The ballad of moon and son

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 72
Days and nights and eons ago
the sun ran away from the moon.
he went to parts unknown--the universe
he said,
was his oyster.
mama moon didn't know what he meant
but she let him go.
she knew
because mamas always know these things
that if she made him stay
his light would dim down
till there was nothing left

so
she let him go
and her heart, that once
was so strong,
so pure, it sang lullabyes to the cosmos
s
___ha
t
___t
_e
___r
________ed

and so the stars where born.
"El sueño de la razon produce monstrisos"
--Fransisco de Goya




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10087
Reviews 701
Beautiful. Truly beautiful.

Days and nights and eons ago
the sun ran away from the moon.
he went to parts unknown--the universe
he said,
was his oyster.


Love this section. "Days and nights and eons ago" - awesome! Just one dash should do between "unknown" and "the universe". Otherwise, great.

mama moon didn't know what he meant
but she let him go.
she knew
because mamas always know these things
that if she made him stay
his light would dim down
till there was nothing left


Do I have to say beautiful again? I cant find anything to critique about this bit. Its perfect. I love it.

so
she let him go
and her heart, that once
was so strong,
so pure, it sang lullabyes to the cosmos
s
___ha
t
___t
_e
___r
________ed

and so the stars where born.


The only thing I recommend for this verse is...uh...aha, yes, I have found one thing. "where" should read "were". And "lullabyes" should read "lullabies". Otherwise, magnifico. I really love that last line. And the line about singing lullabies to the cosmos. Breathtaking. Great work - keep it up!
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 221
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ech bubble, Beautiful!

Days and nights and eons ago


^Absolute favourite line!
Oh, you're angry! Click your pen.
--Music and Lyrics




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 72
Thanks for the spelling things, bubble, I'll fix them. (I am the reason Spell Check was invented, I swear to God(dess).)

Thank you guys!! I really love this poem, so it's nice to hear it well recieved.
"El sueño de la razon produce monstrisos"
--Fransisco de Goya




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3941
Reviews 488
i love the picture this part paints

Days and nights and eons ago
the sun ran away from the moon.
he went to parts unknown--the universe
he said,
was his oyster.

and "[singing] lullbies to the cosmos", wonderful.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 128
You know I love this piece, darling. And since I already commented on it at that Other Place (*shudders in fear*), I won't. Except to say that it's one of my FAVORITES of yours.

Love you!!
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 72
*beams* I'm so glad people like this poem so much. It's actually a Christmas present for a dear friend of mine, and so I'm glad it isn't horrible. yay!!
"El sueño de la razon produce monstrisos"
--Fransisco de Goya



life is so much better with tater tots
— AilahEvelynMae