Young Writers Society


The bird in the tree.

11 posts
User avatar
Twit
Supporter
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:16 pm
Twit says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:16 pm
***CONTENT REMOVED***
Last edited by Twit on Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir
Quote




User avatar
Ofour
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 187
Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:22 pm
Ofour says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:22 pm
You repeat bird, song, heavy, breaking, white, uncaring, moon, sorrow, white (again), uncaring (again) and moon (again).
Buy a thesaurus and "perpetuable" is not a word, try "perpetual".
Apart from all that the idea was quite good but it needs work.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna
Quote




User avatar
Esmé
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:25 pm
Esmé says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:25 pm
Okay, I have nothing to say (I don't critique poetry, just don't get it) that you should add a space after every comma.

Cheers,

elein
Quote




User avatar
Twit
Supporter
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:29 pm
Twit says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:29 pm
well,I did mean to repeat them...it was that sort of thing.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir
Quote




User avatar
Ofour
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 187
Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:31 pm
Ofour says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:31 pm
It didn't sound fluent, it sounded awkward.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna
Quote




User avatar
Trident
Gender Male
Points 16552
Reviews 376
Wed Feb 07, 2007 10:06 pm
Trident says... · Wed Feb 07, 2007 10:06 pm
I wouldn't keep going back and forth between the poem's narrator and the bird. I would focus on the bird and then try to give it anthropomorphic characteristics.

Some of things you try to describe are rather cliched. For example, what is the significance of "grains of sand" or " a white, uncaring moon"?
Perception is everything.
Quote




User avatar
theron guard
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 82
Sat May 19, 2007 12:13 am
theron guard says... · Sat May 19, 2007 12:13 am
A lot of repeating. But the overall story was good. I liked it. :? :)
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!!
Quote




User avatar
miyaviloves
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
Wed May 23, 2007 6:42 pm
miyaviloves says... · Wed May 23, 2007 6:42 pm
I disagree with Ofour, I didn't think it sounded awkward atall, I liked this piece in all honesty.

Call me stupid but I didn't notice the repetition...so I guess it didn't bother me oops lol!

Anyway, I think this is good, not awakward or too repetative, its goodo!

Meevs
xx
Bag.

Got YWS?
Quote




User avatar
gyrfalcon
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Thu May 24, 2007 5:38 am
gyrfalcon says... · Thu May 24, 2007 5:38 am
It wasn't so much the repetition itself that bothered me as the fact that you ended three lines with "sorrow." Also, there was a lot of straight-up description here, maybe use some more emotional words, something that gives the reader more a sense of what's going on rather than being able to see what's going on. Sorry if that makes no sense. Oh, yeah, and please do put spaces after your commas darling.

Lovery poem, just need a bit of polish! :-)
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
Quote




User avatar
Muse
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 176
Thu May 24, 2007 2:08 pm
Muse says... · Thu May 24, 2007 2:08 pm
I liked the picture you created, its beautiful. The only repetition that bothered me was the word "sorrow" . Its a good first attempt, i think the title needs work though. It doesnt reflect the mood of the poem in any way.
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.."
Quote




User avatar
Tassen Spellbinder
Gender Male
Points 4428
Reviews 58
Thu May 24, 2007 7:57 pm
Tassen Spellbinder says... · Thu May 24, 2007 7:57 pm
Other than some grammar issues, I would use a thesarus (I spelled that wrong, I think) for parts of it, but other wise, that was good.
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. - George Orwell, 1984

Where in the world is Enoch Root?
Quote

11 posts


Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown