Published October 15, 2009
I see you
Through foggy glass,
This window that seperates us,
My hand upon it.
As you lay asleep
I ponder,
Wondering how this could be?
The disease that cintrols you,
No longer in color;
You become pale.
What thoughts I may wonder
Have you glimpsed over.
My eyes focused on you,
My heart races.
For losing you is true,
While life isn't.
This curse of mind has consumed me.
The still silence
Engraves a sense of horror,
When?
I ask.
Will this nightmare end?
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139,682 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
I really liked the beginning of this poem, it was very capturing. I could feel the intensity of the situation depicted and I really liked it. Aside from the grammatical errors, I don't think there's anything confusing or poorly written about it, so I hope you continue writing with such feeling.
(BTW:loved the tittle)
Rigella
Like MissMia said- Wow.
Other than those spelling changes, and some of the grammar that everyone else mentioned- don't change a word of this poem. I love it. You feel his pain. You're there in that room watching his hand slowly slide down the glass, feeling his helplessness, wondering when will this nightmare end?...
Zackster!
This is a indeed an evocative poem (not sure about provocative). Your imagery stands out and the treatment to a subject that appears to be not uncommon (at least I think so) is very very good. Since this is a very floaty poem, I can't give too many pointers except "Watch thine grammar, for others watch it too." Some lines:
"What thoughts I may wonder
Have you glimpsed over.">> Despite the fact that I have the feeling it is ungrammatical, these two lines are haunting. The slant rhyme is especially striking.
Also, the last three lines, "When I ask..." is a superb example of the sentence structuring and word play that many YWS poets simply do not see and thus continue to savage their poems again and again. This is definitely a cut above the bulk of YWS poetry and kudos to you for having learnt to grab the insubstantial. Do ask me if you ever need help. Thanks for the read,
The Plant.
this is a very good poem. it has emotion, good word choice, and i actually understand it, not like some idiotic poems. i am not usually much of a poetry person, so i don't know much about good/bad poetry, but i am sure this one was good. keep up the excellent work!
I like it. A good length, a powerful emotion, and big questions. Definitely a good start.
I see you
Through foggy glass,
This window that seperates us,
My hand upon it. <--I like the way you start with an image, and a strong one.
"As you lay asleep" <--should it be lay or lie? I'm not sure...
I ponder,
Wondering how this could be? <--not a question, a statement. Unless you're asking yourself if you're wondering.
The disease that cintrols you,
No longer in color; <--How is the disease no longer in color? I think the sentence structure needs some work.
You become pale.
What thoughts I may wonder
Have you glimpsed over. <--I don't get these lines. What are you trying to communicate? Maybe it's a lack of punctuation? Perhaps some commas belong in there?
My eyes focused on you,
My heart races. <--make your verbs agree: focused, races.
For losing you is true,
While life isn't. <-- perhaps "is not"? That one depends on the feel you're going for.
This curse of mind has consumed me.
The still silence
Engraves a sense of horror,
When?
I ask. <--period should be a comma
Will this nightmare end?
I'd say a lot of the clarification here could be done using punctuation. It's definitely a good start, but it needs some work. Keep it up!
-Sophie
hi dancingclouds here!
controls, i think you meant to saythis is a wonderfully powerful and emotional poem
this is my favourite piece of the poem as it really draws the reader into you.
well done and good luck!
Wow. This was a really provocative poem, and I found myself reading it twice. Just a couple of little points!
Separates has an "a" in it, and controls has an "o" in it. Straighten those mistakes out, and it's a pretty cool poem: I really liked it. It made me think!
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl