Beggining of Till Death's Acceptance

The Fiddler

Green = Comments/corrections
Blue = Suggestions
Black = Review

I have two older brothers, one two older sisters.

Take out ‘one’.

My two older brothers are twins and will both run the innn when my father dies.

innn = inn

I looked at out over the costumers of the The Fiddler’s Tune, to see if any one needed a drink.

Suggestion: I looked over the customers to see if anyone needed a drink.

He thought about what he had just seen. The girl had dealed with Martin well.

The girl had dealt with Martin well.

Every searcher usually found one in his/her life time.

... usually found one in his or her lifetime.

The thing was most girls who had it were taught out of it at a young to look more graceful to their mother’s eyes.

The word ‘age’ missing between ‘young’ and ‘to’.

A mother didn’t want her daughter to be masculine. Only about five girls usually are not taught out of it.

Keep the tense the same throughout your piece: Only about five girls usually were not taught out of it.

Out of these five about only three want to go.

Remember tense and try not to be repetitive: Out of these five just three would want to go.

One out of the three remaining ones usually gets married during the training making her stop. Out of the two left usually only one will make it. Only one fifth of the boys usually make it to.

Do you see the repetition here?

She definately had the grace.

definately = definitely

Some Searchers didn’t bring them in.

Since you capitalised ‘searchers’ you would need to do it every time you use ‘searchers’.

Most females were leopards of hawks.

‘leopards of hawks’ I think you meant ‘leopards or hawks’.

When you switched from the girl to the other person it was quite confusing to know who he/she was. Is this the lord’s manservant or the man the girl was about to serve?

You can consider giving the character a name.

The ending was what caught my eye and I was interested in these searchers and the animal-like characteristics some of the boys and girls have. However, if you continue you should think about combining some of your sentences to make them longer so it flows.

Try to keep the sense same as I’ve pointed out and avoid repetition.

If you write further be sure to let me know.

I've decided not to work on grammar and typos, I think Myth has covered the majority.

To begin, I don't like the first paragraph much. Its a lot of telling, unneeded also. You're just saying she's not as lucky as her sisters and she's ugly like her father. The sentences speaking of her brothers and her sisters being married and what they will do and blah blah blah seems like a bore to me. Cut it up a little, or give it some more interest.

There were five searchers at a time and their time in that post lasted till their death.

until

I'd have to say the whole thing is real confusing. The transition to the man is just....lost on me until I realize its someone else. I also don't know what on earth he's talking about, and then the crazy business with all those numbers in the last paragraph makes it real dry.

Begins are supposed to tell the reader what the rest of the story is going to be about, and try to interest them. You've got my interest, I just don't know what it is I'm interested in. Also, your first person is dry, telling, and boring. You need to give her a voice, otherwise its daunting. First person is hard in that sense, you have to do it perfect or its not good at all.

I hope this helped!

The title should be this:

"Beginning of Till Death's Acceptance"