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Young Writers Society



Death Wish

by Brian, Nate


"Copy that!" Troy yelled over the comm system in response to his wingman.

The captain interrupted. Okay Gamma group, prepare for some alien butt!

The four ships in Gamma were close together, only 5 meters apart from one another, and all waited anxiously for the incoming onslaught.

He saw them first as only orange blimps on the radar, but soon enough, they seemingly appeared to materialize before him. They were only 100 klicks away, each one gray and black, just like his own. Yet, they looked more formidable, as if they were wild beasts waiting for the right time to pounce on the prey.

He could see their pilots, not physically, but mentally. He saw their brown fur waving in excitement, their eyes menacing, and their mouths snarling. He could see their muscles writhing, impatient for action. They would be drooling, their tongues hanging disgustingly over their sharp, bloody teeth.

And they were watching him.

Suddenly, he felt fear. Today he could die. He could be blown to smithereens, just another pile of ashes to be burned up in Earth s atmosphere.

Earth. It was merely a pale blue dot behind him, but it was what he would be defending. This was the last defense.

Hold positions, the captain said slowly, yet there was a tremor of apprehension in his voice.

Suddenly, Amber came over the intercom. There s... too many of them. I, I don t know about this. The words came out in starts and stops.

She was right. Troy saw more and more of them on his radar. Soon, thousands of them flooded it. He could already see the first line being raked by laser fire. Explosions happened simultaneously in hundreds of spots at once, and they continued without hesitation. Bits of shrapnel went flying past his cockpit, a human arm, torn off from its body, was still moving in space. The blood, trickling out slowly, released itself from the appendage in small globs.

Where the hell was the first fleet? he asked, rhetorically. He already knew the answer, they were destroyed. The carriers, the starships, the fighters, all gone. Over two hundred thousand souls lost forever. It was a surprise attack, and ended in a massacre.

But the captain did not take the question idly. Listen here Troy, they did their job and we will do ours.

Abruptly, the explosions stopped, and he knew they were up next. It was as if it were a baseball game. The first line scored an out, and now the second line was up at bat. He turned on the afterburners and rushed himself toward home-plate.

Amber came over the comm. There s... just too- Her voice was cut off, replaced by static. Looking to his left, he saw her ship explode into a collage of yellow flames and red shrapnel. He turned his own evasively to the right so as to not be struck by any of the remnants.

No time to mourn now.

The battle had begun in earnest. With the first line completely gone, the flagship Olympus ordered all lines of defense to attack the enemy. Troy watched briefly while he saw the starships move into the line of fire. They were hundreds of them, ranging from mere Carriers to the huge Star Cruisers. Each class had its own unique shape, which varied according to its use in battle. The medical and repair ships would stay behind the line, seemingly safe from danger.

Fighters, thousands of them, both friendly and unfriendly, were also dashing wildly, avoiding the red lasers going back and forth in an orgy of gunfire.

All around, he saw fighters blow up in groups of ones, twos, threes, and fours. Gamma was down to two, some were completely decimated.

But he took a deep breath. He once vowed to protect the Republic at all costs, and this was no time to contemplate by how much they were losing. He had to concentrate on what was at stake: liberty. The game was not over yet; it had only begun.

Banking to the right, he brought the Hycathian war-birds into full view. He disregarded the images of snarling beasts from his mind, and focused solely on the mission at hand.

With a cold, sly grin, he brought one into focus. Maneuvering the ship from starboard to portside and back again to portside, he slowly brought it into full focus, and let go a pounding rain of laser fire.

Almost instantaneously, the war-bird turned into an object of hellish destruction, and, just as sudden, it was no more.

Grinning to himself, and inwardly ebullient, he let go with another round of fire, taking out another two of the enemy.

Seeing a red, blinking light in the corner of his eye, he switched on the comm system. A distress message from the flagship filtered in. All available fighters to the Olympus! We are under heavy attack! Repeat, we are under heavy attack! Shields are rapidly decreasing! We need aid immediately!

He brought the fighter to aft and turned the engines to full blast, making his way as quickly as possible to the endangered starship. Darting past debris, asteroids, and human body parts, he was at the Olympus in little time.

