Published January 15, 2006
Okay this is my very first poem. I usually write stories but i decided to have a go at poetry. I hope you like.
Love is…
Love is like a merry-go-round.
Once you stop, you fall to the ground.
Love is the same as a walk in the park.
Birds sing, lovers stroll, which is to end in a riot control.
Love is a burden most of us say.
There is the action and here is the replay.
Though I love you, so dear to my heart.
And yes, I know you hate that calorie chart
But if you wait and listen to me.
I will never stop telling you Love is… not even under an intolerable degree.
Now I have come to an end.
I see you leap for joy with intend.
Never forget I told you this.
You are everything that I will miss.
Love is… Oceanic Bliss.
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the rhythm died very early in the poem and the rhyme was very forced.
and the calorie chart was utterly random....
the beginning and the ending were far better. you could be really good, but remember that not all poetry has to rhyme, in fact, some of the most beautiful poet's in the world don't attempt this. and try to tackle simpler subjects - love is simple, i suppose, but it's not something you just splatter on the page.
that was pretty. really it was.
Firstly, welcome to YWS! I'm not much of a poet either, but I'll give you my thoughts, like it or not
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The rhythm for the poem is really choppy and inconsistent, making the flow disrupted.
But if you wait and listen to me.
I will never stop telling you Love is… not even under an intolerable degree.
This, for example. The second line is way too long for its own good.
The similes/metaphors in the poem seem either random or put there to keep the rhyme.
Though I love you, so dear to my heart.
And yes, I know you hate that calorie chart
A calorie chart? I guess it's something only you [and possibly another] would get, but this seems to have no relation to anything whatsoever.
It seems like the poem was just a bunch of similes and metaphors for love. Though there's nothing wrong with that, they are disconnected, so it's hard to see where you're really going with the poem. Also, the flow is choppy. A lot of the phrases are blunt or out of place, so reading one line makes the next line confusing and awkward.
I hope this helps. Good luck on your poetry [if you continue to pursue it]!