So I haven't written in a while and this is my current project. It does have some fantasy elements, so I posted it here. Bear with me because this is rough. Any and all comments will be appreciated. Please tell me if I explain things clearly enough, because I do know of some places that can get confusing.
Thank you for reading this.
Nariel
Prologue
This couldn’t possibly be the end of our relationship. I don’t know how I can bear taking over her when I just started loving her. But, life goes on.
Or so I was told.
I stand over her sleeping form, taking deep breaths. Come on, don’t be a wimp. Just a couple of seconds, that’s all it’ll take. I close my eyes and imagine her thoughts, her dreams, and her hopes. I feel a slight burning sensation as I feel myself changing. Suddenly, I’m her. I can feel her mousy red hair trailing down my back and I can feel the weariness in her limbs. Excellent. I slowly stand up and stretch the sleep from her body. I move towards the open window and take one last look at the empty bed. Would she forgive me?
Something told me the possibilities of that were slim.
Part 1: Nessa's POV
Chapter 1
Why are you so angry?
"You don’t know?” I asked with a roll of my eyes.
Jimmy had done it again. He'd wandered through the hallways of the high school…Alone, without me, and during class.
I get bored easily; you know that. Besides, your thoughts aren't all that interesting when you're sitting through AP History.
"That doesn't mean you get to wander aimlessly through the hallways. In case you've forgotten, you're not registered at the school. What would've you done if you'd gotten caught?" I asked.
I would've made my way back into your head…Eventually.
"That's your answer to everything." I muttered under my breath.
It was just another day according to Jimmy. But, unlike him, my anxiety was starting to get the better of me. Jimmy had to be more careful, because if he wasn't, our secret would be out and I couldn't imagine what that would be like.
You worry too much.
"Please shut up Jimmy." That was my answer to every stupid thing he had to say. I let my mind wander back to the first time I learned about Jimmy. I had heard about consciences and that's what I thought that little voice inside of my head was. That is, until I learned that the voice seemed to have a mind of its own. The voice called itself Jimmy, so instead of being just the "voice inside my head", I called it Jimmy. It was a couple years later that I learned that Jimmy could take on a physical form outside of my head. Jimmy was really one of a kind, even if he was the most annoying person on the planet.
Thinking about our history again?
"Yes." I said.
Is it making you all warm and fuzzy inside?
"Again, Jimmy, please shut up." I demanded.
I continued the long walk towards my home. This was what I hated about being two miles away from the high school. It was too close to be driven to and too far away to walk to…According to me. And yet, my parents made me walk. If they knew my mind was inhabited by a careless and annoying "voice" whose name started with the letter J they’d definitely give me a ride. But I knew I wasn't ready to let anyone know about Jimmy. I didn't know anyone who had the same…Abilities that Jimmy and I did, so I decided to keep quiet.
I sighed with relief as I saw my family's townhouse off in the distance. The red brick of the house gave it a cozy feeling, especially in the middle of winter. As I drew closer to the house I heard the mournful sound of a violin coming from one of the open windows.
I see your mother’s at it again.
Ever since her ex husband, also known as my so-called father, was locked up in jail for an armed robbery, my mother has played the violin every now and then, even though she’s happily remarried to a man named Hank…A man I wish was my real father.
I don’t see why she’s still sad. That guy was a jerk.
“Please, Jimmy,” I started, “Don’t make me feel any more ashamed of my father than I already am.”
Sorry Nessa.
I unlocked the front door with my spare house key and walked into the front room. The violin playing stopped as my mom heard me enter. I heard her soft footsteps descend the stairs.
“Nessa, you’re home.” My mom’s hair was the same mousy red color that mine was and about the same length. She was a little heavier than me and had softer features, but all in all, you couldn’t tell the difference between us. At that moment, Hank walked into the room and I couldn’t stop myself from grinning. He had such a friendly aura about him that no one could resist smiling when Hank was around.
“How’s my little girl?” he asked with a small smile.
“Not bad.” I answered. I couldn’t help but wish that this man had been here my whole life, instead of just now. My mom gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.
“I’ll order dinner.” She said softly. I could tell that her mind was still on her violin playing…Among other things. I waved at Hank and headed upstairs towards my bedroom. It was on the far end of the house, which I liked. It gave me enough privacy when I wanted to talk with Jimmy without being thought crazy. The wood flooring of my room creaked when I walked in. It seemed to welcome me home. I took in the pealing peach paint of my room and the messiness of it all with great satisfaction.
That was interesting.
“Stop being mean and get out of my head…Just keep quiet.” I said. I felt a slight dizziness as Jimmy began his transition out of my head. My thoughts became a jumbled mess and I leaned back against one of the walls to steady myself. After a couple of seconds, Jimmy materialized in front of me and my head felt strangely empty.
“Thank you.” I smiled at him.
“You’re welcome, “he smiled right back, “how’s your head?”
The emptiness seemed to be vanishing.
“It’s getting better.” I answered. Jimmy pushed a pile of junk on my bed out of the way and sat down, waiting for me to recover. I watched him while he did this. He hadn’t changed much over the past few years. He had the same shaggy chocolate brown hair and the same dusty green eyes. He was lean, but not overly skinny and just a little bit taller than me. He caught me staring and smiled.