Three Hycathian gunships were attacking her relentlessly. Despite the Olympus letting go a torrent of torpedoes, they would not leave, at least quietly. His sensors indicated they were at 30%, 25%, and 50% shield capacity respectively. But the Olympus was only at 10%, and her hull was coming apart in sections.

Flying past one destroyed fighter, he made his way to the least crippled gunship.

Once he was within 30 km of range, he fired all torpedoes at it. Pulling up, he safely pulled his own fighter into safety.

After deciding he had gone far enough, he made a turnabout and went for the gunship once again. It was only at 30% shields now. O Conner, he shouted to his wingman, Cover me!

Aye, came the curt reply.

Without warning, he saw the turret on the gunship turn toward him. At that second, he was looking down the barrel of a cannon. And, for a moment, everything slowed down as seconds stretched out into days. He could feel it in his body. This was his end. Oh man , he said, the words forming slowly.

Then, snapping himself out of it, and thinking quickly, he made a series of evasive maneuvers. He pulled up hard on the stick, then put the small ship into a dive. It helped some, but a few of the lasers hit him straight on.

With each blast, he felt his fighter shake violently. Consoles exploded into a flurry of sparks, and his hull became charred. Loose wires hung only centimeters away from his face, threatening to kill him with the slightest touch. Sparks jumped out from it and onto his black jumpsuit.

Computer! Damage report!

The voice that came back was feminine and calm. Engines: 10% damaged, Hull: 50% damage, Navigation: 80% damage, Tatical: 63% damage, Attack Systems: 37% damage.

Shields? he cried, as yet another volley of laser fire hit him, but this time from a war-bird.

Functioning at 8% of total capacity.

He couldn t help himself. Jesus christ! One more blast from that gunship, and he would be gone. Just another pilot giving up his life in the name of the Republic.

He calmed himself down, taking deep breaths in and out. Okay, computer get shields working at full capacity as soon as possible. Engines are second priority, attack is third.

Complying, came the simple response.

He sighed, relaxing a little. Looking at the Olympus statistics, though, quickly made him tense again. Swearing under his breath, he saw the Olympus was only at 3% shields, and would soon be relying on its hull only. It had 3 minutes, five minutes max.

Looking out the cockpit, he saw all three gunships still there. If one could be taken out, it would buy the Olympus a few more minutes. Perhaps it would be enough for more fighters to get here.

Repeating his order from earlier to O Conner, he dashed his way toward the weakest of the three.

Seeing the ship rapidly growing larger in view, he slowly powered down the engines. With animal instinct in his eye, he let loose on the guns.

All of a sudden he didn t care. He kept on going straight toward it, as if he were possessed by some demon, some ghost. He would be a goner soon anyway, and it would better to go out in a blaze of glory. It was his death wish.

He watched as the gunship slowly began to completely fill the view of his cockpit. He saw the figures inside, their faces scared and afraid. He watched as they frantically ran about, unable to do anything.

And he watched as they merely stared at him, knowing they would die soon. Considering the state of the gunship, a collision with a fighter would destroy it.

He was only ten meters away when it happened. First it was only the place at which he was shooting at. Almost miraculously, a small explosion appeared, then bigger and bigger ones erupted. He saw the engines blow up, and he saw the gunship go down, taking its crew with it.

He sighed inwardly, and allowed his eyes to blink for a moment. The Olympus would have a few more minutes, maybe enough to destroy the other two.

But that was not for him to worry about, though. His fighter was almost beyond repair, and his only choice was to fly to the repair ship Plymouth. He would be transferred to another, and placed back into battle within moments.

For now, though, he savored the exhilaration of the moment.

He was placed back into the war within seconds of landing on the Plymouth. His wingman was gone, three-fourths of all fighters were destroyed, and the battle certainly was not in favor of the human forces.

Looking above and to the left of him, he watched as more gunships surrounded the Olympus. He immediately went to help.

But his hurry was for nothing. The Olympus was destroyed just as he arrived. The last transmission came out in garble: Ol break ..di-

The battle was lost. The war was lost.

He headed off to watch from afar as the final ships were destroyed in quick succession. Explosions first came in the tens, but dwindled down until only one was visible every minute.

He watched as the assault ships headed for Earth. Everything was lost.


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Tue Jan 17, 2023 11:03 pm
HalfheartedAmateur wrote a review...



Note:
Congratulations on being the first written work on Young Writer's Society! That is majorly impressive. Kudos to you for taking the first step and publishing this short story. Although I'm not a fan of science fiction, I review this assuming you know what you would revise and improve upon because it's been quite a while.

Review:
I think your descriptiveness provided cool imagery and the story itself is interesting. I only skimmed through this written work and identified numerous punctuation and grammar mistakes that I'm certain by now that you know of. For instance, dialogue - you need to put quotation marks around the words the character is speaking. Also, some of the words that needed apostrophes had a space between the word itself and the s added to it. Overall, not bad at all. Brief yet in-depth detail alongside an intriguing content. Nice work.

- Lil, aka HalfheartedAmateur




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:53 pm
ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



G'day! Tis the Chirave Canicthus here to review your work!
The first published Short Story that's still up. I commend you for that, writer person.

This thing is wonderfully descriptive. I love how your main character breeze through with new tactics, trying to get away from the attack, or at least fight back. He was cool-headed and was totally ready for everything. But he still lost. THat was kinda saddening, but this is a story. I just really liked it, I guess.

One of my favourite parts about it was when you had the simple line: "The battle was lost. The war was lost." It's a very powerful line and when I see it, I can't help but feel really bad for the main character. It's not like he's dead when his ship gets wrecked, so he's forced to just watch the results of his failure. And it's not a fail like, "I dropped the cookie jar," It's a fail like, "I let the enemy do who knows what to my home planet."

In that case, if by some miracle he lives, I think it'd be really funny just to have him wonder what his leading captain would say. Unless he's the highest ranking individual in the fleet, but I'd doubt that.

I didn't really like how the damage was measured by percentages. I think it's really impractical as the parts that have been 90% damaged shouldn't be able to send that signal to say that it's 90% damaged. Maybe you should just have "low-functioning," or maybe something more specific, like "on fire." That would give the pilot more options on what to do. Just to say. :)

Overall, this was pretty cool. Aerial battles are nice to read, and this one was no exception. Well, either ways,
See you!
*Chiravian flies away*




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Wed Aug 06, 2014 10:38 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Brian, hullo! Nice to meet you, wisegirl22 is definitely a good reviewer. Tell Nate hi.

The first thing I noted was this. I think you should quotation marks before this question, since someone is asking this. Or so I think.

"Okay Gamma group, prepare for some alien butt!"

And I also think you should put an apostrophe in "Earth s". And don't capitalize the e.

"...just another pile of ashes to be burned up in Earth s atmosphere."

First, same thing as last time, second, please put ellipsis after "I". Th second one is optional. Oh, I almost forgot, put quotation marks after "this".

"There s... too many of them. I, I don t know about this. The words came out in starts and stops."

I trust you will fix the apostrophes to come. This was great, with a sad ending, and it was the best sci-fi ever! Take my word, please.

-wisegirl22




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Thu Feb 06, 2014 12:12 am
Cheetah says...



Is this seriously the first literary work posted on YWS? :O






Yeah I know!



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:47 pm
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sockmonkey wrote a review...



This was a great story but there were multiple errors,He saw them first as only orange blimps on the radar, but soon enough, they seemingly appeared to materialize before him. They were only 100 klicks away, each one gray and black, just like his own. Yet, they looked more formidable, as if they were wild beasts waiting for the right time to pounce on the prey.It should be clicks not klicks and blips not blimps.The captain interrupted. Okay Gamma group, prepare for some alien butt!As previously said that sounds like alien prostitution.I felt like we we were thrown into the story to quickly without an explanation of what was going on but at least you have a good en dig.By the way congratulations on this being the first work on the yws.Keep up the good work sincerely,sockmonkey.




