Published June 4, 2011
She makes her move
To escape
To get out of this place
She needs the blissful night air
To feel the moonlight
To see the darkness
She needs to replace the ugly noise
The vulgar words
The stench of sweat
She is choking on that lingering smell
The invasive odour
The rank stink of alcohol
She can feel the stale mixture
The filthy air
The sticky heat clinging to her skin
She can't breathe
She can't move her limbs fast enough
She feels it
She crashes through the fire door
Gasps
Gulps
Sheer relief and she can feel
As the night rushes into her lungs
She feels purified
Released
And she begins to wander home
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141,630 Literary Works • 675,280 Reviews
I think I agree with what Sassykat said earlier. I like it, the descriptions are good. But I don't connect with it like a poem usually does with the reader. Among this, I also think that the line grouping is odd, the one-two-one-two-four 'pattern.' But I did quite like the feel of it :]
Try and find a shorter way to say this? Like, 'The humidity clinging to her'.
This last part is so different from the rest of the break pattern of the poem... Try to change it so it will be the same as the rest.
Great job! This has very good imagery but I don't really know where this girl is and why she needs the night air so much. See if you can fit in those explanations in there.
Otherwise you also have very good flow except for the last four stanzas (which I mentioned above).
You need to add in some punctuation too. If you'd like, PM me and I'll see if I can do it correctly for you, 'kay?
Good job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hmmm. Very nice, very descriptive, but it just needs a little more...substance. Why is she running? What is she running from? What happened before this? This is a flash, a moment, but not a whole story. It's the last chapter of a novel, so it doesn't make sense unless you've read the beginning. You're a good writer, I know you can make this even better! Fantastic!