“I know I’m gorgeous.” He snickered. I snorted.
“You might be gorgeous to a gorilla, but definitely not me.” I replied.
“Who says you’re not a gorilla?” he shot back. I lunged at him but he dodged me in just the knick of time. I fell flat on my face on the hard wood floor.
“Oof!” I landed with a loud thump. I could tell Jimmy was laughing at me.
“This isn’t over.” I told him.
"Great," Jimmy said, "I was just getting started."
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there Nariel.
Firstly, you do not need the prologue. A prologue should only to provide historical background information of a novel prior to the start. (and even then, I don't really see the point of having one). What you have in the prologue could had been worked into chapter one.
What secret exactly?
You need a stronger trigger for that. A person's memory of someone just doesn't wander off back to the first time they've met like that. There has to be a reason for it.
Overall impressions:
Though it's written well, the writing is just too safe for me to actually like it. Jimmy is not really realistic enough for it to merit a voice. This is because he doesn't really do much except question the narrator's motives like an annoying kid. Even if Jimmy is the narrator's consciousness, it just seems exaggerated to give him a voice unless there is more to him than just to annoy and question the narrator.
Thematically, I would like to see more of it throughout the piece. You talked about the idea of one's "consciousness", but what significance does it have with your novel (besides just there to annoy her)? In what ways does it influence the narrator? You should show more of that during the second half of the piece.
There should also be more focus on the narrator's mother. I find it a bit far-fetched that she would play her violin just because of that incident. You need a reason as to why she would resort to playing a violin to help comfort her problems.
This would work well as a short story. As a novel, it is thin on ideas and the audience would eventually get bored of Jimmy's two dimensional voice.
Andy.
Wow, I really liked this! To be perfectly honest it reminded me of all the imaginary friends I had growing up, although I will admit that none of them could materialize-much to my dismay.
I am going to back up dapoozed here. As much as I like what you have, I would love to see more information about Nessa, and where she is, what she's doing, who she is, etc.
I do however think that the bit about Hank was fine-especially if you're going to come back to him later.
"Please shut up Jimmy." This sentence could use just one thing. "Please, shut up Jimmy."
The Prologue threw me off the first time I read it, I wasn't exactly sure what was supposed to be happening. So, my question is; when you are writing form Jimmy's perspective, are you writing as if it all ready happened, or as it's happening.
Personally, the latter is much harder to read and understand. But again, that's just me.
But regardless, please post more! It was very intriguing.
hello nariel..
you said there were some supernatural elements here..
well i don't have to ask.
but i was just curious when i read the prologue.
and you dont have to narrate the whole story, though..sometimes you have to put a kind of twist so readers will always have to guess and crave for more.
keep it up.
god bless.
The character Jimmy is so likeable, as are all the other characters. The way he can come out of her head and go back in is new, and I like it. I also like how Nessa actually likes her stepdad. It's a welcome change from all the books with MCs who DESPISE their stepparents. I, too, want you to post some more because it is a good story.
to dacoozed: AP stands for Advanced Placement. It's a smart people class; they have AP at my school, too. i was surprised to learn they don't have AP everywhere. hmm... good to know.
I'm going to agree with KJ. you definitely have got something here and it easily ropes people in the same affect many great writers have
.
One problem (unless this is how you set it out) in the beginning you didn't quite explain who the girl is or what Jimmy is, I see that he comes out of her head which is a very creative thought, but you didn't give a proper detail to how this happens or why. You didn't give much detail on her family background or in what school she is in, Usually that's mentioned before the actual story line comes into play.
You didn't explain enough about the hank character and I'm not sure what AP history is, its not good to use abbreviations when writing story and last but not least you ended to early. I'm just speaking from experiences because I'm still new at the whole writing thing and i made mistakes like this too, but I'm not going to lie the book is good and i hope there's more chapters to it and you haven't stop just there
If there's anything you need you can add me on facebook o and sorry about my spelling if I do make any mistakes
carry on writing
*Candice*
*Hugs KJ*
Thank you!
On the dialogue: Ugh. I hate doing punctuation for dialogue. I always get confused. Period or comma? I will, however, look something up online to help me. Thanks for pointing it out.
On the description of Jimmy: I was having problems describing him. I didn't know HOW to describe him. I will probably leave it as is for now until I find a better way of describing, but thanks for pointing that out as well.
On the prologue: Yes, the girl in the prologue is Nessa *makes mental note to fix that later*
But, thank you for your nice comments. They made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Your review was VERY much appreciated.
Nariel
This is really interesting. I think you've got something here, Nariel.
You don't need to explain everything that's happening. Leave it up to the reader to figure it out - just keep it clear. I didn't like the description of who and what Jimmy was; I was already getting an idea.
But a couple things, as always
Also, I found the switch from the Prologue to Chapter One confusing. I thought that maybe Nessa was the girl the guy in the beginning inhabited. So I advise to either separate the two sections completely, or mention the name of the girl sleeping.
Oh, and remember. This:
Not this:
Keep writing this. I really like it, and I want to see where you go with it.
KJ