Published February 6, 2010
There is a girl
and her cigarette
alone together on
Saturday night.
Together they wander
through hail and mist
alone together
in a mutual state of bliss.
The cigarette
aflame in the mess
desires to calm
but also to kill.
And the girl
who surrenders her will
wants to die a little
alone
with her cigarette.
It lights her way
down dark alleyways
as she inhales
all the trust they make.
She knows it's toxic
but that's why she Loves it
and it Loves her too
for letting it prove
that addiction trumps instinct
when we want it to.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,761 Literary Works • 675,708 Reviews
This line struck me as a tad too wordy.
Coupled with the line "but also to kill", the line ending in "will" sounds like an unintentional rhyme, which disrupts the flow. The word "little" also struck me as sounding a bit out of place rhythm-wise.
Having two lines end in "way" right next to each other is a bit repetitive, and there's no reason to use "alleyways" when "alleys" works just as well.
Overall, the line breaks were perfectly placed. :D The overall rhythm was quite nice, though I've pointed out the spots that I think could be improved. I also liked how you personified the cigarette. All in all, a good poem, and I enjoyed reading it. :D
I think this is absolutely beautiful. I love the way you've used capitals at the end there, and the way you've personified the cigarette. The poem has a lovely flow and every line adds something important to it. Also, the way you switch from the girl's perspective to the cigarette's is really effective. I don't really have any comments, although maybe you could change the two 'together's at the beginning - "Together they wander...Alone together." Amazing - definitely one of the best I've read on here.