With All My Love

With All My Love

It has been twenty years since my favorite aunt passed away. Though she was a great person and has contributed a great deal, the one memory of her which I treasure the most is the one I have of her on the day she passed away. I still remember the day as clearly as if it the event had transpired only yesterday…

It was a fine sunny morning on the 14th of June. I just received a call from my mother telling me that my Aunt Sophie was looking for me. Aunt Sophie was my favorite aunt. This was not because she pampered me all day, no, she was never like that. What I loved about her was that you could talk to her just about everything and you could count on her to know exactly what to say and do. After the phone call, I felt a combination of joy and anxiety. Joy because it has been eleven years since I last saw her. Anxiety because she has been confined in the hospital for four months now since she was first diagnosed with Colorectal cancer, and the latest news was that she was at a critical stage. I feared death is fast closing in on her and that’s why she asked for me.

When I arrived at her hospital room, I was shocked by the sight that greeted me. I barely recognized my aunt. The last time I saw her was at her husband's funeral. My aunt was wearing black and her face had tears streaking down. But, even then, she was still a sight to behold. My aunt was born with a natural beauty to her. The figure lying on the bed, gazing out of the window was nowhere near the beautiful person I had known. What I saw on the bed was a ghost of the beauty it once has been. What used to be a figure which every woman admired was now stick-thin with sallow skin; her once lustrous hair was now dull and lifeless. Sorrow bubbled up inside me as I stood there by the door, transfixed by the sight. I couldn’t remember how long I stood there before my aunt noticed my presence.

“Celine? Is that you?” asked my aunt. It was then that I noticed her singer’s voice has turned raspy due to lack of use.

“Yes, it’s me…. My mom just called and told me that you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, I was looking for you. Come and sit here beside me. Make yourself feel at home.”

I willed my legs to move and approach the bed. My legs were numb, as if five hours have passed since I last used them. When I reached the bed, I realized my aunt looked worse up close. I just sat there by the bed waiting for my aunt to speak while trying to avoid looking at her. Five minutes had gone by before she spoke up.

“Isn’t the world so beautiful? So lively? I wish that at this moment I’m out there reveling in the warm rays of the sun.”

I couldn’t answer her without breaking down so I decided to remain silent. When after a couple of minutes I still didn’t answer, she slowly turned around and faced me.

“Celine? Dear? Are you all right? You haven’t said a single word since sitting here beside me.”

I gathered myself and made sure that my voice wouldn’t crack before I spoke.

“Don’t worry Aunt Sophie, I’m all right. Nothing’s wrong.”

Hearing my answer, I saw my aunt’s gaze sharpen and focus on me with intensity. I felt as if she could see right through my insides, as if she were trying to read what was on my mind. After a while, she let out a long sigh.

“Celine, you of all people, know better than to lie to me. Something’s bothering you…. It’s me isn’t it?”

Okay… I take back what I said, she wasn’t trying to read my mind, she was reading it!

“Now dear, don’t be silly, you know I can’t read minds.”

“If you can’t then how did you know what I just thought of?”

“My dear girl, you said the words out loud if you didn’t notice.”

“Uh… I guess I didn’t notice... but that still doesn’t explain how you knew about my first thought.”

“Ah… there’s the niece that I’ve always loved, always full of questions. My dear, even if you didn’t say it out loud I saw it in your eyes and how whenever I looked at you, your eyes would dart away as if you couldn’t stand to look at me.”

I looked down at my lap and blushed furiously knowing how obvious it was. I remembered how my mom used to tell me that reading me was like reading an open book because my emotions showed up on my face all the time. When I looked up, my aunt was looking out the window again, now listening to the chirping of the birds by the window sill. Seeing as that she was on her deathbed and free of any care, along with the knowledge that she could die any time soon, broke open the dam of my emotions. Before I knew it I was standing and shouting.

“How??? How can you just lay there and act as if nothing is wrong?? You can die at any given time!! Don't you feel any fear of the uncertainty that is sure to meet you when you die??”

“Celine, please, sit down and calm yourself.” The sound of her voice was weaker than the one she used before, and got my attention and so I sat down before she continued on. “I know my time is almost up. I know I may not look like it, but I’m really scared whenever I think that I’m going to die. I’ve grown too attached to this world and I’m afraid to let go. I’m frightened that if I let go, my memories of this world will vanish. The reason why I act as I do now is because if I’m about to die now, why should I waste my last minutes here on earth denying the inevitability of death? I want to leave seeing the world in all its beauty. Don’t you think it a waste that people always fail to see and appreciate the world’s beauty until they are about to leave it? Now, the reason why I wanted to see you is because I want to entrust you something which I have treasured more than anything else. But, before I give it to you, let me say farewell to it for the last time. Please hand me the letter on top of that table.”

I stood up and picked up the letter. I noticed it was worn out from being read a lot of times. When I handed the letter over to her she opened it as carefully as if it was made of silk. She read the letter slowly, digesting each word. When she finished, she had a smile on her face. She carefully folded the letter, handed it back to me and she whispered, “This is my treasure; please take good care of it.” With that, my aunt slowly closed her eyes and I knew it would be the last time she would do so. She will never open them again. At that moment, the birds that had stopped singing while we talked suddenly burst out in song as if they were mourning my aunt’s passing. I looked at her and saw sunlight streaming through the window onto my aunt. I also noticed that she had a slight smile on her face. Bathing in sunlight with a smile on her face, she was a dazzling sight. The tears that I’ve been holding back now flowed freely.

