Would you read this book?

I am trying to perfect my pitch for querying agents as I would like to begin querying for my novel To Be Purple early next year. It is a young adult contemporary romance so if those books aren't your thing this may not pertain to you as well. If you would please tell me the following information:

1. Genre(s) you typically enjoy reading
2. If you read the following information on the back/inside cover of a book, would you be intrigued to read more? Would you buy this book?
3. What (if anything) do you like?
4. What (if anything) do you dislike or do you think I could improve upon?

Thanks much!

Current version:
Cora’s senior year is not going as planned. Her two best friends, Harper and Libbie, aren’t speaking and she is stuck in a loveless rut. Harper seems to only have time for Cora if Allen, the boyfriend, isn’t around; if he is, any other human is near the bottom of the totem pole. Libbie, fed up with Harper and being single, decides that she and Cora need to do love ritual to the universe to solve their problems. The pair each writes a list of what they want their perfect someone to be, burn the lists, and spread the ashes somewhere special. Libbie is confident in the power of the ritual and seems to be vying to win her ex back while Cora doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Love has never worked out for her before.

Then Archer Evans catches her eye. He is a funny, talented musician that seems to fulfill everything she’s ever wanted. He only has two major flaws. One: He is sophomore. Two: He has a girlfriend. (Oh and Libbie thinks he’s an asshole). But the more Cora gets to know him, the more she likes him, and the more she wants something to work. Despite the looming problems and challenges in front of them, Cora pushes ahead, hoping that her incredible awkwardness and lack of understanding when it comes to boys will somehow allow her to woo Archer into liking her as well. But if she gets him, can she keep him? With college coming for Cora and Archer’s dark past coming back for him, getting a guy to like her is only the beginning of Cora’s worries.

Told in the humorous, self-depreciating voice of Cora, fans of Gayle Forman and John Green will be able to relate to the realistic story-telling and emotion while discovering how they too can learn to be purple.

2nd version:

Spoiler

Edited 12/6/12:
Cora’s senior year is not going well. She is grey, hopelessly stuck in a rut of loneliness with no idea how to change for the better. Her four best friends are fighting and she is stuck in the middle, the guy she likes has a girlfriend, and her awkward lack of confidence leaves her incapable of doing the things she fears the most. She knows what she wants. She wants to enjoy her senior year with her four best friends, she wants to have her first boyfriend and fall in love, but her grey rut and fear of failing prevents her from trying to succeed.

Everything changes on one Saturday afternoon. Archer breaks up with his girlfriend and for the first time in her life Cora is filled with fresh, green hope that all of her dreams could really come true. She’s still awkward. She still has no idea how to act around boys or flirt. Archer is still two grades younger than her. But he’s single and she’s got a shot. The more time goes by the more Cora likes him and despite the looming problems and challenges in front of them, she pushes ahead and hopes that her incredible awkwardness and lack of understanding of boys will somehow allow her to woo Archer into liking her as well.

Told in the humorous, self-depreciating voice of Cora, fans of Gayle Forman and John Green will be able relate to Cora’s realistic, emotional journey from grey to purple, while discovering how they too can learn to be purple.

Original version:

Spoiler

The pitch:
Cora’s senior year is not going well. What she thought would be a carefree year of endless fun with her four best friends is anything but that. Through a series of fights, her group of friends has been split right down the middle leaving Cora to choose between two highly dramatic friends and two friends that only have time for their new boyfriends. Either way she goes she feels left out and unable to connect, hopelessly stuck, and unhappy. She is ready for senior year to be over, ready for college, and ready for a fresh start at friends and love.

Then Archer Evans catches her eye. He is a funny, talented musician that only has two major flaws. One: He is sophomore. Two: He has a girlfriend. But the more Cora gets to know him, the more she likes him and the more she wants a relationship to work for the first time in her life. Even with the looming problems and challenges in front of them, Cora pushes ahead, hoping that her incredible awkwardness and lack of understanding when it comes to boys will somehow allow her to woo Archer into liking her as well.

Told in the humorous, self-depreciating voice of Cora, fans of Gayle Forman and John Green will be able to relate to the realistic story-telling and emotion while discovering how they too can learn to be purple.

Mmkay, going to take a crack at this.

1. Genre(s) you typically enjoy reading
Pretty much anything well written. Gravitate to fantasy and historical fiction, along with a heavy dose of manga (both shonen and shoujo).

2. If you read the following information on the back/inside cover of a book, would you be intrigued to read more? Would you buy this book?
Unfortunately not.

3. What (if anything) do you like?
I liked the mention of being purple. That's new, different. Haven't seen it before. I wish there'd been more about it in the actual blurb, not just at the end with who else would enjoy the book.

4. What (if anything) do you dislike or do you think I could improve upon?
Okay here we go.

1- The way you described the group made me think it was actually split in four— the two dramatic ones were the ones she had to chose between, since dramatic friends tend to cause a lot of drama between themselves. Then you give two more friends. Upon first read, I think that those two who only have time for their boyfriends are the supporters to the dramatic friends. That's where you began losing me, because I can't get a grip on the dynamics.

2- The second paragraph sounds like Cora is actively trying to break Archer and his girlfriend up so she can get him, which makes me think that I'm about to read a villain protagonist. I'm struck by the impression she's jealous, about to be mildly clingy, somewhat manipulative, possibly abusive.

3- The tone is very adult. You say the narrator is humourous and self-depricating, but I'm not getting that at all. You're telling me, not showing me. Where is little sprinklings of her tone in the actual blurb?

Since you said this was similar to John Green, I decided to look up some of the blurbs for his books. I'll just sample the introductions/how long it took me to get hooked:

Looking or Alaska
Grade 9 Up - Sixteen-year-old Miles Halter's adolescence has been one long nonevent - no challenge, no girls, no mischief, and no real friends. Seeking what Rabelais called the "Great Perhaps," he leaves Florida for a boarding school in Birmingham, AL. His roommate, Chip, is a dirt-poor genius scholarship student with a Napoleon complex who lives to one-up the school's rich preppies. Chip's best friend is Alaska Young, with whom Miles and every other male in her orbit falls instantly in love. She is literate, articulate, and beautiful, and she exhibits a reckless combination of adventurous and self-destructive behavior.

Why I like it
We are introduced to a very interesting concept: the nonevent. Nothing of interest. I'm wondering how this is going to change. I find out he's moving to change this noneventness, which shows he's proactive. Then we're introduced to characters right away. And these characters sound fascinating. They will create events just by their very existence and personalities. Now that looks interesting.

The Fault in Our Stars
Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten.

Why I like it
I get the sense that this story is going to be heartwrenching right away. But there's this spark of hope with the plot twist introduced, and I want to see what that will actually happen to rewrite her terminal story.

I looked at another (Paper Towns) and the same thing applies as Looking for Alaska. Characters. Interesting personalities. Things that will change just by their existence.

Give me characters. Give me conflict inherent in personalities. Don't tell me it'll be interesting. Show me why it will be.

Hello! I wrote a new version of my pitch. Read the new one or both, whatever your fancy. Any and all comments are much appreciated!!

New version!

Carlito wrote:Hello! I wrote a new version of my pitch. Read the new one or both, whatever your fancy. Any and all comments are much appreciated!!