People walk forward slowly, as if their steps weighted more than they should. They are all dressed in black clothes. And they all hold white roses, which they throw into the hole. Some stand to watch the flower fall, others just throw it and go. I see them. I know them. But my mind doesn’t register what my eyes capture. I can’t think, and all my body feels numb. I know it’s not a dream, but it doesn’t feel real either. The sun is burning my skin. Flowers are growing on the trees and over the grass. On a day like this? The skies should be gray, and it should be pouring. No, this can’t be real.
Faint murmurs are going about from behind me. “So young.” “What a shame.” “Oh did you see his mother? Won’t stop crying. Poor woman…” “That’s his wife, isn’t it?” “Yes, yes she is.” The voices become fainter and fainter, until I can make no sense out of their mumbles. My mind goes blank again.
A woman approaches the center. She is not too old, but her hair is purely white. She is shaking with sobs. A young man is holding her arm, trying to keep her from falling. I can only see his profile, but it’s obvious that he is also crying. They each throw a white rose. “His brother looked liked him, didn’t he?” someone says. I try to let my mind go blank again, but I can’t.
No, he looked better than his brother, I think, and his picture appears on my head. His smiling brown eyes, his dark hair, the trace of the bear that he wouldn’t shave even with all my complaints. Tears sting my eyes and they bring me back to reality. I hold them back. Then I feel all eyes on top of me. I look at my hand. My flower is still in it. I step forward to the edge of the hole. A tear escapes me, along with a sob, as I let fall a red rose over a dozen white ones.
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This is a story I'm planning to submit to a competition. The idea is to portray a scene without actually saying what the scene is about. I would tell you all about what I'm trying to show here, but I would like to know if the idea got through without me explaining it.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Yes I was a little hesitant to place this in Romantic Short story since it's not really romantic until the end.
I might add on to it, but I kept it short because it's supposed to be for a competition that has a word limit of 500 words.
It makes me a bit sad that you wouldn't read it again, but I actually like that last line. Like you said, it gives the story a finished feeling, and that's what I wanted.
Thanks for the feedback
Hey,
I shall be your reviewer:D
Until the last paragraph, for me, it wasn't a romantic short story. It had to much of a dark feel, but the last paragraph really brought that round so well done.
Personally I would put pure white, instead of purely white. I had to read this sentence a few times to get my head around it, however it's up to you.
This is such a cute line. It sums love up in a sentence so really well done.
I couldn't read this piece again, as it has a finished feeling. I felt like if i read it again, it would ruin all the emotion that i had because of the piece. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on this, you may want to change this, but it works either way.
Overall
I would give this piece an 7/10. This has a lot of potential to be a really good love short story, but at the moment it is a little to short. I would try and expand or add more description. It just needs a paragraph or two, of good writing to make it a 9 or 10.
PM if you need anything.
~Retro Disco666