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18+ Language Violence

short story #1 // (september 2021)

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

// tws: graphic violence, descriptions of bullying, police (?) brutality, swearing

-

“Woah, score!” Bright Flash shouted to his two companions. “Come here, dudes! We found a few villains over here! Probably some minions, they look conked out!”

The minions in question were two scrawny men cowering in a corner holding onto each other. They put their hands up in unison and gestured to the police officers across the street. “We-we already surrendered to the police, we sw-swear!” one of them babbled. “You-you don’t have to do anything to us, pl-please. We already surren-”

Dim Flash laughed in their face. “You think that villains have any say in what we do?”

Dark Flash hopped behind them and kicked the one on the left in his back, forcing him to the ground. He put his heavy boot on the minion’s neck and left it there. The minion began sobbing out loud, scrabbling at the ground to get away, but Dark Flash kept him still with his boot.

Dim Flash grabbed the other’s hair, bringing his head to his knee with a sickening crack. He lifted the minion back up, blood dribbling from his now broken nose, and grinned. “You revoked any rights you had the moment you chose villainy. How do we know you’re not acting, huh? You’re dangerous criminals!”

They tossed the villains around a few more times, the police across the street turning away while the minions cried for help. The Triple Flash, as the hero group called themselves, only stopped beating up the minions when they heard a warping noise behind them.

The group turned around. Dim Flash sneered. “Oh, who’s this?”

A man delicately stepped out of what looked like a black, circular portal and waved his gloved hand, adorned with rings and fake claws, making it disappear. He tilted his head, face covered by half of a black gas mask, Asian eyes crinkling in amusement. He said nothing, just walked towards them menacingly, black high heels clicking on the ground. The police trained their guns on him, and the Triple Flash lifted their fists in front of them. The man stopped and waved his hand in dismissal. “Don’t bother.” His voice was deep, but sounded warped, as if there was a voice modulator. “I’m only here to make a trade. There’s no fighting needed, I promise you.”

“It’s been awhile since we’ve had a new contender on the field!” Bright Flash shouted in delight. “How are you going to fare against us, I wonder?”

“I’ll win.” The man left no room for argument. Bright Flash shivered under the gaze of the man’s eyes.

“What’s the trade?” a terrified police woman said. She kept her gun trained on him. “I’m telling you right now, you can’t take our prisoners. We-”

“Oh? Your prisoners?” the man said with glee. He put his hands on his hips and leaned towards her. “I was under the impression that they were under my payroll, aren’t they not? In all fairness, doesn’t that make them mine? Besides—” He straightened himself. “—they are a part of the trade, and I will be taking them whether you like it or not.”

Behind the heroes, the minions grinned hysterically.

“There’s nothing that you can give us that will be worth it for them,” Dark Flash said. His eyes brimmed with confidence. “They got captured, which makes them ours!”

The man threw his head back and laughed. “Where are their handcuffs? All I see are cuts and bruises! In fact... this reminds me of a certain scene I saw a few years ago... oh yeah! Kaoru Myers.”

Each member of the Triple Flash stiffened, confidence dying out of their eyes. The man laughed at them again. “Oh, do you know the kid? He was tortured for years! Three bullies had targeted him, sound familiar? Every day, he would come home with a new bruise while his mother fussed over him and his father slept with other women! He had barely any solace; anything he found was taken away from him.” The man began pacing back and forth, gesturing with his hands. “The diary? Found out about, stolen, and read to everyone. The sketchbook? Found out about, stolen, ripped into the trash. The game console his mother bought him? Found out about and stolen.” He pointed at Dim Flash. “In fact, it was you who broke into his house for the game, wasn’t it, Cameron? Do you still have it?”

Dim Flash, also known as Cameron, opened his mouth to retaliate, but no sound came out of his mouth.

“That’s what I thought! And you!” He pointed his finger at Dark Flash. “Cute hero name, Aaron! Where did you get it? Oh yeah; it was from the short story that Kaoru wrote for a contest that you stole and successfully accused him of plagiarism! The hero, Dark Flash. It was a catchy name at the time, wasn’t it?”