As I lie here on my own deathbed, I understood exactly how she felt. And as I am about to leave this world, I thought it wise to tell you of her story so that someone out there will remember that a great person, who was afraid of death and yet still faced it, did exist somewhere in the world. And the letter she entrusted to me? It’s still here with me as it had always been since that day. Here’s what was written:

My Dearest Sophie,
I know that by the time this letter reaches you I would have gone. And, if I’m right, you would be crying yourself out so decided to write this to assure you that I am in a good place. You have no reason to worry about me. Think of my absence as just one of those times when I’m on a business trip.

Do you remember the times when we used to dream of going on a huge adventure out into the unknown? Well, here I am, having that big adventure although without you. I’m sorry for not including you but it isn’t your time yet. You will have your own big adventure when your time arrives.

Sophie, my love, I’m a selfish man, especially when it comes to you but I’m going to do the right thing. I ask that you open your heart and love once more. I’m not going to lie to you that this will hurt me but I know that what I’m asking you to do will help you. Don’t be afraid to love because you deserve the right to love again. Fear not of forgetting me because a part of me will always be with you. I’ll always be in your heart and will love no matter what.

I guess this is the part where I say farewell but one last thing. When the time comes for you to go on this adventure as well, I’d like you to know that I’ll be waiting at the other side, ready to take you into my arms again. But, until then I’ll be counting the minutes before we can be together again. Farewell.

With all my love,
David

Awwww...That was so sweet and sad!

I really like this, the story was told well and I liked how you ended it with that letter. And...well...I really liked it.

Keep up the good work :D,

-- M.B.Author

i loved this story, very well written. very discriptive. it had me to the very end. i could feel the emotions, here the birds, see the sunshine and feel the loss. very sad , but also very true. you are awesome, keep writing. and i will keep reading .

You said you wanted a critique by me

But stick through the whole thing. I started out with the tearing up part first, but I'd do that even if you were Dickens. In fact, I'd probably just tear Dickens to shreds...

Grammar & Diction

Though she was a great person and has contributed a lot of things

Replace 'things' with another word; it's far too general and immediately distracts the reader. In fact, you can avoid it altogether by just saying 'contributed a great deal...'

I just received a call from my mother telling me that my Aunt Sophie was looking for me. Aunt Sophie was my favorite aunt.

You should combine these two sentences. Say, "...telling me that Sophie, my favorite aunt, was looking..."

gladness and anxiety.

I don't think gladness is a word. Try joy instead.

The last time that I saw her she was wearing black, her face had tears streaking down as she mourned for the death of her husband.

This is a bit confusing as there is a lot of noun confusion going on here. Reword to something like: "The last time I saw her was at her husband's funeral. My aunt was wearing black and her face had tears streaking down."

My legs were numb, as if it five hours have passed since I last used them.

Get rid of the 'it' and the 'have.'

With that, my aunt slowly closed her eyes and I knew that it would be the last time she will do so.

There's verb confusion here. The 'knew' is past tense, but the 'will' is future tense. Either change the 'knew' to 'know' or the 'will' to 'would.' And also get rid of 'that.'



Overall, your grammar and diction is actually quite good, but there are a couple of elements you want to avoid. Number one, get rid of almost all your 'that's. They are rarely necessary. Number two, you use passive voice too often. Here's a good tutorial on it:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... tpass.html

General Comments

Your first paragraph seems unnecessary; it doesn't add much of anything to the story and doesn't really grab the attention of the reader. Consider cutting it out. However, your second paragraph pulls the reader in and made me interested in the story.

Your ending was done well. It brought the story full circle, and I liked how you ended with the text of the letter.

However, the one part that struck me as strange was the girl's outburst. It pretty much came out of left field. Instead of just throwing it at the reader, build it up first. That emotion did not come from no where. Also, avoid using caps. Exclamation marks are sufficient to show us that she is yelling.

I would recommend that you read this out loud. There are still some grammar mistakes that I didn't point out above, but you can easily catch those mistakes by just reading this to yourself. I say this because by reading the story out loud, you force yourself to read it slowly and consider every word. Thus, you catch more mistakes.

The story also needs to be longer. What you have here could easily make an excellent 10 to 15 page short story. You could even use this as an opening to a novel. You could call it "The Letter Carriers," and it's about how the letter gets passed from person to person.

Final Thoughts

Overall, I think you did a good job with this. It's a good read, and you definitely added a lot of emotion in here that worked well. Sometimes a story gets too cheesy for its own good, but the way you wrote this suggests something like this happened to you. If not, then you did an excellent job of embedding emotion into the piece.

So keep it up! I really liked this

This was sweet. I liked how there were different stories overlapping each other: the story of the girl loosing her aunt, of the aunt loosing her life, of the uncle 'losing' his wife, etc. That was really well done.

I know me already read your story beforehand but it was incomplete! Hahaa now I get it why you meant that it'd be a tearjerker! hehe. Well I really liked the story and how the 3 lives connected with each other. It's glad that you were able to thought of something to write! I wasn't... wahhz.. I wonder who your inspiration was? haha! Well so far, I've only been bothered a bit by the many it's and that's. Well I liked it! Hope you write another one!! =)

hahaha!

Tiff> dude, no one inspired me.. the idea just suddenly dropped out of nowhere while we taking a calculus quiz! and yes, I've been trying to lessen my use of "that" and "is", still working on them though..

Nate> thank you! I think I would have made a long story out of it but I had to rush it for English and we were told that the maximum pages to be used is 3, the text Arial 12 with double spacing