Because it was about time I wrote a fanfic script..
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Scene: A park. It’s raining.
KYLE: We’re getting married.
JON: Wait, what? With who?
KYLE: I’m marrying Ariel, Jon.
JON: Oh, okay, yeah that really makes sense. You’re marrying my wife, who was pregnant with my kid, who died, came back, beat you, then drug us around in book one?
KYLE: Yes, isn’t she hot?
JON: I find that very disturbing. But what if I said I love you?
KYLE: No, no, I’m marrying her…wait, what?
JON: Fine then be that way!
KYLE: I’ll see you at the wedding.
JON: Okay.
End scene
Scene: Kyle and Ariel walking through the same park. It isn’t raining.
KYLE: I love you!
ARIEL: I love you more!
KYLE: No, I love you more!
ARIEL: No, I [Sudden earth quake shakes everyone, people scream and run around.] What the hell was that?
KYLE: I have no idea!
ARIEL: My boobs jiggled!
KYLE: [Stares at ARIEL like she said something bad] Are you okay?
CHICK: OH MY GOSH WE’RE DYING!
KYLE: Shut up!
ARIEL: I still love you even though we’re lying around in broken ground and stuff and almost died!
CHICK #2: Can you help me? We lost our mother and [CHICK #2 gets stabbed in the throat by zombie]
KYLE JUNIOR: Holy crap!
ARIEL: It’s okay, come here! I want to be a mom!
KYLE: He has the same name as me…
JON is seen wandering out of a cave a few feet away followed by zombie-SARAH.
JON: Ah! I was tortured and stuff!
KYLE: Oh my gosh! My lo—Best friend!
SARAH: uuuuuuuh….
ARIEL: It’s Sarah!
Everyone gasps. SARAH wonders off and they take JON over to where they are.
ARIEL: I’ll go sit with the kid. You take care of Jon, okay?
KYLE: I really want to make love to him…
ARIEL: What? But I’m your wife?
KYLE: Don’t get jealous, he’s the hot one. You’re just here to procreate.
JON: Don’t eat me!
KYLE: Only if you let me!
ARIEL: Cannibalism is not cool.
KYLE JUNIOR: My fucking sister died…
KYLE: Shut up. No one cares about you. You will soon fade out of the plot and get forgotten until very close to the end.
ARIEL is seen wondering to the back of the cave they are in.
ARIEL: There is a door!
Everyone else goes to the back, except for KYLE JUNIOR, because no one loves him.
KYLE: Push!
ARIEL: Stupid. It’s pull. See, it’s even written on the wall?
KYLE: Brad never taught me how to read…
JON falls into hole in the wall
JON: Ahhh Save me!
KYLE: Oh noes!
End Scene
Scene: A therapists office.
JON: No… I didn’t kill him. He’s still alive. And I think I love him? And what was that audio I found in your drawer!
HAASER: You don’t know what you are talking about! Hahaha! I’m smart! Now can I shoot this black stuff in your eyes?
KYLE busts through the door.
JON: You’re here to save me!
HAASER: You’re here to marry me! Finally!
KYLE: Ew…What?
HAASER: Nothing.
JON: Help! He’s going to squirt black stuff in my eye!
HAASER: Haha, already did!
JON: Oh no, reality is freaking out and I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!....Actually I’m just sitting in a chair! Yay!
HAASER: So now that Jon is taken care of, want to uh….
KYLE: What?
HAASER: Never mind.
JON: What the hell are you doing, Kyle, save me!
KYLE: Give me a minute! I’m having flash backs and wanting to have sex with you!
HAASER: Not fair!
ARIEL walks through the broken door.
ARIEL: Kyle! Save me!
KYLE: Damn it, stupid wife, what!?
ARIEL: Kyle…Jon…touched me!
KYLE:…So? He was married to you, makes sense.
ARIEL: But now I’m married to you!
KYLE: Brad needs to get rid of his odd inconsistencies and just make up new characters, unless there is a reason for you coming back!?
SARAH walks in through the door holding a gun.
ARIEL: [taking the gun from SARAH] You must kill Jon!
KYLE: Eh…what?
JON: Yes, will you please tell me what the hell is going on? I’ve been sitting, strapped into this chair, trying to figure out what is real and what isn’t and…hey, why is Sarah alive….OH MY GOD! She tortured me earlier. And she was a zombie! Not looking too bad, Sarah.
SARAH: Thanks, and I did no such thing!
HAASAR: Kyle, let me love you!
KYLE shoots HAASAR
KYLE: Damn he was creepy…
ARIEL: So are you going to kill Jon or what? Because you know he’s in CMP!
SARAH: What is CMP?
ARIEL: Why are you asking me aren’t you in it?
KYLE: Wait….
ARIEL: OH MY GOSH KYLE GUESS WHAT YOU’RE HAVING FLASH BACKS AGAIN!
KYLE: Shit!
Kyle stares out into space as he has a flash back.
KYLE: As fun as those are it starts to hurt after so long….
End Scene, and Script
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So now you are basically caught up with Brad's novel Prosthesis! I'd like to thank The Reduced Shakespeare Company for the idea, and Cat for having me watch that movie.