“Who do you think you are?” Dark Flash - Aaron - angrily demanded, fists clenched so much that the white of his knuckles was clearly seen. “I don’t know how you found out about our identities, but this slander is inexcusable!”

“It’s not slander if it’s the truth,” the man pointed out, delight infecting every inflection of his voice. “And how about Carter, hm? He was the most tame of your group! At least, until he found that Kaoru was - how did you phrase it again? - a ‘dirty queer.’ Then, he got creative. He was the one who came up with cutting into the crotch of Yuki’s jeans while he was still in them, right? You threatened him to not move lest you ‘cut his balls off’…. which was very clever, I must admit.”

Carter, hero alias Bright Flash, rushed towards the man with a roar. The man summoned a portal in front of him and dropped Bright Flash behind him, a few feet up. “Cute,” he laughed, dodging a roundhouse kick from Dark Flash. The Triple Flash all attacked him in tandem, but the man dodged all of it, yelling taunts the entire time.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

The police’s bullets flew harmlessly into portals the man made almost absentmindedly, which were redirected to the front of the police car tires. The police could only watch in horror as several of their tires were punctured with the bullets, rendering their vehicles almost useless.

The man practically skipped towards the happily waiting minions, who grabbed onto one of each of his arms. “Duck,” he instructed them. The minions complied, barely dodging a wayward fist.

“Your determination matches that of a book protagonist, but...” The man kicked his foot directly into the diaphragm of Dark Flash, sending him wheezing onto the ground. “You all need much more practice before you can beat me.” He caught Dim Flash’s fist and kicked him in the crotch, then threw him straight into Bright Flash. The minions held on for dear life.

The man turned around. “You know, if you had taken my offer for a trade, you could have gotten something so much more valuable than bottom-feeding minions.” He waved his hand and a portal appeared in front of them. He stepped towards it when:

“Hey! Stop!”

The man turned back around. “Oh?”

Emerald Angel - the #2 hero, renowned around the world for stopping villains before they could do any real damage - stood in front of the police, heels shoulder-width apart, brown hands on his hips. “Who are you, and what do you want to do with Triple Flash?” His eyes squinted at the mysterious man.

The man in question laughed. “If you must know, I offered to trade extremely valuable information for these minions I have on my arms. No fighting needed. They were the ones who had attacked me. I had nothing to do with it!”

“You slandered us with baseless accusations,” Dim Flash pointed out, still holding at his crotch. “You said that we bullied a man named Kaoru, to the point where I apparently broke into his house to steal a game console. That’s blatantly false.”

“Kaoru?” Emerald Angel whispered to himself.

“Is it? Take your masks off right now, then,” the man retorted angrily. “And prove it.”

None of the Triple Flashes moved.

“We-we can’t,” Dark Flash said. “It’s against hero code.”

“I don’t much care,” the man snapped. “If I recall, that rule doesn’t apply when the other party has due cause. You could even take it off in private if you’d like, only in the company of me and Emerald Angel, yeah? I already know who you are anyway.”

“If we do that, will you leave them alone?” Emerald Angel spoke up. The Triple Flashes all whipped their heads to him in unison, eyes pleading for him to not agree.

“Yes,” the man said. “All I want is for them to pay for their crimes.”

“That seems fair.”

“Thank you very much.” He maneuvered out of the minions’ grips and pushed them towards the portal. Once they stepped in, he walked towards the Triple Flashes, cape sweeping behind him dramatically.

Dark Flash bolted, and the other two followed not long after.

The two men watched them go. Emerald Angel ducked his head in an imitation of a bow.

“I will investigate them properly later,” he promised.

“I know,” the mysterious man grunted. “You are one of the few heroes that I’d trust.”

Emerald Angel whipped his head up, but the mysterious man began walking towards the portal he had thrown the minions in. “Wh- wait.”

“Hm?” The other man turned to look over his shoulder. The gas mask scraped against his metal shoulder pads.

“What should I call you?”

“Call me... Void Zero. Goodbye, Emerald Angel.”