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:31 pm
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BradenPowell wrote a review...



Something that I noticed early on is the obvious lack of quotation marks. I don't know if this id deliberate or not, but it was a bit confusing.

"Okay Gamma group, prepare for some alien butt!"

This sounded like an offer to buy Gamma group some alien prostitutes.

"He saw them first as only orange blimps on the radar"

Traditionally it's orage blips, not blimps.

"He could see their pilots, not physically, but mentally. He saw their brown fur waving in excitement, their eyes menacing, and their mouths snarling. He could see their muscles writhing, impatient for action. They would be drooling, their tongues hanging disgustingly over their sharp, bloody teeth."
I really liked this description.

"The blood, trickling out slowly, released itself from the appendage in small globs."
Again this is really nice imagery. I've noticed that you're quite good at descriptions.

This was a great story!




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Thu Jun 07, 2012 6:33 am
Threnody wrote a review...



I really loved this script! You successfully freaked me out with Malisa's dialogue and I became really interested with the story. I just have a few comments.

1. I think one of the reasons why your classmates were confused about this was because Malisa and Alia's relationship was not clearly defined in the dialogue. The readers and the listeners are never really sure exactly what kind of character Alia is, what her story is, why she's so dedicated to visiting Malisa...etc. Alia has been set up as one of the key characters, the one who supposedly helps us understand the action, and she does not reveal much of anything to expand and elaborate upon the other dialogue. Her dialogue is usually pretty stiff and uniform and does not allow us to view her as a unique character.

In fact, I think the only character who really had an outstanding personality was Malisa, the crazy one, which means that every other piece of dialogue was simply supplementary to hers. This is never good as it does not round out the script and sort of focuses the interest on one character who simply cannot bear that weight. My suggestion is to broaden all of the character's personalities through their dialogue and through the blocking notes. This will clarify and intensify the plot and give your script a deeper and more fascinating scope.

2. I also feel like another source of confusion could be that the end was very abrupt. You used many different references to Greek Mythology, but never followed through on how they related to your script. Also, Greek Mythology + Aliens = weird and confusing. I think you were trying to fit too many dimensions of this situation into too short a play or your play was simply not long enough to accommodate everything you wanted to bring up. It's difficult for a reader to enjoy a play that is this vague and up to interpretation. It would be helpful to include in the dialogue more information about what is going on. It's important to keep in mind how readers or viewers are going to interpret your play.

In all, I think the idea was really interesting but I wanted more in the way of detail, characterisation and execution. It really captured my attention and it was extremely well paced and entertaining.

Threnody




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Thu Jun 07, 2012 6:32 am
Threnody wrote a review...



I really loved this script! You successfully freaked me out with Malisa's dialogue and I became really interested with the story. I just have a few comments.

1. I think one of the reasons why your classmates were confused about this was because Malisa and Alia's relationship was not clearly defined in the dialogue. The readers and the listeners are never really sure exactly what kind of character Alia is, what her story is, why she's so dedicated to visiting Malisa...etc. Alia has been set up as one of the key characters, the one who supposedly helps us understand the action, and she does not reveal much of anything to expand and elaborate upon the other dialogue. Her dialogue is usually pretty stiff and uniform and does not allow us to view her as a unique character.

In fact, I think the only character who really had an outstanding personality was Malisa, the crazy one, which means that every other piece of dialogue was simply supplementary to hers. This is never good as it does not round out the script and sort of focuses the interest on one character who simply cannot bear that weight. My suggestion is to broaden all of the character's personalities through their dialogue and through the blocking notes. This will clarify and intensify the plot and give your script a deeper and more fascinating scope.

2. I also feel like another source of confusion could be that the end was very abrupt. You used many different references to Greek Mythology, but never followed through on how they related to your script. Also, Greek Mythology + Aliens = weird and confusing. I think you were trying to fit too many dimensions of this situation into too short a play or your play was simply not long enough to accommodate everything you wanted to bring up. It's difficult for a reader to enjoy a play that is this vague and up to interpretation. It would be helpful to include in the dialogue more information about what is going on. It's important to keep in mind how readers or viewers are going to interpret your play.

