So, this is a rough draft I wrote. Let me stress the "rough" part. Its very, very rough. There is not much background information on mycharacterSarah, and grammar and descriptions may be quite rough. But do critique, I could use it. This next paragraph is a little intro to where I got the idea for this story...but feel free to skip over it if you think it's boring. And thank you for reading!
I am a teenager, I struggle with depression. The idea of this book actually comes from some very morbid suicide fantasies I have had. But even though I still struggle with a lot of depression and trauma, I have realized that the healing process is slow, and I am learning to cope. Honestly, I am not in the sort of place I want to be in life right now, no where near there actually. But I have enough hope to keep taking steps forward, no matter how small they are.
"Hello Sarah. I'm Dr. Piper, how are you today?" Every therapist I have been to seems to always greet me with this exact question. What kind of question is that? Obviously I'm not all that great, or else I wouldn't be here. I didn’t reply. Out of my peripheral vision I could see my mother staring at me. Dr. Piper pursed her lips and smiled stiffly. "Well...I'm going to need you to fill out this form here." She handed the form to my mother. Then she got out a clip board and a pen from her desk, and scribbled something down as she started to ask me questions.
"So, Sarah, how have you been feeling lately?" Wonderful, I thought. Just kittens and rainbows. "Okay." I mumbled, crossing my arms over my chest. Dr. Piper kept scribbling things down on her clipboard, only looking up at me to nod her head. "Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?" She asked, looking up at me. I looked down. "I have seen cuts on her arms." My mother said quietly, still filling out the form. "Have you had suicidal thoughts?" Stop asking me questions, I thought. Just stop. I stared at my shoes. They were dirty, I made a mental note to wash them. I looked at Dr. Piper's shoes. They were low, black heels with an alligator texture. My mother's shoes were a pair of yellow flip flops from Old Navy. Old Navy flip flops always gave me blisters. "I don't know." My mother said with a sigh. She put a hand on my back and gently stroked it. I slid to the front of my chair trying to make her stop. "Sarah? How are you feeling right now?" Dr. Piper whispered. I could feel her looking at me. I looked up. Her sky colored blouse had a stain on it. Her voice made me feel sick. "Sarah? Answer her." My mother chirped. Her hand fell stiff on my back. My head felt warm with anger. I stood up and walked to the door. "Where are you going?" Mother asked. I slammed the door and broke in to a run.
As I ran through the front entrance of the mental health clinic, the receptionist stared at me suspiciously. A blast of cool air whooshed in to my face as I sprinted outside. Where now? I was far away from home. Across the street was a nature trail. I continued to sprint towards it, my legs beginning to numb. My throat burned, and my side ached. When did I get so out of shape? Nearing the trail, I almost ran in to a couple. They were holding hands and seemed to come out of no where. I scrambled past them and heard the man mumble something to his wife. I kept running until I ended up at a bright, forestry area. It had a small opening that had a narrow dirt trail cutting through it. Probably for bikes. I ran through the small entrance. My heart was pounding, and my chest felt like it would burst. I wondered how long it would take for someone to find me. The trail curved past a steep hill. I looked over it, and below was a long windingcreek. The water looked almost clear, and rushed over several rocks, making them sparkle.
I sat down and inched myself down the hill. Patches of thorn bushes spotted the hill. I grabbed on to tree roots for stability, some of them coming loose and crumbling dirt in to the water. Finally I let my self slide down the tall hill to the edge of the creek. I took my shoes off and threw them in the water. They were cheap anyways. Water splashed all over my clothes as the shoes landed in the water. I stuck my foot in the liquid. It was ice cold, and made a shiver dance up my spine. The autumn air swirled around my face and made it sting.
My mother told me once that creeks and rivers had under currents, which could drown someone, especially when the water was high. I stood up and walked across the rocks that were poking out through the rushing water. Someone was going to find me if I didn’t keep moving...but I didn’t want to run anymore. Maybe Dr. Piper will put me in a ward for running away. Better than jail, I suppose. But itdidn'tseem realistic.
Suddenly, my foot slipped on a wet, mossy rock. I splashed in to the water, catching myself with my hands. The icy water soaked in to my clothes, and small sharp rocks stuck on my hands. I rubbed my hands together to brush off the rocks, and got back up. I noticed a darker area of water, where no rocks surfaced. It must be deeper. A willow tree drooped over the area, barely touching the water. My body quivered under my soaked clothes.What the hell.I stripped off my clothes and splashed over to the deep water.
In the distance I could hear sirens. Maybethey'refor me.
The water was deep enough to rush over my shoulders.
The trees rustled loudly. I glanced up. I heard voices, a group of people were making their way towards the hill. I waded deeper in to the willow tree's drooping vegetation, and sunk under water quietly, careful not to make the water move too much. I closed my eyes as the icy liquid swallowed my face. Everything was nice and quiet. Peaceful.
I realized the group of people might be looking for me. Thoughts flooded my mind. Should I just surrender? I mean, where else am I supposed to go? But I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to hide in my room all day. I didn’t want to be invisible at school, and float around like a ghost. I was so tired of feeling the way I did. No one understood. Of course that’s what every dramatic teenager says, but maybe they say for a reason. I was sick of going through shrink after shrink. Every diagnosis the same, depression. I was sick of the meds. They made me feel like a robot. And I was sick of my mother. She has never given up on me. I have tried to be the daughter she wanted me to be. Hell, I have tried to be the person thateveryonewanted me to be. But I cant. I just...cant.
My lungs ached. I breathed out slowly, making small and tiny bubbles rise to the surface. My body was screaming for air. But I ignored it. It was time to do something different. I have been doing the same thing, for so long. Following orders and letting people make decisions for me, because I cant make them for myself. Because people think I amunableto make them for myself. ButMaybe it's time that I did.
I thought about my mother. She was about all I had, aside from my teachers, who pretended to care with their fake smiles and empty eyes. I love my mother so much, but she has been struggling with me for too long. She has held on to me for as long as she could. She tries to battle my mental illness as if its her job. It’s a hopeless fight. And In the back of her mind, I believe she knows that. She needs to go on with her life, and I know I can let her do that. I know she is strong enough to let me go.
My body pulses with pain, and my head feels light. I swim further to the floor of the creek, and dig my hands and feet in to the mossy floor. I feel panic, and doubt, and pain. But I also feel that I have been preparing myself for this decision for a long time. My body begins to feel numb, and I barely the cool water. A cry tries to escape from my body, but there is no air to carry it through.
I tell myself it is going to be okay, and I inhale. My eyes fly open, everything is dark and blurry. Instinctively, my body thrashes. My body is choking, it isdrowning. I tighten my grip on the creek floor, and breathe in cold liquid.Its funny how water is so vital to giving you life, yet has the ability to take it away.
Thoughts melt together, and my blurry vision turns black. Everything feels calm.
I feel a choking sensation...again. My eyes quiver open to lights. My body is being racked with violent coughs, and water spills from my mouth. A man kneels over me, his hands pushing on my chest rhythmically. "I need some oxygen over here, she's conscious." He yells.
I want to know more about what they think and why they stormed off just like that. Is this there first visit?
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