Emerald Angel’s eyes widened and he began running towards Void Zero. “Wait a second!”

It was almost too late. Void Zero had already stepped into the portal, but Emerald Angel managed to grab the back of his cape, white gloved hand stark against the black fabric. The portal closed and Emerald Angel was sucked through, his hold on Void Zero’s cape not slackening.

They dropped onto a metal floor, Void Zero landing neatly with a click of his heels and Emerald Angel almost falling flat on his face. He caught himself just in time and grabbed Void Zero’s shoulders. Void Zero fought back, grappling at the other’s hands; Emerald Angel shoved Void Zero to the floor in a burst of strength and pinned him to the floor with his knees. Void Zero squirmed and scratched at the other man, but Emerald Angel managed to pin Void Zero’s hands over his head.

For a few seconds they sat there, panting. Emerald Angel’s hand rested on Void Zero’s chest. Emerald Angel looked into Void Zero’s dark, familiar eyes; their faces were only a few inches from each other.

“You...” Emerald Angel whispered. Void Zero shivered. “You’re Kaoru. Kaoru Myers.”

“Congratulations,” Void Zero - Kaoru - said breathlessly. He tried to squirm again, but Emerald Angel’s grip was unyielding. “Would you like a consolation prize with your correct guess?”

Emerald Angel scrabbled at the white mask covering his eyes and pulled it off, chest heaving. Kaoru made a choking noise. “Fi...del?”

“Yuki,” Fidel Moore, high school best friend of Kaoru Myers, breathed. He shakily let go of Yuki’s hands and cupped the gas mask in between his palms tenderly. “I’ve found you.”


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Wed Oct 20, 2021 12:40 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed this still doesn't have a second review and it's been in the green room for a bit, so I figured I'd bump it out!!

I really enjoyed this piece! I think you've got a really masterful storytelling voice; I'm not usually one for superhero stuff like this, but I do really love twisty endings, and yours was executed wonderfully!

One thing I really enjoyed about this story was how much it was carried by dialogue. I think that was a great choice on your part, especially because your character voices were so distinct. I loved that cocky-yet-mysterious attitude Void Zero had throughout the piece, and how you used dialogue to foreshadow the twist at the end. It really worked nicely to make that "oohhhhh" moment at the end all the more brilliant. Nice work!!

One thing I did feel could be a little better was that it was a bit unclear to follow at some parts. I wasn't entirely sure who was there and who wasn't, and since three of your characters have "Flash" as their "last name," it's kind of hard to tell them apart sometimes. It was a bit hard to keep track of sometimes, and then at the end, where you changed the names you referred to the people as... I feel like if you chose unique names and stuck to them, it would make it a lot less confusing.

Specifics

Dim Flash laughed in their face. “You think that villains have any say in what we do?”


I think since "their" is plural here rather than the singular "their," it should be "faces" rather than "face." (Unless they have one conjoined face.)

“It’s been awhile since we’ve had a new contender on the field!”


I think "awhile" should be two words, "a while."

Besides—” He straightened himself. “—they are a part of the trade, and I will be taking them whether you like it or not.”


Generally, the accepted form of interrupting dialogue with dashes is to put them outside the quotes. "He straightened himself" should also be part of the same sentence.

Overall: nice work!! I loved that twist, and the dialogue helped carry the story throughout! I hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!




zaminami says...


thank you so much!! i didnt see the review notif somehow lol sorry for not replying earlier! i will keep those in mind <3



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Sun Sep 26, 2021 8:15 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...so this was actually a pretty satisfying story here. I really love the plot that you have here, its a really neat story and it puts a smile on your face at the end there. I especially adored how this ended here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Woah, score!” Bright Flash shouted to his two companions. “Come here, dudes! We found a few villains over here! Probably some minions, they look conked out!”

