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Tally- Different Titles Welcome

by ~wolf_girl~


Tally hoisted her backpack onto her shoulders, and made sure the binoculars were safely at her side. In the darkness she grasped another body's hand and they began to walk down a hall, then came to stairs. Tally hesitated, and clicked on her flashlight.

"Tally, is this a good idea?" the other person asked. She was about five, maybe six. Her chubby hand was sweating in Tally's palm.

"No-well- I mean, it could be-" she started. The younger girl let out an exasperated sigh.

"Is this even your best idea? I don't think so. I liked the other ideas better," she said. Tally shrugged it off and shone *is that the right word* the flashlight on the young girls face. Her cheeks were rosy red, and sparkly blue eyes stared out from under long, blond bangs. She gave Tally a toothy smile.

"Yeah, well, you didn't say anything. At all," Tally said. "And if it weren't for this idea you'd be stuck with crazy Mrs. Dally, my dear sweet smmochums Sandra," she added humorously. Sandra elbowed her.

"Mrs. Dally isn't that crazy," she retorted. Tally found they had made their way down the stairs and were standing in an old-fashioned fouryeir *pronounced for-yay*. Tall, oaken doors loomed up ominously and Sandra tighted her grip. Heart pounding, Tally walked toward the doors and opened them carefully. Hearing no angry shouts or running footsteps, she opened them wider.

Outside was freedom. And, she thought, rain.


It was the only thing standing between thirteen year old Tally Heathrow and a miraculous escape from Yvonn Florschenheimek's School for Girls. A sweaty hand gripped her own, and two pairs of eyes gazed out onto the London streets. The lamps were lit, blazing like stars in the night, and traffic was going by- fast. If she didn't close these doors soon, someone was bound to spot them.

"Tally," I don't want to go out in the rain," whined the six year old, Sandra, at her side. Tally sighed, then clicked off her flashlight. She closed the doors very quietly and shushed the little girl.

"But if you don't get out into the rain, you'll go on being embarassed by Mrs. Dally. And that's not all. Miss Yvonn is strict. I've had to scrub these floors with a toothbrush for eating a peppermint in her class!" Tally said. In the dark she could hear Sandra breathing deeply, deciding what to do. Without speaking, she jerked her chubby hand from Tally's thin, rather bony, own. She walked up to the door and opened it.


Tally and Sandra made their way along the streets. In the dark, shadows loomed up everywhere, and the girls' imaganiations ran wild. Tally thought that if her heart pounded any harder it would jump out of her chest. But luckily, no one noticed the two girls slinking down the sidewalk.

As the day grew lighter and dawn appeared, Tally and Sandra could see Big Ben. The younger girl pointed up excitedly. "It's so big!" she squealed. Tally nodded vaguely and sat at a bus stop. Digging in her pocket, she found two pounds- the fee for a ride. But it would only cover her fee. "Did you bring any money?" She asked Sandra, hoping the girl had enough sense to grab a handful of money before they left. But Sandra shook her head wistfully.

Tally sighed, and dug around in her binocular case. Many times, she had left something in there. She found a lump that felt like a wrapped up candy coin, and pulled it out. Indeed, it was wrapped up, but not candy. She held another two pound coin. Tally frowned and looked at the paper that had wrapped it. In scratchy handwriting, it read:

Beware, my friend,

Of a fate most cruel,

And an unessesary duel,

Great danger lies witihin.

"What's that?" Sandra aked.

"Nothing," Tally replied. "It's just an old piece of paper. I'll throw it away when we get on the bus." But she stuffed it in her pocket; the poem troubled her slightly. But as she saw a large red double-decker come into view, she thought more of where to get off.

The bus stopped and the brakes squeaked. Wordlessly, Tally handed the bus driver some money and she took a seat in the back. Sandra sighed heavily. "I think we will get off somewhere at the edge of London," Tally said to herself.

As the hours passed, Tally and Sandra finally got off the bus. Ahead of them stretched green hills and a thin, grey strip of road. Tally sighed with relief. "Finally-oooh!" She screamed. They were falling- but to where, Tally didin't know.

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118 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 118

Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:21 pm
*Twilight* wrote a review...

The description was good I was able to picture a decent amount of details in my head.
At the start I thought they were exploring an old abandoned house but then you mentioned the escape from the school and that helped me picture it a little better.

In the darkness she grasped another body's hand

Normally when you mention a body it means a dead body. Try something like: In the darkness she she grasped someone's hand. Or something like that.

Tally shrugged it off and shone *is that the right word* the flashlight on the young girls face.

I do belive that "Shone" is the right word. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong.

The description is pretty good but your story lacks a plot. It is the first chapter though. Next time make sure to include something that gives us readers a hint of where the plot is going that way you can reel readers in like fish.

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Points: 890
Reviews: 4

Mon Feb 06, 2006 1:14 pm
~wolf_girl~ says...

just to let you know that's not all of Chapter One- I still have to finish the rest.

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner