z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

long drive (part 1)

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Soft winds caressed Shun’s face as he stuck his thumb out in a hitch-hiker's position. He shifted his feet, the dirt crunching beneath his feet. It had long since passed the time of year when grass would grow on the side of the highway - instead, it was replaced by the rough ground that always seemed to accompany winter. The trees and branches creaked behind him. Shun huffed with impatience and fingered the Swiss Army Knife in his pocket with his free hand, tracing the metal ridges of the knife and screwdriver implements. He licked his lips.

The road was deserted; people didn't tend to travel on cold days such as this one. It was the type of cold that would seep into clothes, bones, car, and upholstery - one would be feeling that cold long into the summer, when they have the windows open, but are puzzled as to how the leather behind and beneath them are bone-chilling when outside was 32 degrees out.

To Shun, it was eons until he heard the tell-tale sound of a car cruising down the highway, even if it was only a few minutes. He stretched his arm out - despite being roughly 160 cm tall (and is not 159 cm, thank you), he could lean out pretty far onto the road if he needed to. The car came into view. It was a welcome sight in the midst of bleak winter.

Shun might have not known too much about cars, but even he could appreciate the shiny, European-model truck in front of him. He would have guessed that it was new, if the tires weren't slightly worn out and if there wasn't a well-used tarp firmly strapped down to the back. It's either a rich person, and it's my lucky day, or it's a hand-me-down to a rich teenager, which is still a lucky day, Shun thought as the vehicle came to a stop in front of him. He dropped his hand and fidgeted with his scarf, which at some point had come undone and was dragging through the skeletons of grass behind him.

The person rolled the frost-tinted window down and a young - though it was quite gruff-sounding, Shun realised with a shiver down his back - shouted from the car: “Well, unless you want to be sitting out in this goddamn weather, get in!” In his mind, Shun danced a nervous victory in his head; while he certainly didn’t sound like a rich kid, the genuine leather jacket and silver necklaces dancing from his neck implied that he was quite the spoiled, rich child indeed. He began to shuffle towards the door and put it on the handle, wincing as the sheer cold of the metal felt as if it was burning his skin off.

Yanking the car door open, Shun scrambled into the car quicker than necessary, welcoming the heater and the seats that had some fancy gimmick to keep out the cold. He sighed and closed the door, leaning back into the seat and glanced over at the driver.

The guy pulled onto the road and cracked his knuckles individually. A strand of hair fell from his purple ponytail, ending halfway down his neck. Scars, partially covered in makeup, decorated his face in an unnerving amount. Shun bit his lip nervously. Nendou needs money from me by sundown, he reminded himself. I have no choice.

“So, where’re you going?” the guy drawled, tucking the strand behind his ear and looking at Shun with pretty black eyes. He smiled and looked back at the road. “The name’s Kuboyasu Aren, by the way.”

“Kaidou Shun,” Shun said. No harm in telling Kuboyasu his name if he was gonna die anyway. “I’m going up to the next city to meet my friend. He hasn’t been doing well. He’s one of those recluses, you know? The ones who don’t get out of their house unless they absolutely have to?”

“God, yeah, I know the type,” Kuboyasu laughed. “I have a friend like that myself. Saiki likes to pretend that we’re still in the 2020 pandemic.” He fiddled with a chain on his rearview mirror with a suspiciously intricate flame symbol that Shun just couldn’t place.

He made a noncommittal noise and looked out the window, only nodding when Kuboyasu asked if music was okay. The fast beat of an anonymous Loudness song echoed through the truck. Shun looked over at the very focused driver, admiring the curve of his eyelashes and the sharpness of his jaw. In another life, another situation, he would have asked this man out in a heartbeat.

“You’re staring,” Kuboyasu said, laughter dancing in his eyes. “Like what you see?”

“Yeah, actually,” Shun bantered, leaning forward from his spot on the window ledge. He looked up at Kuboyasu through his eyelashes. He could work with this. “I don’t think you mind.”

“Nah, it’s flattering,” Kuboyasu said lightheartedly, punching Shun’s arm lightly and smiling crookedly. Was that a dimple? The song playing was about to end, signaling the time for Shun to take action.

