Published June 5, 2011
Streaming across the room in dazzling rays
My eyes straining
Adjusting to the waking light of day
This moment
Being dragged from sleep
This instant
When the turmoil of my dreams leaves me
I'm disorientated
But reality comes flooding back in
It is unwanted
The light creeps into the corners of my room
Tugging with urgency at the shadows
Carefully peeling away the comforting blanket of darkness
The alarm pierces through the last layers of sleep
So I reluctantly leave behind my unfinished dreams.
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Oh, I love this! I know exactly what this is like. This happens every morning (except when I wake up before the alarm). Great job! Keep it up!
When I was reading this, I couldn't help but smile. I could just picture myself...and everyone else on a school morning when our alarm blazes on! Ugggh, horrible!
I think the emotions were GREAT, BUT, some grammar and punctuation needs working on.
My eyes strain. That would be better, along with a lot of other punctuation phrases that need working.
I think there is also some contradiction going on.
For instance:
Umm, well, you just said that the dreams were turmoil, although you don't want to wake up!? Haha, maybe you need to clear that up...I was confused at that point.
My favorite line:
Keep writing, you have good potential! Just remember punctuation, because it makes it flow MUCH better.
it was ok keep writing
Just because it's a poem, doesn't mean it doesn't need to have punctuation!!!!!! Oh, and the rhythm was a tiny bit... well a little more than a tiny bit off in some places, but overall the piece was an astoundingly good work of poetry, a commendable effort, Keep Writing!
I liked this, especially because I indentified with it. I've never thought of it this eloquently, of course, but it definitely struck a chord.
Very true.
I agree with Explosive_Pen, though. The rhythm was just a little off, but not too bad. Other than that, I don't think I saw any errors.
Well done, and keep on writing!
Hello!
I really like the imagery and the strong words that you used in your poem, like "dragged" and "turmoil". Your words were interesting and created a strong feeling throughout the entire poem, which is difficult to do.
The rhythm is off, but I personally struggle with that myself. It'll come as you write more, but one way to improve is to read your poetry out loud, see if it flows nicely.
I agree with Jasmine, you do need to add in some punctuation. Lacking it may seem like a stylistic thing, but most readers would prefer a properly punctuated poem. It would also help with the flow.
That said, you did do a really good job with this poem, and I'd like to see more of your work.
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. This is really lovely. Your imagery is strong and works well, and I especially enjoyed "The light creeps into the corners of my room
Tugging with urgency at the shadows".
It was really vivid and "tugging" was an interesting and effective word choice.
I'd put a full-stop after the first line and say "My eyes strain" in the second line. Otherwise it sounds like the speaker's eyes are streaming across the room!
Personally I'd add a few more full-stops and commas, but I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, so if you'd like my thoughts on this you can p.m me.
A joy to read.
Hope this helps!
Looking forward to reading you again,
Jas