The minions in question were two scrawny men cowering in a corner holding onto each other. They put their hands up in unison and gestured to the police officers across the street. “We-we already surrendered to the police, we sw-swear!” one of them babbled. “You-you don’t have to do anything to us, pl-please. We already surren-”


Okay...well, I'm gonna assume those are maybe some kind of code names for these folks here...I'm getting a slightly superheroey vibe from those names...although I guess they could still be names. Its just I think the whole villain, minion talk that makes me think that way. Aaand, umm, well let's see so far we've got two minions surrendering and looking terrified of these two here. That sounds almost like they expect some rough treatment here...and that makes for a intriguing start here.

Dim Flash laughed in their face. “You think that villains have any say in what we do?”

Dark Flash hopped behind them and kicked the one on the left in his back, forcing him to the ground. He put his heavy boot on the minion’s neck and left it there. The minion began sobbing out loud, scrabbling at the ground to get away, but Dark Flash kept him still with his boot.


Yeah, that escalated wayy quicker than I thought it was going, but it do exactly where I was expecting to. Now the whole variations of the name Flash is very interesting, it sounds almost like a trio of "heroes" here that go around exacting what they think is justice, but from this part you can tell they think of villains as some kind of monster almost with that line of dialogue earlier and then the clearly rather horrifying actions happening here.

Dim Flash grabbed the other’s hair, bringing his head to his knee with a sickening crack. He lifted the minion back up, blood dribbling from his now broken nose, and grinned. “You revoked any rights you had the moment you chose villainy. How do we know you’re not acting, huh? You’re dangerous criminals!”

They tossed the villains around a few more times, the police across the street turning away while the minions cried for help. The Triple Flash, as the hero group called themselves, only stopped beating up the minions when they heard a warping noise behind them.


Ahh, well so they are a group of heroes of sorts, ones that clearly have no real honor there, judging by their treatment of people that have very clearly surrendered and are presenting no threat at all. Hmm, so far its a slightly odd pace, we had a more drawn out start with some fear being shown and now it kind of just went into summary mode with the injuries going from being detailed to it showing they were kicked around for some ties. The police detail there is actually good, but I feel like fading the details of the beating out till this warping noise and returning back to the characters in focus is a weird transition there if you get what I mean.

I feel like it would be better to just having the fight in focus with the injuries and have them be interrupted while their still in the main focus rather than going to a generic sentence to show time passing. I feel like that would maintain the starting intensity of the scene a little better than this current thing you've got here.

The group turned around. Dim Flash sneered. “Oh, who’s this?”

A man delicately stepped out of what looked like a black, circular portal and waved his gloved hand, adorned with rings and fake claws, making it disappear. He tilted his head, face covered by half of a black gas mask, Asian eyes crinkling in amusement. He said nothing, just walked towards them menacingly, black high heels clicking on the ground. The police trained their guns on him, and the Triple Flash lifted their fists in front of them. The man stopped and waved his hand in dismissal. “Don’t bother.” His voice was deep, but sounded warped, as if there was a voice modulator. “I’m only here to make a trade. There’s no fighting needed, I promise you.”


OKay..so we've got a mysterious dude in black...which is pretty standard, although this is a much more creative description that what I've run into before. This does sounds like things are about to get a bit more interesting, and I'm liking where this appears to be going.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve had a new contender on the field!” Bright Flash shouted in delight. “How are you going to fare against us, I wonder?”

“I’ll win.” The man left no room for argument. Bright Flash shivered under the gaze of the man’s eyes.

“What’s the trade?” a terrified police woman said. She kept her gun trained on him. “I’m telling you right now, you can’t take our prisoners. We-”


Soo..this guy clearly seems to be very confident in his ability to control everyone present, and judging by the terror on the policewomen's face, either he's really good at acting this way, or he genuines commands some serious power...and I think of both of those would make for an awesome character.

“Oh? Your prisoners?” the man said with glee. He put his hands on his hips and leaned towards her. “I was under the impression that they were under my payroll, aren’t they not? In all fairness, doesn’t that make them mine? Besides—” He straightened himself. “—they are a part of the trade, and I will be taking them whether you like it or not.”

Behind the heroes, the minions grinned hysterically.

“There’s nothing that you can give us that will be worth it for them,” Dark Flash said. His eyes brimmed with confidence. “They got captured, which makes them ours!”


