the eternal dream

Aww... I swear, if someone ever writes something like this for me...

Anyway, let's see if I can come up with any constructive feedback.

[quote]the eternal dream[/quote]

The title seems weak in comparison to the poem. Consider something stronger, more intriguing?


[quote]we plunged through the murky depths of the world

laughing our way through the hordes of blank faces

and empty seats on the subway.

flying through the milky way

in the hopes of reaching a different planet

fast in the pursuit of the eternal dream.

we let the demons run amok

indulging in their most horrible fantasies,

but we didn't care

their rage was absurd,

and empty[/quote]

That was all awesome, don't change anything.

[quote]she led me through the dark corridors of my mind

the barest psych images slamming into me
[/quote]

What do you mean by "psych"? Psychological? Psychotic?

[quote]stripping my soul naked.[/quote]

A little cliched, maybe.

[quote]desperately clutching on to my only salvation

i heard the preacher

his mouth was full of blood and fire

and he spoke words of terror.[/quote]

Great imagery.

f[quote]or a moment i was frightened of this madman

but when i gazed into her infinite deep eyes, angelic,
[/quote]

The part about her deep angelic eyes is again, a bit a cliched. I'd at least cut "deep" because it interrupts the flow. Also, if her eyes are infinite, then obviously they're deep.

[quote]i knew how pitiful he was

so i opened my third eye

and severed my chains

i am now truly free

and we journey on

through the valley of the kings,

we ride on the white-feathered wings of eternity.

climbing the spires of ten-thousand frantic suicides[/quote]

All of that is just beautiful. Breathtaking.

[quote]i look below

and see the damned

clawing at my feet

screaming obscenities

i whispered no,

and they scurried back to their dark, forgotten halls,

shivering wretchedly in the cold.

there is no hope for these souls.

the soldier lays dying on the field of dust.

i saw him there, crying for his lost love.

but the black tears on his face,

they are from laughter.

for he has realized that the most precious thing about life

is that sometime, it must end.

although i'd like to stay for a bit,

and give honors to the dead

we must travel on...[/quote]

Nice ending.

Overall, this is a unique, vivid and powerful poem. Keep writing.

i will critique this soon; check this spot in a few hours.

thank you kindly. indeed, this is the product of a mildly disturbed mind.

Whoah.

Twisted and fun and scary and sweet and just... whoah. I've read other works by you before, and it's really more of the best; I really love your poetry. I love how you mix in such harsh subject matter so lightly. Like at the spot where you say:

"Climbing the spires of ten-thousand frantic suicides"

It's like you just glazed over the suicides and kept talking about the climbing. Very intrguing, and mildly disturbing.

AMAZING work, keep writing!
-KK

to everyone out there: i'd really appreciate it if more people reviewed this, or at least gave your thoughts on it. i didn't post this just for the sake of posting it. i came here so that people will read this and tell me what is right and what is wrong with it. so don't feel like you shouldn't comment. anything is welcome.
thanks,
zalarus

i'll be waiting for it : ]]

i am thinking of trying my hand at prose sometime soon. i am a prodigious reader, and i think that i've read enough to know my way around prose writing. as soon as i produce something of worth, i'll post it here for all your enjoyment.

^_^
i'm happy for both of you : ]]

you can learn from her somthing, i mean, about writing...it could be very interesting.

ah, i did. i read it aloud to her. i'm pleased to say that she was blown away. my heart, it soared. she's a writer herself, although she leans more toward prose. so we really fit together. poet and proser, together, in love.

i think you should give it to her...

my inspiration? i'd say that it was love. separation and love. this poem was born out of yearning for my beloved. it wasn't a fun time, but it certainly was a creative one. but fortunately, we're back together again, and i'm joyous, and still quite creative.

O_O
WOW...just WOW
i'm too excited to tell you anything else but WOW !!!
it's brilliant, it really is
WOW

may i ask you what give you the idea and the inspiration to write this?!

wow. thanks. i thought it was pretty good, but it's nice to hear it from someone else. if anyone else has a comment, positive or not, please post them. thanks a lot.
-zalarus

WOW! I cannot believe you thought my poetry was good. You my good sir, are a natural. I really don't know what to say, except for that it is really good. Keep writing!

Everything may be going black, but I'm still glowing!

WOW! I cannot believe you thought my poetry was good. You my good sir, are a natural. I really don't know what to say, except for that it is really good. Keep writing!

Everything may be going black, but I'm still glowing!