Published September 20, 2009
Long ago,
I had known,
Love,
Into the sorrow of my heart,
There you stand,
How can a soul so gentle,
Hurt,
I know you never meant to harm me,
You loved me the best you could,
But now I have to say good bye,
For I am no longer here to wish you happiness,
One day you shall hear my words,
The words of love,
I want you to know,
I could have loved you more,
But i guess i was wrong,
Devotion was all i had,
But it was useless,
I see your new found love,
All I can feel is sorrow,
But I want to feel happiness,
So I dream of you,
And what we had,
None of my earthly wisdom,
Could serve me now,
For I have new knowledge,
Of great light,
A white light,
Where one day,
We can still be,
One.
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139,543 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Ahh.. have you ever heard of the term "comma splicing"? Try to avoid the overuse of commas my friend. I also found myself... bored with this piece. Most of what you said was just describing how bad you felt and what somebody had done to you. Who did this to you? Also, i liked your use of the words "Love" "Hurt" and "One". But perhaps you could have came up with some more meaningful words. For example: "My sweet embrace" or if you were still looking for that single-word feel perhaps "adore" or "rapture". Though hate is a powerful word its own, you could use words that add to the sad feel of your story. Thesauruses are very powerful writing tools my friend! I cannot combat the ending One, i found that word very well chosen. I honestly would've used "zero", but whatever your feelings are. Don't stop writing, you have potential.
This poem was nice but had a few problems. It was choppy. The flow would start then it would be stopped by an overly long line that doesn't fit in the rhythm.
This beginning I love but the next line messes up the pattern.
I really just don't like this line but that is my opinion so don't take it to heart. I liked the over all concept and the style of writing but the execution needs a little work so it was a good read and keep writing!
i'm quite affected on your piece. me and my ex had just separated, and i'm hoping someday we could be back together..
I likey! I kinda got lost.....
Its nice... 
but thats easy for me to do anywhere...
Hee! Hee!
Keep up the good work
Most poems usually have some type of scheme. This doesn't seem to have one, or I could not find it. Its really not a bad thing, I hardly ever have a scheme in the poems I write. Schemes can be helpful when trying to find a flow. I liked your concept. Love can be a little cliche at times but I think you presented it nicely. All you really need to do is capitalize your "i"'s and make them into "I"'s. Also, try switch up the punctuation, instead of using commas all the time try ending the sentence with a period. Making lines long might work in your favor instead of breaking up a sentence over multiple lines. Stick with it and do not give up on this piece. With every edit a piece grows stronger.
I hope I helped.
Caroline
Hi,
Capitalize yor I's.This is going to be a real short review.
1. You should avoid the commas in every line.
2.
3.And I don't seem to get
4. I like the theme and the way you've portrayed it. I think you should work on it more. It will end up better.
Also I'm sorry if it sounds too harsh. Anyway good luck and keep writing!
~Lava