Soo..this seems to imply this Triple Flash team is kinda of on this guy's payroll...I think, its a little unclear there about the exact things being tossed about here, but you can see that the man in the black mask is definitely winning and doing so pretty easily too. The members of the flash team here sounds almost a bit whiny here with their protests...I dunno if its just me, but that's the effect I get.

The man threw his head back and laughed. “Where are their handcuffs? All I see are cuts and bruises! In fact... this reminds me of a certain scene I saw a few years ago... oh yeah! Kaoru Myers.”

Each member of the Triple Flash stiffened, confidence dying out of their eyes. The man laughed at them again. “Oh, do you know the kid? He was tortured for years! Three bullies had targeted him, sound familiar? Every day, he would come home with a new bruise while his mother fussed over him and his father slept with other women! He had barely any solace; anything he found was taken away from him.” The man began pacing back and forth, gesturing with his hands. “The diary? Found out about, stolen, and read to everyone. The sketchbook? Found out about, stolen, ripped into the trash. The game console his mother bought him? Found out about and stolen.” He pointed at Dim Flash. “In fact, it was you who broke into his house for the game, wasn’t it, Cameron? Do you still have it?”

Dim Flash, also known as Cameron, opened his mouth to retaliate, but no sound came out of his mouth.


Okay...I'm not terribly sure how he's connecting this case of the kid to this current situation..but this does sound like he's about to bust out some potential blackmail material to get the three heroes to cave here...judging by that goldfish reaction by Cameron. I'm so far loving the absolute confidence being demonstrated by this man here.

“That’s what I thought! And you!” He pointed his finger at Dark Flash. “Cute hero name, Aaron! Where did you get it? Oh yeah; it was from the short story that Kaoru wrote for a contest that you stole and successfully accused him of plagiarism! The hero, Dark Flash. It was a catchy name at the time, wasn’t it?”

“Who do you think you are?” Dark Flash - Aaron - angrily demanded, fists clenched so much that the white of his knuckles was clearly seen. “I don’t know how you found out about our identities, but this slander is inexcusable!”


Hmm..so Aaron responds even worse than Cameron does, he's pretty much confirming that everything this man said is true and that he doesn't really have anything to fight back with. You can tell this guy is getting to them in places that hurt quite a bit. Now I can't wait to see how he demolished the third guy, I have a feeling the worst has been saved for last.

“It’s not slander if it’s the truth,” the man pointed out, delight infecting every inflection of his voice. “And how about Carter, hm? He was the most tame of your group! At least, until he found that Kaoru was - how did you phrase it again? - a ‘dirty queer.’ Then, he got creative. He was the one who came up with cutting into the crotch of Yuki’s jeans while he was still in them, right? You threatened him to not move lest you ‘cut his balls off’…. which was very clever, I must admit.”


Yup...that's definitely the worst of the lot...this man picked his reveals quite well here...although now it should be interesting to see the third, and the one I assume is the leader's reaction to that particular accusation.

Carter, hero alias Bright Flash, rushed towards the man with a roar. The man summoned a portal in front of him and dropped Bright Flash behind him, a few feet up. “Cute,” he laughed, dodging a roundhouse kick from Dark Flash. The Triple Flash all attacked him in tandem, but the man dodged all of it, yelling taunts the entire time.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

The police’s bullets flew harmlessly into portals the man made almost absentmindedly, which were redirected to the front of the police car tires. The police could only watch in horror as several of their tires were punctured with the bullets, rendering their vehicles almost useless.


Hmm..this fight scene is...not bad, but its got a few issues.

I love the start, very spontaneous, you've had some low anger building up person by person and the sudden release of tension with Carter trying to rush the man makes for a good start. The flow then continues alright, till the kick happens then it kind of goes into "meh" mode.

There's no real fight scene show that way, it comes across almost a little lazy to simply sum it up as "they attacked in tandem and he dodged while yelling taunts". We need to see a few taunts, we need to see these attacks and dodges happening...or it just makes it feel distant and unimportant. These are four main characters having a confrontation as the main focus of the scene, but yet with that line it sounds rushed and it feels like an unimportant conflict between a sidekick and a faceless horde that the camera pans towards ever so often.

