Published September 12, 2011
I was in a classroom with black and white checkered walls, and a dark green chalk board. The walls were shiny, and reflective like a mirror. I noticed that some of the white tiles were slowly turning red…I looked down. I was sitting in a pool of dark blood. The blood was rising rapidly, where was this coming from?
Everything was in slow motion…the blood made elegant waves and splashed against the walls in thick drops of wine colored tears. Suddenly, a wave of warm blood slapped my face. I looked to my side slowly, and saw the source of the ocean of blood. Children were being slaughtered. There figures were blurry and vague, and I could not see how they were being tortured, or whom by. I felt a slow rush of adrenalin and fear washing over me as I realized that I too would be slaughtered. I glanced behind me, seeing a messy pile of desks pushed in to a corner.
The blood was half way to my knees. I got up, and tried to sprint through the heavy waves of blood. I was half way to the desks when I heard an earth shattering scream. Swiveling around, I saw a girl about my age, running. Time seemed to be getting faster, not so painfully slow.
The girl had a deep gash at her side that bled obnoxiously. You could see the pain in her eyes, as she ran from her murderer. Her long, dark hair dripped with blood as she looked behind her with terror. Suddenly, she began to fall…time slowed and her desperate screams echoed in sharp blades that tore through reality.
I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath, fearing for the girl immensely. Her screams suddenly seemed to be inside me, echoing through me trying to escape. I opened my eyes as my body became enveloped in warmth. Everything was dark red…I was immersed in blood. Time fastened, almost to normality. I tore through the blood in panic, deeply inhaling the taste of blood.
The screaming stopped, and then quickly began again from a distance. I searched for the agonizing sound. I saw the girl, with the long dark hair…screaming and weakly pointing to a vague direction. I tried to stand up, my legs piercing with pain. The girl started to run towards me, her face contorting into a sob.
The girl held me tightly and pointed to the side.
I saw a mirror…I saw myself, with a knife.
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Thanks so much for the review! I am posting a slightly edited of this story in the Sci-fi category of short stories soon.
The descriptions are good and thorough, but it often feels like you're describing the same thing or the same kinds of actions, that it begins to feel redundant and like we're treading over the same ground.
You know what I mean? Half of the story is just recycled bits about how the blood moves, or how time moves, or how the girl screams.
Should be "Their figures were blurry." "Their" is possessive. "There" is a location.
"adrenaline" is the correct spelling.
"pushed into a corner"
"halfway" is one word. And why is the narrator headed to the desks?
Are you using the archaic definition of obnoxious in that it was "exposed to something unpleasant or harmful"? Because no one knows that definition, and instead we think you mean that you're annoyed that she's bleeding...which just sounds weird.
The word "suddenly" is abused here. Just say she stumbled or something.
This wording here evokes little. There's nothing to feel or sense from this...just some abstract words that kind of fall dead.
Lose the "immensely." It's unnecessary.
Contrary to usage, "fasten" doesn't mean "to become faster" but to "secure together." Quicken? Sped up? Hasten, even? All of those mean an increase in speed.
Also "normal" instead of "normality" will do.
This just seems...unnecessary. "It stopped. Then it started again."
They are? I never would have known until you told me here.
There sure is a lot of blood...
Anyways. Overall, proofread and spice up the language some. And if you've already described something once, don't feel the need to describe it again just to reinforce the mood. And cut out some trite phrases like "tear through reality."
Hey there!
It was really creepy. Your descriptions are really good. I got the feel of real nightmare. Especially the time speeding up and slowing down part was good. The end was really amazing..
Inshort we can say, 'WOW'
Really good piece of work. Keep writing. All the best...
Cheers !
Thanks so much for the reviews! Yes, this story was loosely based on a real nightmare that my step mother had...I really liked it, so I built to it and changed it a bit.
I like it a lot! You gave very good description and i really enjoyed reading it. I only have a few things to say.
I feel that you used the word "Blood" a bit too much. I would try to use a synonym of some sort like the crimson liquid, or something of that sort. But other than that I really like your piece!!
Please keep writing!!
Wow! Very dark and creepy! Was this a real nightmare? I have a few nitpicks, but not much. First, you wrote there where you should have had their. And you separeted the word into. I didn't catch any other mistakes, but I wasn't being too careful. At the beginning I feel you could have done more with showing instead of telling. Don't just say there was blood. Give us a bit more description. Just not too much, or else it would just be too gory and disturbing. I liked all your references to time speeding up and slowing down. It added a nice touch. the ending was great, way to turn it even more scary than it was. I just think you could do a bit more, rather than having this all so blunt. However, it's well written and well thought out. Good job, and keep writing!