Throwaway Lines

Poor doggie.

Flows well, sounds good. I'm not sure about "bag" on the last line, that threw me a little. Maybe an extra syllable is needed there? The problem is "and I'd bin this ache inside my chest" is 9 syllables while every other line is 8. That means the last line feels shorter, so either change that to 9 or change the previous one to 8.

This was good,and the flow was nice too.

I really like the flow and the rhyme. Halfway through I was like, 'wha?' since the doggishness threw me, but this is very good.

I'll lose some things I do not need:
that tag, these toys, this plaited lead.

I'll ditch some things I cannot use:
that dish, those cans, these rawhide chews.

I'll dump some things that make me weep:
those bones, this basket full of sleep--

GAH! Work out this rhythm!

and I'd bin this ache inside my chest
if I could bag it with the rest.

Repetitive and...not the best. Cute topic, though.

xanthan gum wrote:Repetitive and...not the best. Cute topic, though.

Since when is a dog dying cute? O_o

Sorry, never had a pet. Not one for empathy.

Incandescence wrote:I'll lose some things I do not need:
that tag, these toys, this plaited lead.

I'll ditch some things I cannot use:
that dish, those cans, these rawhide chews.

I'll dump some things that make me weep:
those bones, this basket full of sleep--

and I'd bin this ache inside my chest
if I could bag it with the rest.

There are a couple of things I feel about this this poem. First is sad, since my dog just died, thanks.

Second, who is the author, owner or pet?

Admittingly, it is not that difficult to decifer, but if you want to be precise, list the items that the dog uses v. items the owner uses and seperate them among the appropriate verses. I mean, would the toys make the owner cry more than the bones? And would the owner really use the rawhide chews?

Brad -

I would like to second Jack's sentiments on the last stanza. An idea -- take out the "and" from the first line in that stanza, thus making the syllables equal, and easier to read.

On the lines Gummy was talking about -- it's fine, I think. The comma has to be read, though, or it's off (make sense?).

I'll second Jack's "flows well, sound good" comment as well. And for the record "bag" works quite well, I'd say.

Bek

Good beat. Sad poem.

Everyone,


My thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

I was hoping the last line, being off-metered, would indicate a shift from the dog's belongings to the owner's. Let me know, if you have the time.


Thanks again, and all the best,
Brad

Personally, I like it the way it is. Granted, I've never been much of a stickler for anything (except spelling, but no complaints there), so I'm not fussy. But I like the picture it presents. I had to read it a couple of times as, like Phoenixfire said, the "doggishness" threw me for a minute (as did the rhyme...since when do you rhyme?!), however, on reflection I think it works quite well. I particularly like the shift between the "doggy" things and the human emotion. For some reason that made the owner's feelings seem more powerful and direct, IMHO. And the rhyming was beautifully done. The only thing wrong was that it made me sad, LOL. I shall have to go and give my doggie an extra hug **sniff**

I hate how you talk like a computer in your posts that aren't poetry. Like, relax.

I think you lose rhythm in the third stanza, look out.

Cute Cute subject I've lost a pet recently as well and I can totally relate which is a great thing to start off with.

As said before, the flow is perfect but indeed look out for the third stanza there is were it gets choppy other than that nice wordchoide and rhymes

*clapping my hands enthusiastically*
I likeit... I really like it