Then the pacing actually improves nicely. There's the surprise shooting by the police, which is a new direction for the fight to take and then the man uses that to gain a significant advantage and you can feel a clear winner starting to emerge. That part was described really nicely. So...yeah, I mostly have an issue with that center portion there. Well, let's see how you end it here.

The man practically skipped towards the happily waiting minions, who grabbed onto one of each of his arms. “Duck,” he instructed them. The minions complied, barely dodging a wayward fist.

“Your determination matches that of a book protagonist, but...” The man kicked his foot directly into the diaphragm of Dark Flash, sending him wheezing onto the ground. “You all need much more practice before you can beat me.” He caught Dim Flash’s fist and kicked him in the crotch, then threw him straight into Bright Flash. The minions held on for dear life.


Ahh...yes..more of this...this is what we needed in that earlier part I mentioned. Here this closing of the fight is done rather well. You can see the power shift to the man in the black mask, who then grabs the ones he came here for, and delivers very final sounding blows to the three "heroes". Its a good ending :D

The man turned around. “You know, if you had taken my offer for a trade, you could have gotten something so much more valuable than bottom-feeding minions.” He waved his hand and a portal appeared in front of them. He stepped towards it when:

“Hey! Stop!”

The man turned back around. “Oh?”


OOoh...some parting words..and we have a twist, the second time this has happened in the story...and I think it works good this time too, let's see what's going to happen here.

Emerald Angel - the #2 hero, renowned around the world for stopping villains before they could do any real damage - stood in front of the police, heels shoulder-width apart, brown hands on his hips. “Who are you, and what do you want to do with Triple Flash?” His eyes squinted at the mysterious man.

The man in question laughed. “If you must know, I offered to trade extremely valuable information for these minions I have on my arms. No fighting needed. They were the ones who had attacked me. I had nothing to do with it!”


This could be just me but saying "#2 here" makes it sounds a bit awkward, like you're announcing something in a video game. "Now choosing #2 in the rankings, Emerald..." I think you get what I mean. Otherwise this appearance and explanation by the man comes across quite well here.

“You slandered us with baseless accusations,” Dim Flash pointed out, still holding at his crotch. “You said that we bullied a man named Kaoru, to the point where I apparently broke into his house to steal a game console. That’s blatantly false.”

“Kaoru?” Emerald Angel whispered to himself.

“Is it? Take your masks off right now, then,” the man retorted angrily. “And prove it.”

None of the Triple Flashes moved.


Well...looks like they're well and truly stuck there...they're not getting out of that one just because this fancy new hero swoops in...and it looks like said fancy new hero at least knows what has happened or is believing the case that the man made here.

“We-we can’t,” Dark Flash said. “It’s against hero code.”

“I don’t much care,” the man snapped. “If I recall, that rule doesn’t apply when the other party has due cause. You could even take it off in private if you’d like, only in the company of me and Emerald Angel, yeah? I already know who you are anyway.”

“If we do that, will you leave them alone?” Emerald Angel spoke up. The Triple Flashes all whipped their heads to him in unison, eyes pleading for him to not agree.

“Yes,” the man said. “All I want is for them to pay for their crimes.”

“That seems fair.”


"I don't much care" sounds a bit off to me. I feel like that needs a bit of a rephrase there. Otherwise, it looks like Emerald Angle here is protective of this three but at least somewhat fair when it comes to things so he's gone ahead and agreed to what seems like the most fair cause of action to take there.

“Thank you very much.” He maneuvered out of the minions’ grips and pushed them towards the portal. Once they stepped in, he walked towards the Triple Flashes, cape sweeping behind him dramatically.

Dark Flash bolted, and the other two followed not long after.


Hmm, well, that went like I expected that to go...the trio just running off and well, I suppose now if we needed any more confirmation that they did in fact commit everything they were accused, we've got it now.

