P.O.T.E. 2

He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he was Quiry. Quiry ran around the forest hiding dragon, griffin, and hypogriff eggs. He is clever and smart with the bow and arrow, he has survived been shot in the chest by an arrow. He is the most amazing elf.

"Quiry! Quiry, wake up! Some one brought you a mystery egg." A woman shouted exitedly.
"Huh? Oh. Thanks. I will analyze it and try to find out what it is later." Quiry was tired, you could tell in his voice.
"I will put it on your bed."
"Thanks."
"Break fast is on the table."
"What did you make Lady Faron?"
"I made bacon, hash browns, eggs-"
"Shhh! The eggs are smart! The eggs can hear you!" He hissed at her.
"Sorry. I also made ham."
"Thanks Faron." Quiry said with a grin. When Quiry was done chatting with the woman he got up and ate his break fast. When he finished, he when to his bed to look at the egg.

This egg feels strange in my hands... it is big, it has purple and blue spots... what could it be?

"Well?" Faron ask curios
"I can't tell what it is."
"Hmm...strange." She was suprised but she hid it.
"It's moving!" Quiry shouted exited
"Quiry! You better be ready to be a mother! God knows how bondy this thing will be!" She shouted, both panicked and happy. The egg started to crack. CHIRRRRP
CHIRRRRP CHIRRRRP! They watched wide eyed as sound came from the egg as it cracked. All the sudden it stopped cracking and the noise stopped, the spots were glowing maroon and the rest of the egg was glowing dark purple. The egg exploided! Parts of the shell flew everywhere! There was a small creature sitting in Quirys hand, it was alive. The creature had the head and tail of a wolf cub and the body of the cheetah. It's head and tail were brown and the rest of the body was yellowish with black spots.
"This is a new creature!"
"How can you tell?"
"I memorized every creature on this planet from A-Z!" He said, proud of himself.
"You discovered it, what will you name it?"
"I will call it a ZipZip." He smiled as he said that. Faron just stared at him.
"ZipZip? Where did you hear that?"
"Nowhere, it was just the first thing that came in mind."
"Why not name it after some one like you, Kay, Jarith or maybe me?"
"I told you the name and that stands."
"Okay! But what are you going to name it?"
"Zipper."
"Okay."

-break fast-
One word

-"Well?" Faron ask curios-
Curious or curiously would work

-"It's moving!" Quiry shouted exited-
Excited

-The egg exploided!-
Exploded

Ok well you are having A LOT of tense problems. Did you see the comments last time?

And I'm being hypocritical here but don't post the same thing twice. You should have just edited the last one.

Also this time around the chapter seemed a bit... monotone. It was almost unreal to me. The words, the way you kind of went from one thing to another so quickly, also, the thing about the eggs hear what ever confused me. Hope I wasn't too harsh!

-Leun

Hey, FireArris!

Ooh, cool idea for a story- eggs are interesting, because you don't really know what's going to come out of them until they hatch. ^_~ I also thought your names were good, and not long and strange and unpronounceable like most fantasy monikers.

I don't think I've critiqued something of yours before...basically, what I do is I pick a few topics to ramble about that I noticed in your story. And, of course, if you read through and don't have a clue what I'm on about, you can PM me. I'm always around, and always happy to help. ^_^

Okay, first up:

TENSES AND THE FINE ART OF INTRODUCTION: It's hard to write first sections, and it's hard to keep your tenses straight. Honestly, nothing about writing is very easy, right?

Why are your tenses confusing? You switch. At the beginning, you're in present tense, and in the middle, you're in past tense. And then you switch again! The only way to fix this properly is to read through your story when you're finished to find where there are inconsistencies. Readers like it when the storytelling is the same throughout- and if you want to get fancier, you've got to learn how to do it properly first. ^_~

Introductions are a tough thing to master, because there are so many things you could put in. Here are a few things you'll want to keep in mind:

- An introduction is kind of like the samples of perfume you can get from department store makeup counters. People try out the perfume on a card and smell it before buying to see if it's good or not, right? Same thing with your story. The first couple paragraphs of any story is kind of like the author's perfume sampler. Readers'll pick through it and see if they like it or not, based on a snap judgement. Ergo: the introduction is very important. You want to show off what you can do here.

- Make it interesting! We want to know about Quiry the elf, since this is our first meeting with him. Make sure we know all about his eggs and such, since that's very vital in his personality.

- As the narrator, try to avoid putting in your own opinion ("He is the most amazing elf"). Why? Readers are kind of pessimistic, and you'll get people like me who'll read that and say, "Yeah, right." Keep it neutral, and let your characters be opinionated.

ACTION AND REACTION: This is also a tough thing to do when you're writing- show how the different characters react to each other.

Why is this important? It lets you show the reader what your characters are like, whilst carefully avoiding infodumping. You want to show everyone how fabulously developed your characters are in a vast array of mediums, so that they don't get bored. It'd be really boring to watch movies about spiders all day, wouldn't it? It's the same sort of thing- it'd be really boring to read about Quiry mentioned in narration all day. You want to mix it up.

