setting: daycare/orphanage filled with children and some adults
A mother brings her children to work with her, the cildren mentioned are Sis and Robby
Little girl, named Sis climbs onto lady's lap and settles down
Lady gently takes Sis off
repeat twice
On third time Sis looks up at the lady
Sis: Escuse me bu I was sittin thewre
Lady: I don't even know you, and quite frankly you sitting on my lap like that is uncomforable.
Sis: Fine be dat way, sheesh spoyal sport!
Sis wonders off to find her hidusly ugly older brother, Robby.
Sis: hello ugwe
Robby: Hi Sis
Sis: youw so ugwe, you know dat?
Robby: Yes Sis, I know, you and all the rest of the family are constantly reminding me
Sis: yep you arw uuuuglwe
Robby: hmmm
Sis: sutup! Evweone hates you.
They sit there in silence, when an ugly lady wonders by and suddenly sees Robby.
ugly Lady (not sarcasticaly): Oh my goodness, you are the most beautiful child I have ever seen!
Sis: Why tank oo
Ugly Lady: Not you, him!
Sis: Don be silwe, he's ugly!
ugly lady: no he isn't, he is perfect! Where I come from we hold a very different view or good looks, than you hideous Americans. I love him. What is your name boy?
Robby: Robby.
Ugly Lady: can I adopt you Robby? And bring you back to Bumbala island? You would be rich there, you could become a model or actor.
Robby: Sure! I would love too! Will you be my new mommy?
Ugly lady: Yes definitely, I love you.
Sis: wa...?
Ugly Lady picks up Robby and precedes to leave.
Robby and Sis's real mother who worked at the daycare came over.
mother: What are you doing with my son?
ugly lady: adopting him
mother: You can't do that; he is my son.
Ugly lady: It is up to Robby.
mother: Robby come back, I love you!
Robby: I don't think I will
mother: but I love you and you said you love me
Robby's other siblings come over to watch
Robby: I only said that because it would be awkward if you said it and I did not say anything back.
Mother: Why not?
Robby: You never protected me or chastised my siblings for their ridicule. Whenever we did not have enouph of something for all of us I missed out. I got last pick. Sis always got treated the best. Last christmas I got 5 toys and Sis got 10.
Ugly woman and Robby: bye
They leave , Robby's mother sits on the floor looking dejected. Sis comes over.
Sis: Is al right Mommy, I'm youw favorate anyway, wight?
mother: Yes you are right; your my favorite and Robby was ugly anyway.
She gets up and goes about business as usual. like Robby never existed.
Sorta sad aye?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review for the RevMo Checklist Challenge (though you'll likely never see this)!
This was a very interesting (almost absurdist) script! I enjoyed reading it, and thought it was both comic and eerie at the same time. You included the setting and the beginning, and throughout I felt there was a good mix of dialogue and action.
I liked how matter-of-fact the characters spoke to and about each other. It definitely helped give the script a cohesive feel, and made it evident that you were going for a more absurdist piece than a naturalistic one. In a way, I think the fact that it's a script helped sell the dialogue more; it feels like a performance piece in that way.
I also liked your choices in writing Robby's dialogue versus the sister's dialogue. Sis' dialogue felt more baby-ish and biased against Robby, and I found myself rooting for Robby more than her. He had a more polished and reasonable way of speaking, which made him seem less whiny, which then made me like him more.
One thing I wondered about was if the story could be expanded; obviously it's not a piece that is meant to be taken seriously, but I wondered if you could lean more into the absurdist nature of it. It would be interesting to play around with to see what you could come up with. I also thought the formatting could use a little refining; there were some points where the way the text was differentiated between action and dialogue made it a little hard to tell which was which.
Overall: nice work! I think this was a very unique piece, and I enjoyed reading it! I hope to read more of your work soon!
Well it was a very odd piece of writing, but i liked it. The dialect for the characters were good.
Thx!
but the black rose could you elaborate on your critique please.
One thing I forgot...
While the dialogue was a bit stale, I loved the voices that you gave the characters. You gave them a distinct way of sounding without describing their accents or anything like that.
this was a bit funny... but ti was kinda weird to read seeing as you didn't define where the names and ations were... fix that up and that'll be good...
you know you vewy uuuuge!
It is supposed to be odd. I know it does not happen like that in real life. He doesn't hate her, he just does not care. I will try to develope them more like you said. Thx for the imput!
I suppose that everything will be in how it is acted out, but right now, it's a bit odd. Robby gets picked up by some stranger and taken away? And he, despite being a little boy, is very willing to leave his mother? Even if a mother is terrible, the child still loves her until at least the teenage years.
It's interesting, but it needs more depth to it. You should add a scene where it becomes clear that Robby actually does hate his mother, and leave more time for character development.