z

Young Writers Society



No Witnesses

by zephion


The helicopters blades whirled, making everything else inaudible. I looked over to my partner, Chad. He looked at me and nodded. We were both ready. We slid down a rope and onto the top of the skyscraper. The task was simple, I knew when and where our target was going to be, I just had to terminate him. I pulled my long sniper rifle off my back. This was to kill the target. Chad prepared his weapon as well. The man was to walk out of the building across the street in less than an hour. That was my chance. Chad kneeled down on the edge of the building and perched his gun. He was in perfect position. I was about to lift my gun when I heard the roar of a helicopter. I looked up, it was not the same helicopter, it was red.

“Enemies! Get down!” yelled Chad.

He ran down the stairs into the abandoned building and I followed. We made it down two stories when he turned to me.

“Our cover’s been blown,” he said “How are we to complete the mission?”

“Floor twelve has a series of windows, we can fire from there.”

“Gotcha, you stay here and keep wa—“

“NO!” I shouted.

“Wha--?”

“We will stay together.”

Chad was confused by my outbreak, but didn’t have time to argue. We headed down the stairs. When we got to that floor we heard voices. This was an abandoned building, why would we hear voices? Two men stepped around the corner. Chad and I had no choice. We each pulled a pistol off our belts and fired a single shot. The two bullets were enough to kill both men instantly. The room was immediately filled with the scent of blood. The men didn’t even have a chance to register the scene before their demise came to them. Chad and I quickly found a closet to stuff them in and closed the door.

“If they were here, will there be more?” inquired Chad.

“Possibly, did the heli get the wrong coordinates?” I asked.

“Must have, these men are dressed for business.”

“Where do we head now?”

“To the next building over, and hope it’s not full.”

We begin back up the stairs. We make it up to the top floor when we hear the elevator ding. We both line up our pistols and shoot the man and women who stepped out. There can be no witnesses. I turned to Chad and he nodded, we needed to get out, no time to hide the victims.

We climbed up the flight of stairs to the roof. Chad looked into the sky, the red helicopter was nowhere in sight. We jumped the short crevasse between this building and the one over. We hear sirens in the distance.

“They found the bodies,” cried Chad “We must work quickly.”

We climbed down into the building to scout for people. It seemed that we had found an actual abandoned building this time, now we were safe, but for how long? All of a sudden the windows of the top floor exploded. We glimpsed down to see police lights. They had opened fire. I laid down on my stomach and pulled a grenade off my belt, yanked the pin and tossed the baseball sized explosive out the window. Chad and I ducked behind a couch to avoid any shrapnel. All of a sudden there was a deafening bang followed by screams of death. We peered back out the window to see blood covering the ground in every place imaginable, but that had not finished the police. There were still many left, but they were outmatched by us.

“We have to find the target before the special forces arrive” I yelled to Chad.

“Yeah, but where are we, and where is he?”

“I don’t know, but we aren’t going to find him here.”

“Let’s head back up to the roof.”

I chucked another grenade out the window and ran up the stairs. We heard the explosion, but it seemed to have less of an impact than before. Now on the roof, we had view of everything around. I peered across the street and saw a restaurant, that was it.

“Chad, the target’s in there!” I shouted.

Chad nodded, he began to set up his gun when there was a whirl of bullets. We looked up to see a helicopter shooting down at us. We were unable to hear it due to the carnage below. Special forces were on their way. I swung my gun around and peered down the sights at the pilot. With a single deafening sound a bullet soared through the windshield of the helicopter and took out the pilot. The machine was out of control and soared into the building opposite of us. Creating an explosion of fire.

“SPECIAL FORCES ON THE WAY!!” yelled Chad.

There were more shots fired from the ground and we ducked. I had to finish this. I stuck my head up tossed my last grenade and perched my gun. Looking down my scope I shot and killed every armed person in sight. This had to end. I had only one bullet left when I saw my chance.

“HERE COMES THE TARGET!!” I yelled.

Chad perched over the wall, lined up his shot and-

BANG!

Finally, my mission was complete. I swung the gun back over my shoulder and walked away from Chad’s dead body. The red helicopter returned and dropped a rope. I climbed the rope into the vehicle and sat down. There was a man in a business suit and sunglasses next to me.

“The money will be loaded into your account.” He said with absolutely no expression.

