It seems cliche to me; that is, I've read something like this or close to this a million times before. You need to update it, and it's always better to show rather than tell.
You also need to go through this and edit it thoroughly. For instance, " their pathetic souls will
look up to me and beg, "Save us," and I will whisper back, "No."," sounds way too awkward and too slapped together. Getting rid of the last part (and I will whisper...) might fix the problem.
The symbolism and metaphors need to be downplayed; it's good to have them, but you can't slap them all together in a piece of flash fiction that is less than 500 words. Indeed, if the latter is what you are striving for, then you need to make this a lot simpler. Right now, the piece does not rest by itself as it needs more, lots more.
However, as a character sketch, this is well done, and it would be very useful material for a well-developed story. But, as a story, this falters. It's too much and too little at the same time.
Heehee. It was actually written in my Post-Apocalyptic Narratives course, when we were analyzing The Watchmen (hence the title, "Who watches the watchmen?") and had to do a character summary of Rorschach. But I kind of altered that to make it a little more suitable.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
