You repeat bird, song, heavy, breaking, white, uncaring, moon, sorrow, white (again), uncaring (again) and moon (again).
Buy a thesaurus and "perpetuable" is not a word, try "perpetual".
Apart from all that the idea was quite good but it needs work.
I wouldn't keep going back and forth between the poem's narrator and the bird. I would focus on the bird and then try to give it anthropomorphic characteristics.
Some of things you try to describe are rather cliched. For example, what is the significance of "grains of sand" or " a white, uncaring moon"?
It wasn't so much the repetition itself that bothered me as the fact that you ended three lines with "sorrow." Also, there was a lot of straight-up description here, maybe use some more emotional words, something that gives the reader more a sense of what's going on rather than being able to see what's going on. Sorry if that makes no sense. Oh, yeah, and please do put spaces after your commas darling.
Lovery poem, just need a bit of polish!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
I liked the picture you created, its beautiful. The only repetition that bothered me was the word "sorrow" . Its a good first attempt, i think the title needs work though. It doesnt reflect the mood of the poem in any way.
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.."
