Dark Child

Vamp child,
Dark child,
Who shall kneel before ye?

All those,
Who wish,
To keep their blood from me.

Go now,
And find,
Me food for I hunger,

I wish,
To hunt,
By the storm of thunder.

As she,
said that,
Outside was thunder crash.

Then the,
Tree stumps,
they turned into black ash.

Her slaves,
frightened,
ran for the great hall door.

It was,
a sight,
Servants running galore.

The young,
Princess,
Laughed with jolly good glee!

"Oh look!
Oh look!
See how they run from me?"

...Erm.

Was there a point to the colors? And even if there was, you'll find that's not really a very logical method to employ in a poem; if you managed to get this published (key word: managed), you'd be hard-pressed to find a publisher willing to forsake tradition for a gaudily colored poem.

That said, this isn't as bad as some of the pieces I've read on this site. That said, it most certainly does not number among the best. First of all, you're showing your inexperience by placing a comma at the end of every line. Here's a good way to deal with punctuating the ends of lines: take each stanza, put it into prose, and see if the punctuation makes sense. For example:

It was,
A sight,
Servants running galore.

becomes

It was, a sight, servants running galore.

Now, first of all, the word 'galore' makes absolutely no sense in this context. That off my chest, we'll move on to the punctuation. A comma, as I'm sure you've learned in English class, signifies a pause but not a complete stop. Read that sentence this way:

It was (pause) a sight (pause) servants running galore.

Doesn't sound right, does it? So, first of all, remove the comma between the first two lines. Now, even though the content is asinine, you're at least a step further on the path to punctuational acuity.

As for the subject of this "poem," well... nice try.

Warmest,
Sir Fand of the Crusades

The poem doesnt make very much sence...
Do the narrators switch?

Um...

Like Fand said. Nice try.

Punctuation is pretty much covered, so I'll just say something briefly about the rhyme scheme. While I'm all for alternative rhythms and unusual line lengths, if it's done well, at the moment this is jerky and the rhyming (while commendably done) is in places terribly forced and it makes me squeamish, I'm afraid.

Perhaps you could try something without rhyme. I generally recommend free verse to new members, because seriously, rhyming mostly sucks. But more than that, it's actually harder than it looks, and until you really get the feel for poetic rhythm and balance, and the flow of poetic imagery, it mostly ends up being a flop. I should know -- I've been there LOL.

Anyway, that being said, I do admire your use of an unusual subject here. I think that's the first poem I've ever seen about a vampire

Welcome to YWS, hope to see you around!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Dreamer--


The halting voice has its way here, along with worn, monosyllabic rhymes. Too often poetry goes lacking in this fragmented, too choppy and wayward verse.

It would seem the author is more interested in making lines that end in rhymes than engaging metaphorical expression.

Ultimately I have no advice. I find your voice flat and quite uninteresting. A narrative without the least bit of a gleam in its eye. This verse needs an optometrist and an ear specialist.


Best,
Brad

Um . . . isn't the point of a crit supposed to be constructive and helpful? Not crushing and biting. I accept that you people know a lot about how poetry should be written, and that you know all that better than I do, but there isn't any need to be blighting in this way.

It can be very confidence-wrecking to read a crit saying, "Okay, kiddo, what were you thinking writing this junk? You obviously cannot write poetry, so don't even think of trying again."

That's the gist of the message that I've had put to me more than once. It hurts! And not just from my ego's point of view.

The colours didn't help, Dreamer, but don't stop writing. Like Bubblewrapped said: the subject was original.

-Twit

I agree. I was very confusing. And the color, whats with that?

I liked it. The imagery was really good, even though you didn't describe much, it was really easy to form a picture of what was happening. The colored speech wasa nice touch.

Ummm.....:huh: I didn't really get this poem. I would work on the punctuation on this you tend to put commas after every line and then periods at the end of it. Ok well except for that Good job!