A few things to consider:

- Do the characters think he's odd for collecting eggs? You might want to mention whether or not this is normal in elf society.

- What do your elves look like? It doesn't have to be a huge, long, anatomically correct description, but a few bits here and there will help us get a better picture.

- Is he the only elf, or are they all elves?

- What does he think about Faron? Does he think she's annoying, or kind?

Here's an example: in the story that I'm working on now, one of the fathers has a few sons, one of which he doesn't really like. When he's talking to the other sons, it's all very nice and chatty, but with the one, it's usually "Be quiet." The reaction is very important, because he'd look like a very spoily [is that a word? XD] dad if we didn't know that he treated one of his sons like dirt. It helps develop the characters a lot.

Think about how your characters interact together. If Faron thinks Quiry is odd for collecting eggs, or thinks he's mean- show it. If she think's he's weird, a few "Eww"s would be appropriate, and if he's mean, have her quiet down a little or try very hard to please him. This will help show what Faron is like as a character.

___

Very good story, FireArris! Again, feel free to PM me...and know that I'm definitely looking forward to reading more stories from you!

Now, I'll start off by saying you've got a world of potential in front of you.

When you're 9 years old (Or at least when I was nine) you're very impressionable, and a good idea is to try to go out and try new things. Explore new ideas, you've got an infinite imagination, so go ahead and use it to come up with crazy things no one's ever thought of before.

As some general advice, don't lean too heavily on Eragon and things like it. Yes, it may seem fascinating, but just because you enjoyed reading it, doesn't mean you should try and use a similar plotline. Try to explore different authors and different genres. There are millions of different books out there, and your story could be different from all of them, but only if you try to make it truly your own.

Best of luck, and get out there and write!
~Ed

Hey there Firearris!

hmm... The beginning of this story looks familiar... For future reference, please don't post the same thing twice. even if it's just the beginning. Especially if it 's the beginning.

As I've already told you, you've got a great idea here. But, as with any piece of writing, there's room for improvement. So lets work on this piece first.

"This is a new creature!"
"How can you tell?"
"I memorized every creature on this planet from A-Z!" He said, proud of himself.
"You discovered it, what will you name it?"
"I will call it a ZipZip." He smiled as he said that. Faron just stared at him.
"ZipZip? Where did you hear that?"
"Nowhere, it was just the first thing that came in mind."
"Why not name it after some one like you, Kay, Jarith or maybe me?"
"I told you the name and that stands."
"Okay! But what are you going to name it?"
"Zipper."
"Okay."

...Notice anything? Your characters seem to be talking heads. Person X says something, then person Z says something, then person F says something, then Person X says something else... On and on. Quiry and Faron could be staring at the egg or at each other, unblinking or moving for all we know. There's no... action. So how do we fix this? Well...

"This is a new creature!" Quiry shouted, excited.
Faron turned from the egg to look at Quiry.
"How can you tell?"
"I memorized every creature on this planet from A-Z!" He said, proud of himself.
Faron nodded and turned back to the egg.
"You discovered it, what will you name it?"
"I will call it a ZipZip." He smiled as he said that. Faron just stared at him.
"ZipZip? Where did you hear that?"
"Nowhere, it was just the first thing that came in mind."
"Why not name it after some one like you, Kay, Jarith or maybe me?" Faron asked, hinting at the 'me'.
"I told you the name and that stands."
"Okay! But what are you going to name it?"
"Zipper."
Faron rolled her eyes.
"Okay." she breathed, exasperated.

Not one of my best works, but it's a little better, don't you think? We get more of a feel for the character. The reader not only hears the response, but sees it as well.
BUT!
Don't over do it! While the reader wants details, they don't want too many details. You do not need to say what the person did/does every time someone says something. That would be boring and I would be amazed if the reader made it passed the third page.

God knows how bondy...

Bondy. I like that word. God, though? Well, okay. Your world, your god(s)!

The egg started to crack. CHIRRRRP
CHIRRRRP CHIRRRRP! They watched wide eyed as sound came from the egg as it cracked.

You used 'crack' twice here. Format's a little odd, too. Try...

The egg started to crack.
CHIRRRRP! CHIRRRRP! CHIRRRRP!
They watched, wide-eyed, as the sound erupted from it.

XP Okay...okay...Don't use 'erupted'. Just put that to give you an idea. All the reader needs to know is where the sound's coming from. They know the egg's cracking, so you don't need to say that again.
EDIT: Because the last thing you talked about was the egg (the egg started to crack), 'it' will refer back to the egg.

This egg feels strange in my hands... it is big, it has purple and blue spots... what could it be?

Try putting this in italics to show that someone's thinking this.:

This egg feels strange in my hands... it is big, it has purple and blue spots... what could it be?

Also, people don't like pointing out the same mistakes twice. So if you're going to post the same thing with more to it (do rarely) at least fix the mistakes previously mentioned. It'll keep people from avoiding your stories. It'll also make them happy to know you took their advise to heart. If you don't have a spell checker on hand when your writing, there's always one you can use on YWS.

So! Go back and edit, and I can't wait for the next thing you post!