In all, I think the idea was really interesting but I wanted more in the way of detail, characterisation and execution. It really captured my attention and it was extremely well paced and entertaining.

Threnody




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Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:39 pm
Deifyance wrote a review...



Awesome Job! A few things I noticed:

The captain interrupted. Okay Gamma group, prepare for some alien butt!


Prepare for some alien butt!... I'm guessing to kick some alien butt? (just thought that was kinda funny) :)

Once he was within 30 km of range, he fired all torpedoes at it. Pulling up, he safely pulled his own fighter into safety.


The safety line is a little choppy, I would recommend wording it different.

I loved the concept, and I liked how they actually lost. Most sci-fi's are like classic action movies: good guy gets in trouble, good guy gets in fight with bad guy, good guy wins, the end. I liked the break away with the actual losing of the fight.

I like your style of writing, I would suggest a tad bit more of imagery of the location, imagery of the characters and objects were good but more of the location and scene would be an awesome touch to your work.




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Thu Feb 24, 2011 1:00 am
InspiredLight says...



I loved this (:




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Fri Feb 25, 2005 11:46 pm
Green Monkey wrote a review...



very good sci-fi. I am currently working on my own piece.

"Without warning, he saw the turret on the gunship turn toward him. At that second, he was looking down the barrel of a cannon. And, for a moment, everything slowed down as seconds stretched out into days. He could feel it in his body. This was his end. Oh man , he said, the words forming slowly. "

I can soooooo picture that! its so great! :)




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Wed Feb 23, 2005 10:34 pm
PsyLynx wrote a review...



as a fellow sci-fi writer, I feel obligated to tell you a few things which I've learned.

First off, one klick (if that is how it's spelled, I honestly don't know) is one kilometer. Were you aware how far away you were having the bad guys be?

Secondly, the arm that floats by, with the blood, is way wrong. Blood in space doesn't slowly leak; it rushes and then turns to vapor and leaves, doing so extremely quickly. And if the arm had been blown off of someone, chances are that it would be going too quickly for the person in the cockpit to see it, or at least do more than identify it.

I really didn't read much more than that. What I read was a little bit on the young-writer side, and I can see that you will grow up more, but you remind me of a young me, and I like the me from back then. Keep writing!




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Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:26 pm
WinterGrimm wrote a review...



I want to go through this story with a finer toothed comb at some point because like other people have said there are some good things in here. I have a few doozy problems with the story, first of all I'm thrown off by the lack of quotation in the dialog. Second is all the techno babble and very little showing. And thirdly, this is every Star Wars/Wing Commander/Space Opera dog fight scene ever. It feels as though I've read this before. It would be wonderful to see, smell, hear what its like to be in that cockpit of this fighter. Even though there shouldn't be sound outside because there's no sound in space. Right now it feels very video gamey and I think that fi you work on it you can take this to a whole new level. I'd suggest trying to put yourself where you character is instead of being behind a computer joystick. But if I'm being to critical feel free to ignore my critique. I'm just trying to help out if you want to be as good as you have the potential to be.

One other thing I did like is that you captured the thrill of what he is doing rather well. Work on that and get into his head as deep as you can and make this scene come to life. I know you can do it! And if you have any questions, or want to tell me to go to hell feel free to drop me a private message or IM me, or even send me an email. I have a few years of writing experience and I want to share it with this site and as many people as I can.




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Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:19 am
iced.cappuchino wrote a review...



All of a sudden he didn t care. He kept on going straight toward it, as if he were possessed by some demon, some ghost. He would be a goner soon anyway, and it would better to go out in a blaze of glory. It was his death wish.


I loved that line. ^^ I don't why I do, but I think that it illustrates the desperation of the battle very well. The sense of hopelessness and, er, shall we say "blind faith" in The Cause is nicely conveyed.

Good job. :)




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Wed Nov 17, 2004 12:54 am



Reminds me a lot of Robot Dreams...I dont know why...




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Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:44 am



Really good, Brian. Kudos to you. When I find my SF story the first thing I am doing is posting it here.





You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid