Lycan #1

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Hunger, hunger. The feeling dominated all other senses. It beckoned for attention and wrangled every loophole that could deny its passion. The slits that made as eyes for the large being cracked a little as its chest began heaving great breaths once again. It was feeding time.


It stretched an abundant collection of mingled bones and floundered as its weighted stomach gave yet another plea. It had waited too long. It might not be able to make it now. Its eyes wandered over the desolate surroundings and were soon to regain their natural nocturnal vision. Everything came into sight, from the small spiders crawling over the long talons at the end of its feet, to the tree that lie behind another five miles away.


It stood to its full extent releasing an uncontrolled roar from the pit of its throat and then returned to all fours where it began grazing the dirt floor gracefully and without disturbance. Thoughts with much angst lingered around its mind trying to gain access. Food. That was the only motive.


Its mouth opened and became entranced with thoughts of tender dear meat lingering with saliva, a bear cub astray from its mother, or an ailed human that may have found themselves unable to return to civilization. Its jaw stayed locked as its mind gently caressed the last fantasy. It knew of a pack not too far off. Where the humans gathered in groups, not concluding any strange happenings and dazed at only what lie before them. Yes, that’s where it would go.


Its feet trampled over one another quickly losing the grace that had once held them captive and moved with more determination towards food. Sharp teeth crunching into the dead center, pulling out what was soft and full of continuous pumping juices, a perverse ecstasy, so palatable.

It punched at the root of desire and probed gingerly at its lumbering bi-muscles. Quicker? It asked. Can we go to Black quicker? It shook its head to impart the nagging impulse. This was a fast as they could travel without falling over they’re powerful limbs.


It was happening again, the hunger was pulling away from its owner, they were becoming too separate beings in a race for what they both wanted most. I’ll beat you this time! Cried Hunger. It always had a tendency to be driven back inside once food was spotted.
No! It panicked, somehow the legs that carried it moved at faster more efficient speeds.


Eventually trailing behind pure lust maliciously, Hunger grew tired of racing and began cajoling its owner. Almost there. It whispered. Only a couple more miles, I can smell it. Hunger was right, they both could smell it. Flesh piously lavishing what was underneath. Covering what the creature knew rightfully belonged to it, and in such a teasing manner. It ran still deftly through the forest dodging the trees that barricaded civilization from the wild. The longing was too much, and the impulse too strong. Finally, what had seemed inevitable. They arrived at Black.


No, they didn’t stop, they kept running almost frolicking. They were here! Its forepaws on pivotal notice as they approached a too-smooth surface. Such a transition that they almost fell but soon caught themselves as food began racing down the black pervaded lane.


An eccentric light illuminated Black as Hunger and the creature converged once more. In one quick sleek action its procure bounding became a strangled leap as it pounced on top of the moving object. The strange cool surface swerved and swiveled on the graveled pavement as the creature punctured the fragile glass with a paw. It was in. It reached and clawed the air searching franticly for what it could smell so close. Screams entering through its sensitive ears and making it even harder to grasp what was now swatting that sweet and tender skin.


It couldn’t help it anymore, its snout investigated the hole curiously as its tongue hanged loosely gnarled and dry from lack of substance. Then, it faltered having been hit hard on its nose and gave what it could muster of a cry. Tears burned in its eyes and it looked up towards the sky where its eyes reached a barbaric glint. It caught site of the sparkling orb that hovered with much semblance.

It had no power to resist. A burning sensation scarred its lungs as they tremored with the impact. Then in one finally swoon, a piercing howl vaulted the sky. It was over. The eardrums of the small human busted splattering some of that tasty juice on the glass. The tongue of the beast wildly licked at it as the smooth moving object could no long be controlled and yawed into the no longer quiet forest.

The window was fully shattered before the creature managed a large paw through and began grasping for the body. Once handled, it was yanked out viciously and vehemently torn apart until nothing was left but a few hard to swallow bones. It licked its talons and then eyed the car suspiciously.

Its eye began to twitch as it became aware of a low whimpering sound. With rendering vocation, the creature turned its head to one side, waiting hopefully for other senses to be alerted. One specimen, on human was left in the car. The sensation awkwardly subsided and the creature froze almost in shock. This passion for this trembling being, it was nondescript, it was a hunger for more than food.

When it became tedious of the staring game they were playing with one another it reached carefully in through the car window and pulled the human out with a newfound dexterity. Only when it gasped for air after holding it for too long did the creature sense the fear that was in a word, unattractive, and sullenly yet soberly covered the human’s small body with its large one. Once again the sensation of hunger returned.
Last edited by Riedawriter23 on Sun Apr 29, 2007 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I'll tell you my impressions of the story first. So basically, it's going to be pretty depressing as I label what's wrong and go on and on. So expect to be dishearten, but only for a while. Stay with me and it'll eventually get better. ;)

So!

This is a very vague, very abstract piece that deals with hunger. It's a little overwrought and tends to repeat itself by constantly reminding the reader about the hunger. Did I mention hunger? ;)

With that said, let's go one with the critique!

First of all, I said vague and abstract. Note that, from what you told me, this is probably not the route you want to take. You want to present an image, a scene, a feeling, and make it so strong that we, the lovely readers, feel it. Right now it's a little confusing because it's so wordy. Let's deal with one paragraph to come up with a concrete example:

It stood to its full extent releasing an uncontrolled roar from the pit of its throat and then returned to all fours where it began grazing the dirt floor gracefully and without disturbance. Thoughts with much angst lingered around its mind trying to gain access. Food. That was the only motive.


The main thing that makes this sound really vague is the lack of sex. Is this a he or a she? By saying it, you are drawing attention to this word and it's just driving me crazy. Don't hide this much to your reader!

Then there's the "stood to the full extent." Why can't you just say it stood on its hind legs? You're being extra wordy in hopes that it may possibly be smoother, but that's usually not the case at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Let's go further. An uncontrolled roar is okay, but a roar already indicates it comes from the pit of the throat. And grazing, in this context, indicates it's eating the dirt. Ooookay? And apparently he does it gracefully?

See? By adding more words, you're actually creating a monster.

That was one sentence. Going further, we find that it has angsty thoughts. Do we care? No. You're telling us that it's angsty. So what?

And that's the other thing. This story seems forced in that you're telling us what is going on. It does this, it does that, okay. We know. But we're not brought in the scene and that's why this story fails its purpose.

Depressing, isn't it?

Now this is the part of the critique where I am supposed to inspire you and stuff into fixing up the story. Let's hope this works. XD

The main thing about the story, the main thing I did like, was the POV. It's pretty cool to have hunger be the driving force, and in a way it reminds me of some Jack London stories I've read where the main character is a drive of nature. And the fact that you want to do this view point or perspective is pretty spiffy. So yeah... this is definitely worth salvaging.

With that said, a couple of suggestions:

Try to make it more human! You want to make werewolves sex machines? Fine! But what we humans think as sexy is creatures that think and can be human. So don't be afraid to personify the werewolf and make it more human. If you want sexual tension, that's the way to do it! :D

Don't be so concerned with describing everything that's going on! Back away and let the reader form conclusions. We're smart fellows... we can do that. :D

And KEEP WRITING. Otherwise, I'm going to have to sic the unicorns on you. ;)

Hope that helps!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I became very hungry while reading :) :lol: It was a good piece, though I have to side with the above. Very abstract and strange. :? :)
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Hey Rieda,

This has been in my stack for awhile now, but I finally got around to finishing it.

:D

If there is anything that is unclear or my handwriting is just that illegible shout out to me.

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I think your biggest problem is POV.

In this because it is abstract you don't designate a clear POV very well. We needed to know clearly who is who. If you designate 'the creature' more than an it I will think that will help.

THEY

What is with the they? Every time the word came up I was confused. Who is the they? Why should I care about the they? Why is they even referenced?

EMOTIONAL CONTEXT

You've done a fabulous job of showing us the emotions, though sometimes the message got lost in the words. But, nice job!

:D

HUMAN CONDITION

I think I read it somewhere, or maybe Snoink said it, or something. But, to get your audience to care more about your character it should possess some human traits and qualities so we can empathize, sympathize, etc. Snoink said it in her critique, but by making the creature more human, we will like it more.

OVERWORDING

Watch out for the times when your words get in the way of your meaning, sometimes it's just better if you parse it down. I know you are trying to find all these new and different ways to describe something but your description doesn't need to go over the top.

Though you do have a few spectacular lines that I pointed out.

:P


Hope this helps, hon.

Chowder,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?



If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
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