The last beats faded out. Two heartbeats later, Shun found himself pointing a knife at Kuboyasu’s neck, who was reciprocating the action with a shiny pistol to the head. “Get out of the car,” they demanded at the same time.

Several more moments were wasted staring at each other dumbly. Kuboyasu had stopped the car in the middle of the road, discreetly putting the car in park. The starting notes of Angel Dust began to play; the tension between them could have been cut with a knife.

Kuboyasu broke the tension. “Bringing a knife to a gun fight? How shittily prepared of you.”

“To me it seems like you brought the gun to a knife fight,” Shun said back, gritting his teeth. The gun was pushed flush against his head. A small bead of blood dripped down from the small cut the knife made on Kuboyasu’s neck. Two seconds that felt like hours passed.

“Still the advantage, either way,” Kuboyasu said. His voice was completely calm, but a droplet of sweat ran down his face and disrupted his makeup despite the cool weather.

“Not if I’m faster.” Shun’s eyes felt strained. With horror, he realized that - even though it’s not as telltale as a sweat droplet - Kuboyasu saw it and knew that he was nervous too. “I’ve had guns pulled on me before; I’m still alive.”

The gun forced Shun’s eyes to tilt slightly downward. “Yeah, but you had gotten hurt. Pretty badly. That gunshot wound on your collarbone there indicates it, does it not?” Kuboyasu tilted Shun’s head back to its original position and moved closer to Shun’s face. He paid no mind to how the knife cut deeper in his throat.

The same crooked smile was on his face, his ponytail fallen apart. Purple strands of hair framed his handsome face and, suddenly, Shun recognized him.

“Mullet-Wearing Aren,” Shun breathed. The intricate flame was his ex gang symbol, wasn’t it? How could Shun have been so stupid? “The infamous hitchhiker killer.”

“And you’re the Jet Black Wings, infamous hitchhiking murderer, are you not?” Mullet-Wearing Aren retorted back, the grin still on his face. “Always uses a blue-handled Swiss Army knife etched with your alias and a tendency to attack after a song ends and before a new one begins.” Mullet-Wearing Aren was even closer, now, forcing Shun’s knife hand back closer to his face. “I also know that you don’t kill people unless you absolutely have to. I always kill them anyway.” His finger twitched on the trigger. Shun forced himself not to react.

Five more seconds have passed. Shun could feel Mullet-Wearing Aren’s breath on his face, smelling strongly of mint and slightly of strong coffee.

“I have a preposition,” Mullet-Wearing Aren said, finally. “How about you, and I…” He lowered his voice as if other people were around and tilted his body towards Shun. “Work together? I like you enough; you’re the type of person I can get along with. We have very similar styles of working, so we’re compatible.”

“What if I say no?” Shun challenged. He gained enough confidence to push against the gun and get closer to Mullet-Wearing Aren. They were almost nose-to-nose, now. God, Shun thought. I would kiss him if I didn’t need the money that badly.

“You’ll be the only man I’ve ever left alive,” Mullet-Wearing Aren swore. “You can’t go to the police anyway, since you’re also a wanted man, and you are very cute. I hate killing the cute people.”

“Can’t really say the same about you,” Shun joked. He paused for a second. “Are you serious? About letting me go?” He pulled the knife back just a little, and Mullet-Wearing Aren did the same with his gun. The muzzle gleamed in the sunlight.

“Of course I am. I might be a murderer, but I’m not a monster who doesn’t keep his promises,” Mullet-Wearing Aren said. “Again, it’s not as if you can go to the police.”

Shun removed his knife from Mullet-Wearing Aren’s neck, still holding it towards him, as he unlocked the car door and stepped out. Mullet-Wearing Aren took his gun and put it back in its hiding place between the seat and cup holders. He nodded towards Shun, who nodded back and shut the door. Mullet-Wearing Aren drove away, leaving Shun feeling like he missed something great.


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Fri Sep 25, 2020 11:43 am
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hi, Zami! I'm here for review. Its absolute adventure and it is very much full of action as you've categorized it. I love this story though I should have been aware of the violence warning, I still think it is a beautiful story. Anyways, without farther ado, Let us dive in!

Shun waited until Nendou was out of earshot before punching the wall, sweat droplets staining the ground and his eyes straining out of his sockets. “How did he know about that, damnit?”


You need a comma before "and". You should separate "damn" and "it".

As soon as Shun slipped off his shoes and his habitual “I’m home!” echoed through the house, his roommate raced down the stairs and greeted him with a hug. His Swiss Army knife, which was in his back pocket, was deftly stolen by Yumehara as she danced into the living room. “So, how was your day of definitely not doing mafia work?” She put her legs under the heated table and beckoned him to join her.


I think, "of" means "off".

Shun walked up to the bar besides the girl, nodded, and paid for her drink. He walked towards Toritsuka and the poor redhead who was politely telling him to leave her alone.


It's all pasted tense here, so I'll assume "besides" is "beside".

One of the gangsters - Dia was her code name, if Shun remembered correctly - was sending a video to Nendo. Shun had a gut feeling that Dia was ordered to record Toritsuka’s death.

You don't necessarily need a comma after "name".

“Says the person who lets his victims go sometimes,” Dia retorted, pressing send. She went into her camera app and deleted the video.
Shun didn’t grace her with an answer and threw on the jean jacket provided to him instead. Some of the gangsters tried to coerce him into wearing a bright pink belt. He refused and looked out the window.
His eyes widened as he waved at the driver. “Hey, Pep. Stop. We’re here.” The car screeched to a stop in front of a pig pen, where another car was waiting.


"pig pen" is one word. You should spell it "pigpen" or "pig-pen".

“Nah. I did that on my own.” Shun crouched over the body as well, taking the drugs out of Toritsuka’s pocket. “He was trying to use date rape drugs and harassed two girls in the span of 10 minutes. It was disgusting.” Shun spit on Toritsuka’s body. “Good riddance.”


"the span" is supposed to be "a span".

"spit" I think is supposed to be "spat", since all the words here is past tense. Or "spits".

Mullet-Wearing Aren’s eyes flashed with a dangerous anger before he sighed. “It’s a very good thing that you did a number on his ass before I got to him.”


"a" before danger could be a tad redundant when anger is a noun.

Shun stood up. “So, what’d the chick do?” Change the subject before he kills me change the subject before he kills me change the subject before he kills me. He gestured to the half-eaten Dea. “Why’d she get targeted?”
Mullet-Wearing Aren relaxed before saying: “I think she flirted with Hairo or something. She was repeating about how she didn’t know that ‘he’ was


The first "change" is " to change". The second is also "change" is "to change".

You should use commas when repeating something such as: "Change the subject before he kills me to change the subject before he kills me to, change the subject before he kills me."

Overall, this piece of the story is well written and it is very well expressed of violence and actions. This a piece of adventure that anyone will love.

Keep on writing!

Besh wishes
Chris
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zaminami says...


hi! i think you left a review on the wrong work lol i think this is meant for part two? i appreciate it anyway :)



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Sat Aug 29, 2020 5:08 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Zami! It's been way too long, hope you're well! Anyway, I'm here for a review to help clean out the Green Room and sharpen my RevMo skills, and your work caught my eye. Let's jump into it!

He stretched his arm out - despite being roughly 160 cm tall (and is not 159 cm, thank you), he could lean out pretty far onto the road if he needed to.
In all honesty, this was a bizarre detail to include in your first chapter. It felt very tell-y and interrupted the flow of your story.

In his mind, Shun danced a nervous victory in his head; while he certainly didn’t sound like a rich kid, the genuine leather jacket and silver necklaces dancing from his neck implied that he was quite the spoiled, rich child indeed.
This is another example of when you tell rather than show. You can just say "while he certainly didn't sound like a rich kid, the genuine leather and silver necklaces suggested differently" or something.

Overall, a very interesting first chapter! It reminds me of a Tumblr post I saw about what would happen if two serial killers (a hitchhiker and the driver) met with the intention to kill each other and became best friends.

That being said, there are two main areas I think you could improve. First, you mention the cold weather a lot. It's definitely an important element of the story, but it seems to work its way into every single paragraph. The reader will understand after the first few mentions; everything beyond that is overkill, in my opinion. Of course, you can always reinforce it a few paragraphs later, but there are a lot of mentions of cold, frost, winter, wind, etc. when there's no need for that.

Second, I don't understand why Aren would let Shun go. Aren said himself that he never lets hitchhikers survive, and Shun has rejected his offer. From Aren's perspective, Shun is now a liability to him: he's seen him up close, he's seen his car, he's seen his route, etc. There's no reason for Aren to leave Shun alive, so I have some trouble understanding that. Shun has a stronger motivation since he is traveling and anticipating a monetary reward, but if I was in Shun's position (and if I was a serial killer), I'd probably just kill Aren because, again, liability without benefit. Shun is disadvantaged here and could probably kill Aren before Aren could fire his gun. There's no reason for Shun to continue to risk his life so he can have a snarky conversation with Aren.

It's understandable that these characters need to be left alive for the benefit of the story, and I'm not saying that one of them absolutely has to be killed or it's a gaping plot hole that ruins your story. But exposing the reasons that Shun and Aren choose not to kill the other could help the reader better understand the plot and improve your characterization.

Overall, a strong and intriguing beginning to your story! You could reduce the number of times you allude to the weather and establish why Shun and Aren choose to leave the other alive to strengthen this. It's good to see you around again! I hope this review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions, please let me know and I'd be happy to answer.

Best,
Tuck




zaminami says...


thanks for the review!! i may or may not have based this story off of the EXSCT tumblr post youre referencing HHDBSBD



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Tue Aug 11, 2020 2:22 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I saw this in the Green Room and decided to check it out :D
I haven't watched the anime; just wanted to put that out there in case I say something stupid. This was a cool first chapter! I think you're pretty good at building tension in intense scenes. I also think this part had a good balance between action and description. The reader gets to know a lot about the characters from what the two said about each other instead of you just telling us, which was pretty nice. I think you have an engaging, good start! I'm going to point out some grammar and nitpicky things, if you don't mind!

He shifted his feet, the dirt crunching beneath his feet.


Okay this is really small xD, but I personally would avoid the repetition of "feet" in this sentence.

but are puzzled as to how the leather behind and beneath them are bone-chilling when outside was 32 degrees out.


You don't need to say "outside" and "out." How about something like "when it was 32°C outside."?

(and is not 159 cm, thank you),


xD You switch to present tense here.

He dropped his hand and fidgeted with his scarf, which at some point had come undone and was dragging through the skeletons of grass behind him.


I love the image of "skeletons of grass"! That's quite unique.

The person rolled the frost-tinted window down and a young - though it was quite gruff-sounding, Shun realised with a shiver down his back - shouted from the car: “Well, unless you want to be sitting out in this goddamn weather, get in!”


If you remove the dashed part, you're ;eft with "... and a young shouted frown the car..." I think you meant a young person or a young voice? Also, before the quote, a comma works better than a colon.

He began to shuffle towards the door and put it on the handle, wincing as the sheer cold of the metal felt as if it was burning his skin off.


Put what on the handle? His hand?

“I have a friend like that myself. Saiki likes to pretend that we’re still in the 2020 pandemic.”


Oof

The fast beat of an anonymous Loudness song echoed through the truck.


Is Loudness the name of the song? Song names go in quotes.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good start! I feel that readers will want to come back for more. I hope this helped! :D




zaminami says...


thanks so much for the review! and jsyk loudness is a j-metal band dhdgdgs



starlitmind says...


Ooh, thanks for letting me know! ^^



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Tue Aug 11, 2020 12:42 am
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zaminami says...



a/n:

yo, i'm zaminami! if you're new you might not know me but this is the first time in about a year that i've posted probably?? wow. i started this fic in january and abandoned it and restarted it a few weeks ago. i finally finished the second part and decided to post the first today and wait until i finished the third part to post the second fhdkjfhdkhf

if you're an anime and comedy fan, i highly recommend saiki k. i'm not gonna scream about it here but if you dm me i'll do so hfhfhf. these characters aren't like in the show considering the circumstances that they're in, obviously, so don't use this fic as a basis of their character.

have fun reading <3

- aj





And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk