Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
The real truth is only skin thick,
If I'm being honest only real thin,
Don't let it get to deep it's toxic,
Slow down hear the clock tic,
Go and take seat it'll be minute,
As if time could only be as simple,
It's complicated like the reason why your compromised, to take your time with an issue that's out of time, relax take a breathe let your chest rise. Really that's all we got the calm before the storm and the cause before the fall.
Trying to find the reason, fuck it.
Hoping for change, fuck it.
I was fine before I started thinking,
Love was fine before it got desperate.
The road I'm on is narrow and I lost the map and the destination don't match the mental image I'm a mess that needs fixing
Fuck it I'm a fucking rock star.
No really knows the sadness before the jump.
Don't tell me how to live my life, it had no control, don't give me your counseling I know myself just give my rifle and tell me where.
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140,506 Literary Works • 673,262 Reviews
I love how chaotic this feels, and I mean that in the best way. A few lines I absolutely loved were "love was fine before it got desperate." Something about it made me stop and think and just nod my head along. It took my back, actually, to an old relationship that had gotten to that desperate point and I just love that line. Also, my heart really rang in tune with "No [one] really knows the sadness before the jump." That just hit me over and over as I kept re-reading it. Truly impactful. Wonderful writing, great job!
Why can't I press like on this song 20 times? This is awesome!! I need someone to record it, I want to hear it. I'd definitely buy this song!
Hey there, Zero,
I'm stopping by for a review, and I have to say I'm impressed.
There is a lot that could be smoothed out in terms of rhythm and line-length, but if you take a second look at this piece and organize it a bit, I'm sure you'll fix all those details.
What I'm looking at is the emotional message that you're getting across, and what I love is that it's not simple, not one stranded -- it's complex and many, which feels, overall, authentic. I feel like I'm in that room with you, watching you speak to the mirror and being able to listen in to that exchange without you being aware of me.
What I really enjoy in this piece is the speed with which you go from hope to despair. I hear the voice say that all we have is the calm before the storm, but then the very next line, we are completely giving up on hope, change, and finding a reason. Or how the speaker cared enough to bring a map, but then lost it and just isn't doing very well on his/her own. I get whiplash going from "I'm a mess that needs fixing" to being a rock star, and that all builds up to the deep, deep sadness in the last line that implies some kind of violence, whether against the speaker or against someone else. But it's kind of supported to be against the speaker by the line "No one really knows the sadness before the jump", and so after all this energy, this clear and obvious LIFE in the speaker, we are met with the threat of death. That's a worthy emotional payout, and I love the journey this piece took me on.
Thanks for sharing. I hope these thoughts are somewhat helpful to you. If you have any questions/comments please PM me or reply here.
Thanks again,
Hannah
Hello, zerorest1game! Profound lyrics here! I mean, woah!
Okay, just a few minor things here.
In the first stanza:
"Don't let it get to deep it's toxic,
Slow down hear the clock tic,"
'to' should be 'too'
'tic' should be 'tick'
In the second stanza,
"Go and take seat it'll be minute,"
Don't you mean, 'Go and take a seat, it'll be a minute'?
There are a lot of small spelling mistakes here and there, but I have a feeling you can find them. Other than that, I just think you should try and format it better, maybe separate a few things into individual lines.
Overall, this has a lot of potential, really, and I feel very worried for the narrator. Seriously.