Asudem's Shop

Throughout the story you used "women" which is plural, when it is singular so should be "woman." I like the attention payed to the woman's green eyes and scar, it showed the uneasiness the character felt looking at them. It's an interesting story, and original in that I haven't heard a story in which someone makes models or uses victims as some strange means like that, but the idea of walking into a building and not leaving is not original. And her intentions and what was to happen seemed predictable.

Hello. I'm Nike, here to review My corrections or thought or whatever will be in brackets : ()


The bell on the door rang as the man stepped into the still shop. (The bell on the door rang is good, that's what I think)

“Hello?” he called.

“I’m here!” called a voice.

A woman came around the corner. She had long braided blonde hair with beads strung along the strands. They rattled as she walked toward the man. As she got close the man immediately noticed her eyes. They were a brilliant green, almost too green. They were entrancing to the man, but seemed to almost make him sick to his stomach. Next he noticed the scar across her face. Without it, she may have been pretty, but it ruined her complexion. Half of her face was twisted and gashed sabotaging her chances of ever being beutiful. The scarred women walked up to the man and reached out a hand.

“Hello, my name is Asudem.” she said in a sweet voice that made the man’s skin crawl.

The man shook her hand, not thinking to give his own name.

“I-I’m afraid I’m lost,” the man stuttered, “I got off on the wrong bus stop.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate; the next bus doesn’t come for another hour.”

“Uh…”

“Here, why don’t you just sit down and have some tea until the bus comes.”

“Al-alright.” (can I see some emotion here, like his fright?)

The man sat down at the small table and Asudem disappeared again to fetch some tea. He looked around the little shop. It was decorated with little stone statues, barely visible against the grey walls and the dim lighting. Each statue, he noticed, was male. There must have been hundreds of them, all looking very obviously terrified. (more information on the statues)

“Do you like them?”

The man turned his head sharply to see Asudem with a platter holding up a pot of tea and cups. Somehow he hadn’t heard the rattle of her hair. (show his shock)

“Do you like them?” she asked again.

“They’re very… interesting.”

“I’m a stone worker; they’re sort of my hobby.”

“So, they’re not for sale?”

“Of course not, they’re my closest friends, tea?”

The pair drank the tea in silence for a while. The man found himself looking at the mysterious women again. Her scar seemed to entrance him. It was just so ugly, horrible, yet he could not turn away.

“You’re staring.” (show more anger here from her, or more niceness. Just show character)

The man looked away.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, don’t fret, it happens all the time.”

There was a pause.

“Do you know where I got this scar? My best friend gave it to me.” she chuckled, “We were fighting over a boy.

It certainly got out of hand quickly.”

The man didn’t know how to respond, so he just sat there, thinking to himself and sipping his tea.

The hour passed slowly. The man continued to choke down the bland tea and conversed with this odd women. Something just didn’t feel right about this place, and he couldn’t wait to get out.

He glanced at his watch.

“Well, I really should be going, the bus will be here soon.”

“Oh, won’t you stay a little longer.” whispered Asudem.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid that I might miss my bus.”

“You can’t leave yet, we were just becoming…. friends.”

The man stood up from the shaky table.

“I really must be going.”

Asudem stood up suddenly, her beads creating a horrible hissing noise.

“You will not leave.”

The man ran for the door, but it was locked. He shook the handle as hard as he could, he had to get out.
Nothing worked. He turned around, looked into her bright green eyes, and screamed.

The man was never found. His family alerted the police, but they had no leads, no one knew where he went. The bus driver didn’t even recognize the man’s image. (separate these sentences and make them separate paragraphs. It would be better.) You could always meet the man if you wanted too, but that would require a trip to Asudem’s shop, and that I would not recommend.


OVERALL: I loved this a lot. It was really good. I'll read more from you

The bell on the door rang as the man stepped into the still shop. [[Probably more efficient to just say "doorbell"]]

“Hello?” he called.

