your everything

I promise you I tried to be everything that you wanted me to be.
But it wasn't enough.
It just wasn't enough.
Don't mind choking on cold regrets.
I'm already ill from the monotony of this suffering.
You're manifestly too important to keep off my mind.
Evidently, you're everything to me.
Your love is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
You'll never ever know how much you mean to me...
Hold my hand, don't let go of it.
Let me lie on your chest, let me feel your heart beat.
It's music to my ears...
Put your hand in mine.
Never let go.
I'm losing control and it's all that I can do.
Your kisses infect me.
The bites marks on my neck never felt so good.
Oh, how the thermostat is useless when I'm with you.



What do you think?

You? Bad at poetry?
I think not!
The grammar and flow of this is flawless, but I think a little imagery would be nice. I'm a horrible poet so I won't be able to provide examples, but I thought of copper-coloured hair falling in soft billows around pale, rain-flecked skin. But that's just me. I'm odd that way. ;wink:

Anyways, please keep writing poetry! This was excellent!
Cheers,
Ayra

YES. YOU SUCK.

No, really, why ask such a question like that? XD

We don't answer questions like that here, really. Our purpose is to help you get better. Yes... welcome to YWS.

Anyway! I digress.

Make it more bitter. Right now, it seems to be teetering on five different emotions, but it's sounding apathetic. Which is probably not a good thing. Narrow it down, otherwise it's going to sound cold when you want it gooey with bitterness.

That is really good!

My only suggestion is that you could seperate this part:

Put your hand in mine. Never let go. I'm losing control and it's all that I can do. Your kisses infect me.

Into two or three lines.
(Unless that is you expressing your own voice though, then by all means just keep it the way it is.)

Very good!

Hm. Well, it was OK, but to be honest it left me kind of cold.

I think part of the problem is that each of the lines you've used (with the possible exception of the last one, which I think is quite good) could in my opinion have been drawn intact from any of a trillion love poems the world over. Not only that, but you switch tracks so often and so abruptly that there is no sense of cohesion. It seems more like the bare bones from which a poem might be generated, rather than an actual poem in its own right.

I suggest perhaps taking that last line and building a new poem around it, using this poem as a base. Take a piece of paper and brainstorm how you can convey the feelings listed above without stating them directly. What images do they evoke? What can you liken them to? The thermostat is a good example; I immediately understand how the poet feels, without her having to tell me that so and so is "everything to me", because I can imagine the sensation myself. The rest of the poem is nothing more than you telling me how you feel, and frankly, I don't care.

My advice in a nutshell:

1. Show, don't tell.
2. Use more literary techniques, such as metaphors and analogies.
3. Really push yourself to develop interesting, unique and meaningful images that your reader can connect with. We don't want reconstituted lines that could come from anyone - we want to know what is significant about your personal experience, and why it warrants our attention.
4. Choose your images carefully, and make sure they can all be clearly related to a central theme. You want to make your transitions smoother, and perhaps your lines shorter, so that the ideas don't feel rushed.
5. Read more poetry. I recommend e. e. cummings, although I am biased XD

Cheers,
~bubbles