“How old did you say you were again?” The short plump shopkeeper asked her again looking back at her and her ID.
“18 sir. Please let me have this job. I’ll meet your expectations or more. Sir I’m desperate now” The girl said. She knew she wasn’t putting on a good first impression but she was in a hurry. If she made t on time, she may still have a chance.
The man said nothing. His eyes were fixed on the card. He sat hunched a bit on a cardboard box with his arm out and bent down at an angle with his fist at his thigh. The girl bit her lower lip anxiously as she looked around the stuffy store room. Finally the man looked up at her then back at the card for a brief moment reading ,
“Zakiya, Is it?” It was rhetorical. Zakiya couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye, instead she stared at his bushy mustache. She didn’t notice the stern glare he was giving her.
He held back her card. She sighed quietly in relief. The hard part was over…or so she thought.
“The card says you’re 20.” He said in a gruff voice. This seized her heart which then began beating faster. [i] How did that happen! [/i] she thought. Her mind was in an uproar making it harder for her to maintain her facial expression.
The man got up and held open the door. This short notice interview was over.
“Quite frankly I don’t believe either. In my shop I value honesty and if you can’t even tell the truth about-“
“14…I’m 14” There, she had said it. She dreaded having come to this but maybe now that she told him the truth with her head bowed he would…even though she was under aged. She didn’t like the way things were going. Zakiya wasn’t ready to be let go without her trying her best.
“Please my mom’s ill and-“
“Goodbye Zakiya.” He said absolute.
“No you don’t understand! I’m sorry I lied but I really need a job now.”
Why wasn’t it working? Jimmy said it would turn out fine. He convinced her it would be alright and that everything would return to normal if she stopped crying and tried. But Jimmy didn’t know for sure. He wasn’t a doctor.
“…She’s in the hospital.” Zakiya said hoping he got that she was desperate.
“Leave before I call the police to take you back to school.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy ☺
I’m going to review your work! ☺
Okay so I personally think it looks better if you write out numbers.
Okay so a comma is needed after ‘sir’. A comma is needed after now. Said is a boing word is there anything else you could use?
I think you mean ‘it’.
‘It’ does not need to be capitalised.
This is really sad. I hope that she gets a job.
Numerous errors, some quite easy to identify. Try reading through it a few times, and you should notice the missing punctuation in some places. I fear that I can't dissect it now, for I am on my phone ^^ Other mistakes you will have to look for. Your sentence structure is ineffective at times, and some things are just written too... Commonly. Try to be original with your style... I remember blinking when I read that buildings 'claimed' someone's gaze (- Lovecraft). It is rather refreshing... Commonly used phrasings, on the other hand, such as 'she sighed quickly in relief', do not truly inspire or look good.To me, even 'Relieved, she sighed.' would sound better. Not a great example, but I think that I have made my point ^^
) You should probably end your senrence before the 'with his arm', or remove the 'with' and insert commas... Your sentence is too fast, long and confusing. Commas might save you.
Although it did not make much sense until the end... Although clear enough to be understood and followed. The ending I found dramatic, and rather good... It was truly tense 
"He sat hunched a bit on a cardboard box with his arm out and bent down at an angle with his fist at his thigh."
This would be a better example of a not-so-good sentence. He sat is boring (although acceptable), hunched a bit is terribly informal (I wonded where this word came from... But to me it sounds as bad as 'he hunched byte"
Anyhow... The story itself is quite interesting, although vague. It seems strange to me that she is in a hurry, and that she forgot her fake age. But the latter is understandable. The story overall was quite interesting
Plese do note that there is a chance that I do not know what I am talking about. And don't worry about your mistakes too much ^^ *pats head* I only learned to read when I was five, and you are already writing at four. Good luck writing!
lol that 4 year old thing gets me every time.
Thanks for the advice.I know my sentences can be to plain sometimes I'll work on it some more.
Whats that thing about lovecrafts quote? I don't really get what you mean.
About the Lovecraft quote... I just gave an example of how it would be effective to do ^.^ Instead of using the old lame 'caught my gaze' etc. (although that would have been acceptable), he wrote it this way: "Mansion after mansion claimed my gaze" It's a combination of words which I have not seen before, and it was quite pleasant to read.
I see....
Thanks for the review.