Smirked is like a smile, so again this isn't a dialogue tag.

Claire was the only person Trent did not ask to drop him off a few blocks away from the mobile park. Not only because she would have refused to do so, but because she was one of the only people Trent felt he could trust.

This is confusing?

Claire turned off the car and turned to face Trent.

The use of turned twice makes this funny.

“You’ve done enough, Claire.”

Trent Nathaniel Taylor, I refuse to hear another word of this, just as I’ll refuse any money you think you owe me.

One thing that really got me about this passage is the relationship between the two characters. I was really at a loss. Brother and Sister? ... Mom and son? Girlfriend and boyfriend? Then I found out friends. And it makes dialogue like this even more bothersome, because she's talking to him like a kid, and it's just odd, and he talks back to her like a child, and maybe you wanted that, but it makes the relationship even more hazy than it is on its own.

This is OK, but you have lots to add to it. It's a real bare scene right now. The conflict is there, although I'm not entirely sure what kind of conflict it is. I can see the problem but so far I do not know enough about the characters and their situation to be entirely sure, which is OK.

You wrote this like I tend to do. Your focus is all on dialogue. Dialogue is awesome. But what about everything else? What is the setting? Their posture, and body language? So much can be said with no words (dialogue) at all. Keep in mind imagery. Scent, taste, touch, sight, sound. Don't just give us conflict, pull us into their world. You know?

Make this meatier. That's about all I have to say on it. I'm not sure what else. Perhaps clarify the relationship, and give us a bit more to go on. Why should I read on?

i like it...but will there be more?

it wasn't bad, but it needs a lot of work. i can't really say anything else that Suzanne hasn't said, so i'll leave it at that. but i will press what she said and say that you need more than just dialog. but one thing i must say is that i seriously question the G rating. it appeared to me that he was underage smoking, he cursed twice, and they were getting really angry at each other. make this PG...i know it doesn't make much difference on a site of 13 and up (mostly), but still...

i would do what Suzanne said, especially with adding more to the dialog and also what she said about how the girl was talking to him like a kid. i definitely noticed that.

keep writing!

Teh Wozzinator

I'll have to...agree with the others, you need to flesh up your story. I get the impression this isn't all there is, or maybe I just can't see the relation to the title. Some tags would help with the dialogue, also.

Plot wise, I liked it. It seems like there was a lot of things you didn't say explicitly, but they were still there to be understood, which I liked. ^_^ Good work.