my chest hert so bad I though my chest would come undon like a sewed up rang doll I always knew happyness was not a friend of mine but Will sat by me and as I played the piano I knew he was there even though I did'nt want him to be I had I had died at my own wedding and I had left will all alone he must hate me something hit me in the stomache and I fell and I guess I did'nt diserve a wedding but I did diserve a love but some one wanted me to die well I will not go on till my unfinished bissness is fufilled
Unfortunately I'm going to have to be ruthless here. As it stands, this is just one big run-on sentence. Where are the full stops and punctuation marks?! If I tried to read this out loud, I'd have lost my breath and fainted well before the end. So we're going to have to fix that up before we go any further.
Secondly, spell check is your friend! There are several misspelled words in here which are really not necessary -- please run your posts through the spell checker in future before you submit them, it makes it easier on everyone, since you wont have to put up with a lot of ribbing and we wont have to try to interpret what you're saying in order to critique. 'Kay?
Now. From what I have read, you have an interesting idea here. The main character is - I'm assuming - a ghost, who was killed on her wedding day and now haunts her fiance. Being the romantic that I am (and a lover of ghost stories) I'm immediately hooked by this; however, at the moment, I really have no clue what's going on beyond what I just told you. Why? Well, not only is it a big horrible mess (sorry) so far as punctuation and layout are concerned, but you really jump around a lot. There's no thread of story here for me to follow! I need to know what's going on in order to want to read on, but right now there is nothing which links the first sentence with the last except the use of "I" and a vague idea of death and weddings and love. OK? So if I were you, I'd sort out what you want to show and say in this first scene, and then write it out coherently - i.e. in some form of order (chronological usually works best). So, instead of saying "My chest hurt so badly I..." etc., say, "As I fell an agonizing pain tore through my chest" or whatever.
Basically, I want to know where we are, what is happening, whom it is happening to, and why. I want, in other words, DESCRIPTION. I like the description you have - about the rag doll, and the line about happiness not being "a friend of mine", that was awesome. But I need a bit more. Who is Will? What does he look like? Where is the piano and what does it have to do with the story? Where are we? What year is it? And so on.
Flesh this out more, use some basic grammar and punctuation (and formatting) and you will have an awesome beginning on your hands.
Looking forward to seeing more,
Cheers,
~bubbles
(PS: Shouldnt this be in fiction? EDIT: Oh I see it has been moved. Cheers write me)
One little word. There is not a single bit of punctuation in this work! It makes it all run together like a single sentence, and that really doesn't work well.
Oh, one more thing, please work on your spelling and other grammar. Most people can't stand reading a piece of work that has had no thought whatsoever put into it.