“I’m here!” called a voice.

A woman came around the corner. She had long braided blonde hair with beads strung along the strands. They rattled as she walked toward the man. As she got close the man immediately noticed her eyes. [[OK, so the rhythm and progression of this story needs to slow down considerably. The sentence structure is choppy sentence-to-sentence, and I can tell you're rushing to throw in details]]. They were a brilliant green, almost too green. They were entrancing to the man, but seemed to almost make him sick to his stomach. Next he noticed the scar across her face. Without it, she may have been pretty, but it ruined her complexion. Half of her face was twisted and gashed[[,]] sabotaging her chances of ever being be[[a]]utiful. The scarred women walked up to the man and reached out a hand.

“Hello, my name is Asudem.” she said in a sweet voice that made the man’s skin crawl.

The man shook her hand, not thinking to give his own name.

“I-I’m afraid I’m lost,” the man stuttered, “I got off on the wrong bus stop.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate; the next bus doesn’t come for another hour.”

“Uh…”

“Here, why don’t you just sit down and have some tea until the bus comes[[?]]”

“Al-alright.”

The man sat down at the small table and Asudem disappeared again to fetch some tea. He looked around the little shop. It was decorated with little stone statues, barely visible against the grey walls and the dim lighting. Each statue, he noticed, was male. There must have been hundreds of them, all looking very obviously terrified.

“Do you like them?”

The man turned his head sharply to see Asudem with a platter holding up a pot of tea and cups. Somehow he hadn’t heard the rattle of her hair.

“Do you like them?” she asked again.

“They’re very… interesting.”

“I’m a stone worker; they’re sort of my hobby.”

“So, they’re not for sale?”

“Of course not, they’re my closest friends[[;]] tea?”

The pair drank the tea in silence for a while. The man found himself looking at the mysterious women again. Her scar seemed to entrance him. It was just so ugly, horrible, yet he could not turn away.

“You’re staring.”

The man looked away.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, don’t fret, it happens all the time.”

There was a pause.

“Do you know where I got this scar? My best friend gave it to me.” [[S]]he chuckled, “We were fighting over a boy.[[Why is the rest of the sentence on the other line?]]

It certainly got out of hand quickly.”

The man didn’t know how to respond, so he just sat there, thinking to himself and sipping his tea.

The hour passed slowly. The man continued to choke down the bland tea and conversed with this odd women. Something just didn’t feel right about this place, and he couldn’t wait to get out.

He glanced at his watch.

“Well, I really should be going, the bus will be here soon.”

“Oh, won’t you stay a little longer[[?]]” whispered Asudem.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid that I might miss my bus.”

“You can’t leave yet, we were just becoming…. friends.”

The man stood up from the shaky table.

“I really must be going.”

Asudem stood up suddenly, her beads creating a horrible hissing noise.

“You will not leave.”

The man ran for the door, but it was locked. He shook the handle as hard as he could[[;]] he had to get out. [[As a small suggestion, I would say think about putting "he had to get out" in italics to give it that added sense of urgency. ]]
Nothing worked. He turned around, looked into her bright green eyes, and screamed.

The man was never found. His family alerted the police, but they had no leads[[.]] no one knew where he went. The bus driver didn’t even recognize the man’s image. You could always meet the man if you wanted [[to]], but that would require a trip to Asudem’s shop, and that I would not recommend.



Okay, so good, this story is good, but it needs a more elaborate ending. I think it would've been interesting if his wife, for example, went into Asudem's shop and picked up the stone figure of her husband or something. But maybe that's just me. ^^ I also would have liked to know a little more about Asudem's past, about who the man was and what had happened after the fight. This was a solid start, but it needs detail!

Keep writing!

There is a lot of dialog. A little to much and not enough explanation. It could be helped with why she wanted him to stay. Why is the scar significant to his role in the story? etc. Keep up the good work and hope this helps!