I nodded and the helicopter flew away undetected.


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Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:23 pm
FutureAstronaut wrote a review...



This story is very well written, although some punctuation errors can be found. When ending a quote that doesn't end in an exclamation point or question mark, a comma needs to be inserted before you put ''Chad said''. The book itself runs smoothly and has a well-sustained plot line. Although I think that you could describe the backgroung of Chad and the MC. Better details could help. You should try to use better words for after people say something, like instead of "said" enter "expounded". Overall it was a very good story that you should make other missions they go on, I would want to read more. Good job!!




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Mon Jul 18, 2011 6:30 am
MamaLama95 wrote a review...



The problem is, the moment you said it had a twist, I knew what was going to happen.
This was a little too childish for me. I know you were trying to portray a battle between two soldiers and an army base, but it just sounded like you had been playing COD or MOH and thought that it was all casual and normal. I was hoping to see some genuine distress, plus, the dialogue felt really forced at times.
In general, not a bad story, good narrative, interesting characters; however, it has potential to be a lot better.




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Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:27 pm
zephion says...



Thanks Aspiring Author, to tell you the truth I don't have Modern Warfare, I have played with a friend. The goal was to make these two people hired assassins which is why the MC was having money loaded into his account.




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Wed Jul 06, 2011 2:29 pm
AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote a review...



Hello, fellow writer. really, I enjoyed your story. It was brief, fast-paced, and for the most part. Entertaining. personally, though, I could not help but see a comparison to the Call of Duty Modern Warfare series. Not that that is a problem. I do, however, have the same question to ask as a previous reviewer. Who exactly are these characters? I am making the educated guess of some highly undercover ops group. Origin, I have no idea. Maybe this could be easily fixed by adding a detail of a rank igsignia on the character's clothing, if they are millitary. Or in general, describing anything about their clothing that would indicate what they are. It doesn't have to be an obvious telling though. You can make it subtle as well. like, describe it as they run, or maybe a rank insignia gets dirty as they jump from one building to another, it wrinkles. You get the idea.

As for the helicopter showing up unheard, some technology is being looked into that will make the rotor blades on helicopters more stealthy, although, not to a dramatic degree. Not yet, anyway. So that moent was not as unrealistic as it seems.

If you have any other questions, feel free to let me know.

Have a wonder day and God bless. :)

-Keep writing. You have a mind for some interesting action moments.




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:23 pm
PrincessOfDarkness wrote a review...



I liked your story, but the ending to me, was obvious. It just becasue I've read so many books I just knew from the first line/paragraph:

The helicopters blades whirled, making everything else inaudible.#0000FF "> I looked over to my partner, Chad. He looked at me and nodded. We were both ready. We slid down a rope and onto the top of the skyscraper. The task was simple, I knew when and where our target was going to be, I just had to terminate him.


I think it was the blue bit that gave it away, or it was just my sixth sense. :D

Wait. I don't think you should say it's unrealistic. It isn't because you never know, he may have been asked to kill him afer such and such a time or whatever, blah, blah- we don't have the breif he was given. I think it's a little unfair to call it unrealistic. He put time and effort into it, he enjoyed it (I hope xD) and it is GOOD, so meh. your quote is unrealistic. :)




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:59 pm
tr3x wrote a review...



Meh. Unrealistic. MC had so many chances to kill Chad earlier, while going through the building, why didn't he. He had to wait for special forces to turn up? You have a good grasp of a fast paced action sequence, but the storyline needs some work. Also, the transition from scene to scene is too rapid. For example, the helicopters. Realistically, they would have heard one pull away, and another 'enemy' helicopter come in for the kill. Also, you provide absolutely no explanations. Who are these people? Hitmen or spies, or Navy SEAL's? Overall it has a lot of room for improvement.




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:29 pm
kjr5horses wrote a review...



Hmmmmm....

It was interesting. But I did not see the twist, unless it was the MC killing Chad. :/ I have read/watched something like this before a LONG time ago, it something that I think has been over done in movies and yes even in books. It was very well written though and I enjoyed reading it. Good work!

Keep writing!

~KJR~




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:00 pm
BelarusBirdy says...



I was not expecting the ending.




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:25 pm
zephion says...



Please tell me what you think. It's a work in progress, but I think it's a good start.





I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison