Published June 2, 2011
Don't forget my face,
or the stupid things i've said,
please,
retain a memory.
can you do that?
would you do that for me?
I don't want to become a name you can't recall,
a name that doesn't mean a thing when you're sifting through the fog of your eventful past,
through all the memories,
and I know it's a lot too much to ask,
but I just don't want to be left,
with every word you ever said to me,
every fire you ever set raging inside me,
when I know,
that you will barely remember who I am,
in ten years time,
in ten years time...
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139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hey shiney1 here, and welcome to YWS!
I like the concept, and it is understandable. It has some feeling in it, but the imagery could use some work. It does not flow in some places, and sounds a bit choppy to me at times.
So that's about it from me. Keep up the good work!
Hello there. :3
Nitpicks:
Your poem has a good start. It is a good read and has a good flow for the first two lines and then the rest of it just tear apart the flow and it is a bit awkward for the reader who experienced two lines which had good flow. And the “I” in “I’ve” in the second will be in capitals. And then last two lines say more or less the same thing. Any one of it would do to convey your thoughts to the reader. The use of both just makes it sound a bit weird.
In the second line, I suppose you meant “shifting” in place of “sifting”. I didn’t much like how you placed your lines here but I did like the imagery you produced in the second line but it would be of no use unless you make the poem look attractive and a huge line like the second one here does not make your poem attractive at all. Break it down into smaller lines to keep the other lines in proportion.
If you just remove the “and” at the starting of this line then it would look pretty much okay. And, the use of “too much” is not needed because the occurrence of ‘too” and “to” just after one word sounds odd. If you remove “too much” from there then also your line would mean the same thing.
Add “alone” at the end of this line. It would make it sound more powerful and emotional.
So, I liked you poem a lot. It brings out a lot of emotions and contains good imagery. At some places the flow was not at all there but I am thinking that it could be on purpose to do so. And the huge line should be sliced down because it seriously looks bad. Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here and that I could help you improve by my review.
Keep writing.
Hi! I liked this poem. The sentence length, however, was a little bit mish-mashed. You maintain a good flow, though. I like the Idea of no capitilisation, but you need to be consisitent. In a few places you start a sentence with a capital. I don't really have any nitpicks, only that the second stanza needs breaking up to create a smoother, more elegant structure. Happy writing!
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
So I see you've already got some reviews done, good job!
Anyway back to business. So I see a lot potential in this poem, it's very light and it means well. I think the major problem I had with this is the punctuation. There are just too many commas. Your poem also does not read that well, as it should. Especially from the second stanza, it's like reading one sentence the whole way through. It made it lose a lot of momentum as well as feeling and meaning. Again, this is written in a simple straight forward way, so try and focus on the little elements that make up a poem so that it's more attention grabbing!
Well, I hope I could help.
Keep writing and good luck!