The two men watched them go. Emerald Angel ducked his head in an imitation of a bow.

“I will investigate them properly later,” he promised.

“I know,” the mysterious man grunted. “You are one of the few heroes that I’d trust.”

Emerald Angel whipped his head up, but the mysterious man began walking towards the portal he had thrown the minions in. “Wh- wait.”


Hmm...that was a surprisingly wholesome moment in the middle of all the general chaos going on...that was not the sort of ending I was expecting to see given how things started, but I can say I'm loving the direction this ending is going in so far.

“Hm?” The other man turned to look over his shoulder. The gas mask scraped against his metal shoulder pads.

“What should I call you?”

“Call me... Void Zero. Goodbye, Emerald Angel.”

Emerald Angel’s eyes widened and he began running towards Void Zero. “Wait a second!”

It was almost too late. Void Zero had already stepped into the portal, but Emerald Angel managed to grab the back of his cape, white gloved hand stark against the black fabric. The portal closed and Emerald Angel was sucked through, his hold on Void Zero’s cape not slackening.


Ooooh....well, a little bit of a third twist there, and considering how close we are the end of this, I'm curious to see where this one might be going at the moment. I feel like Emerald Angel somehow picked up something in the name Void Zero or at least recognized something in the voice. The whole trust statement really seemed to shake this person...and it did sound like something one would only say if there was a history of some sort there.

They dropped onto a metal floor, Void Zero landing neatly with a click of his heels and Emerald Angel almost falling flat on his face. He caught himself just in time and grabbed Void Zero’s shoulders. Void Zero fought back, grappling at the other’s hands; Emerald Angel shoved Void Zero to the floor in a burst of strength and pinned him to the floor with his knees. Void Zero squirmed and scratched at the other man, but Emerald Angel managed to pin Void Zero’s hands over his head.

For a few seconds they sat there, panting. Emerald Angel’s hand rested on Void Zero’s chest. Emerald Angel looked into Void Zero’s dark, familiar eyes; their faces were only a few inches from each other.


That seems like a bit of a strong approach there...although I get the feeling these two aren't really fighting out of any malicious intent. This seems like Void Zero just kind of trying to run away while Emerald here has something he wants to say before the man runs off but doesn't quite think said man will listen unless he restrains him somehow.

“You...” Emerald Angel whispered. Void Zero shivered. “You’re Kaoru. Kaoru Myers.”

“Congratulations,” Void Zero - Kaoru - said breathlessly. He tried to squirm again, but Emerald Angel’s grip was unyielding. “Would you like a consolation prize with your correct guess?”

Emerald Angel scrabbled at the white mask covering his eyes and pulled it off, chest heaving. Kaoru made a choking noise. “Fi...del?”

“Yuki,” Fidel Moore, high school best friend of Kaoru Myers, breathed. He shakily let go of Yuki’s hands and cupped the gas mask in between his palms tenderly. “I’ve found you.”


Ooohh...well, I was definitely not expecting that particular twist...or for the ending to be quite this wholesome, but I adore this sweet moment to end on. Just two...friends..or more like best friends or even more...judging by the depth of that reaction, managing to find each other and it makes for a lovely way to cap of this story which started out on quite a bit of darkness.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a good piece. The only place where it feels like it needs a bit of improvement are these two fight scenes, the ending of the first one and the middle are of the second one are both lacking in detail somewhat, but yeah I already talked about those in detail above. So yeah, I'll end off by saying, I wasn't expecting this to be quite this awesome considering the start and all the warnings, but I loved it..and it was soo much sweeter than I thought it was going to be. I think this makes for a wonderful piece here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




zaminami says...


Thank you so much!! %uD83D%uDE4F%uD83D%uDE4F

I was pretty well aware that the pacing was a little iffy so thanks for the recommendations!! I%u2019m glad that you picked up on the romantic intent there, I wasn%u2019t sure if it would come across correctly. It was really helpful, thanks so much!



zaminami says...


wow i dont know why my thanks emoji turned out that way but that was supposed to be a thanks emoji



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! :D That happens sometimes, no idea why though.




Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud