the rhythm died very early in the poem and the rhyme was very forced.
and the calorie chart was utterly random....
the beginning and the ending were far better. you could be really good, but remember that not all poetry has to rhyme, in fact, some of the most beautiful poet's in the world don't attempt this. and try to tackle simpler subjects - love is simple, i suppose, but it's not something you just splatter on the page.
Love is… Oceanic Bliss.
that was pretty. really it was.
Points: 890
Reviews: 688
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