lux eterna

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1.
one

maybe there’s something more than those old strange feelings
did we grow up too fast?
when i sculpt your face with my lips it’s just different
warm dampness and your breath against my neck
i wish i could be held by you forever
i hope you don’t mind when i make our hugs too long
not long enough, really.
when did you grow up so much?
aren’t we still just kids?
since when did my heart hurt with so much love for someone
i put it all in little places for you
braided into your hair
rub it in your back
leave you secret kisses on your stuffed bear in hopes for it to deliver them sweetly to you while you sleep
maybe we’re just a girl and a boy behind these eyes
sitting criss cross and holding firecrackers
is that what lights them up when you laugh?
i still hear him
i don’t think i’ll ever understand how you’re so beautiful
happy
i want to be good at things for you
good at keeping it together
good at laughing (i can never surpass you though)
am i too reliant?
do you think my poems suck?
i haven’t been able to write many since we’ve been together
since all my songs were of pain, darkness. maybe sometimes i’m good at being happy.
but the words still hide in me. between my pages
and sometimes i flip through them too quickly
i wonder to myself what would happen if i burned them
would i leave you grasping at the ashes for some semblance of me?
if i could even be the smudges of soot on your hands i’d still be content
smeared across your face just like how i loved you before

2.


two

could i knead your pale fingers one more time?
just the way i used to
so i could see a fraction of your smile
that was enough for me.

i hope your life is going well
i hope you know you’re beautiful
i just want to see the solace on your face
and know you’re okay

did you ever find a boy that loves you for exactly what you’re worth?
i hope he treasures you
whoever he is
i hope he takes care of you

i still smell the pink rose petals as i press my thumbs into your palm
i’m afraid of knowing what you think of me now
could it be helped?
do you hate me too?
or was it some unfamiliar sense of following whatever you knew best

i hope you know i could never hate you
i never wanted to leave you

maybe one day i’ll be braiding your hair again
like it all never happened and it was just some bad dream
i hope you know i’m proud of you
i hope you know i love you

sometimes i think i’m the only one that’s heartbroken
even if you forgot about me i still hope you’re happy

3.


three

some shuddering nights i wake up
and think that i’m still small
my not big enough hands struggling to open the door
gunk under my nails as i waddle to the bathroom
getting my pink step stool just so i can reach the sink

yet i stand there perfectly tall enough
not on my tip toes anymore just to see myself in the mirror
some strange adultish eyes stare back at me

i pull my hair back
search my face
for any sign that she’s still there
missing the feeling of those raw loose teeth and being able to cry loudly

4.


four

thumbs deep in the sockets of my eyes
a numb slump of life
why can’t it just stop hurting?
sleeping the day away
as my head pounds me in my dreams
the pinching sensation behind my eyes
pulling my face down

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five

sinking my fingers into the cool soil
the nettles probe my palms
tiny itches as i snap them off one by one
pesky weeds in my damp terracotta pots

my flannel pants, dusted with specks of filth
taking my cuttings to ever multiply my succulents
i need to go outside more.
perhaps i should learn from the plants
bask and photosynthesize in the warmth of His sun

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six

floral spirals in your hair
your eyes ripple with the sun rays like honey

do you know i’m so in love with you?
it’s somewhat redundant now, but i love you
chapped lips and all
you live with a humble pride
your work done through and through
your hands are blessed by Him

all with that intoxicating smile
contagious as the plague, my love.

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seven

blurry mornings greet me every day
i string every other minute with alarms

my eyes don’t wish to be open
i beg them to function for me

sloughing myself from the covers
i drip down the mattress in a stagnant flow to the bathroom

why am i so terrible at waking up?
i nod too hard and my head may just roll off

i can’t believe i used to be a morning person

8.


eight

can i just imagine you frozen right here?
i like to think you’ll be alive forever
can’t we all go back thirty years or so?
i would return to a time i didn’t exist
for you
just for the aches of old age to spare you for a few more years

sometimes i blink and you’ll disappear before my eyes
time is snatching you away from me already

i hate watching you rub your hurting knees
you still pick up things that’re too heavy for you
you’re still so strong and lively
it’s hard to believe you’re 84 and your hair is barely graying
good genes you say

so many wounds and scars
accidents almost taking you for good
you always said it was because God didn’t give the O-K for you to come home
now you’re saying it’s almost time for you to go see your parents again

what will i do when you die?

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13.
tw: suicide

Spoiler

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