I break everything

So the problem I have is that there are too many ideas to fit into a short space, and I end up cramming them all in, landing me with a piece full of broken or fragmented ideas that would be great if I could make them coherent.

Example;

Spoiler

In my head:
Alice sat down at the dinner table. It's made from long grain wood, a darkish, well polished colour, though there are off-coloured patches where the varnish had been scratched and liquid had damaged it. It's covered in a table cloth with frilled laces that remind her of an old-person's house. Her mother has a fascination for lace that makes everything seem old fashioned, and will remain old fashioned until lace finally makes its comeback into modern fashion. Alice is a young girl who is open to the beauty of unconventional things, and enjoys fashion magazines because she likes looking at the unusual styles people come up with.

On the page:
Alice ran her fingers along the thin lines of water damage on the table. Her mother was a fashionable woman who liked old fashioned things, and Alice waited for the day when that would no longer be the case. One day Vogue would feature someone wearing a lace doily and then everything would fall back into its natural order.

Any thoughts?

[Edit: I'm working on improving my short stories now so I'm having to impose wordcount limits.]

I honestly like the second one better! It's to the point and entertaining. I found it hard to follow the first one just a bit.

But I don't really understand what you're having trouble with. You feel like the thought process in your prose isn't connecting well? Reading it over the once it seemed to fit well enough together, in my opinion! c:

@Holysocks
Maybe the fact that I thought the first made more sense is part of it =p It's not really something I think personally, but it's the crux of the feedback I tend to get. Usually it's things like; "the metaphor is weird because the two aren't really similar," "the paragraphs tend to skip around a lot," or "there are too many different images in a short space." Whenever I look back it's been because I've tried to put too many things in and lost the connection between them, but I don't really know how to stop that from happening since I usually do it unintentionally.

Thankyou for the feedback ^__^

Interesting! I read it again and I still feel the same, and I can explain a bit more why now.

The first example, we're being told everything. We can't really see the image of what's in front of us - even though it's being described - because it's too detailed, almost, and it doesn't feel like we're in the story.

The second one, right away we're in the story, feeling the table right there with Alice! We're getting information but it's coming naturally, and flowing great!

I think you don't have much to worry about, in all honesty. Though if you are getting consistent feedback about this, like you say, that would make me concerned too! But, I honestly think that last one is very coherent and isn't too fast - information and imagery/description wise - at all!

But that's just my thoughts. ^_^

You're not focusing on anything in particular, so it's coming out a garbled mess. There needs to be more of a sequence. What is more important? The description of the wood? The description of the mother's tastes? The description of Alice's fashion tastes? The fact that she's sitting at the table? Depending on what is more important, you make that the focus.

Also, don't forget... what is the mood of the story? What is the conflict? What do you want the reader to feel about it?

So, like here's one way to write it:

Alice sat down at the dinner table and slipped her fingers under the lace tablecloth, feeling the thin lines from water damage. The table would look better without the lace, Alice thought, but she couldn't imagine it without it. It was so much like her mother. Lace doilies and table clothes were scattered throughout the house and Alice couldn't imagine morning without the silhouettes of snowflakes scattered throughout the house from the lace curtains. Sometimes, Alice was convinced that they were living in Victorian times, for that was what the house reminded her of. It was only when she read her magazines when she could escape into modernity.

Another way to write it:

Alice noticed the lace tablecloth had come askew. Underneath the lace shown the old, polished dark wood. Age had not been kind to the table; in some places there was water had discolored the wood stain leaving bone white patches. "It looks like an old coffin without the lace," her mother had once complained in one of the few times that the tablecloth hadn't been on it. Alice shuddered and straightened the table cloth.

*

So! There are five million ways to write this one scene out. But, what is more important? What is the conflict in the scene? Use this to direct your descriptions.

When writing description, having purposes in mind may help.

For example, is it to instill emotions in the reader? If so, what kind of emotions? Peace? Spookiness? Tension? Shock? Sadness? If your character is feeling annoyed that moment, their POV could see differently. Tone in the description is important, because it can set the "feelings" in the scene.

And you could also drop around some important details that might pop up later in your story. Seemingly minor that moment, but later they become extremely significant.

Like @Snoink above said, your description is a tad messy. Organizing it can be helpful and won't confuse the reader. Interspersing the character's thoughts inside could help, too.

I think style can have a lot to do with it. Some writers prefer eloquent, flowing description, whereas others will tell you to leave out any description entirely to keep the story moving fast. You might want to focus in more on emotion and use their reactions to the world as a window into how the character thinks, or keep it simple and let the story tell itself. I think if you can explain why you're describing something, that can help you refine your prose.

Also, it may help to leave out details that aren't relevant to the story. Personal style can influence this as well, but think about whether the reader really needs to know what you're telling them. Adding too many cool but irrelevant details can weigh a story down if you're working with a word limit. The table description can tell us about the mother's taste in fashion and bring up an opening for talking about the MC and her opposing fashion sense, but is that aspect of her character relevant to the story? Do the coffee stains add insight to the character's life? If not, you may have to nix it and stick with her sitting at a table.

Yep, I do like the second paragraph better in terms of taste, but it's true that you go from describing an action at the table to describing her mother in the next sentence -- that's where the connection is lost. When we shift thoughts, we are inspired by something we see or hear. That's evident a bit in your first paragraph, where Alice seeing the tablecloth reminds her of her mother's style, etc. etc. Even just having her touch the lace in the second paragraph, however, brings in a connection that the reader can follow better.