Neurotic LOve
The note was laying flat on the coffee table, it was crudely handwritten on a torn piece of paper from an old homework assignment. Alex grabbed it, and sat on the edge of his bed scrutinizing every detail while simultaneously being bombarded by more apprehensive thoughts. Every passing second turned more intolerable as he became further entrenched into the hellish labyrinths of his mind, where each thought betrayed the other. At first, he thought of her delight, but then inevitably, gloom set in as he imagined the disconcerted look on her face when she would read his pathetic note. For a fleeting moment, he was even tempted to call the plan off and stay cozily put in his beloved comfort zone, but he couldn’t this time...he really wanted to meet the girl from Apartment 810.
Alex sprang back up on his feet and started to pace around his apartment, struggling to contain the incoming wave of surging adrenaline. His heart began to beat a little quicker, and he felt queasy and cold. Eventually, he even began to worry that his relentless rumination would discourage him from ever coming through,so, he took the note and bravely forced himself towards the door until he was thwarted by another hurdle, “What if she opens the door and I’m just standing there?” . He could feel the tension in his muscles as he imagined his stiff paralysation, and the preying blankness that would pervade his mind, nibbling away at each thought like a parasite and leaving him speechless. He couldn’t slide the note under her door and rush away either, that would look absolutely ridiculous. Alex turned around frustratingly, and concededly sat back down on his bed. He could no longer withstand the overwhelming pressure, and was just about to finally surrender until... her smile revealed itself into awareness.
Her smile was a blissful cessation. An ethereal spell that transformed his anxiety into excitement, and his pessimism to optimism. She is beautiful... and besides, he had a lingering suspicion that the girl from 810 was…...quirky ever since they bumped into each other in the elevator. He suspected it in her faltering voice and how she self consciously flicked her hair back, the way she impatiently tapped her foot and her shy hesitance when she smiled at him. Alex got back up and took one more look at the withered note, then exhaled a deep breath, temporarily subsiding his returning anxiety. He hoped she would see the beauty in the note’s contrived flaws as he appreciated the beauty of her “flaws”, he thought, with a sense of bitter objection at how society managed deviance.
The girl from 810 lived one floor below him. Alex locked the apartment door and wiggled the knob a couple of times just to make sure. The antiquated elevator was ugly and loud, and coupled very dully with the wooden floor that was curiously slanted. He jabbed the button with his index finger, and waited as the elevator clinked and clanked its way upwards from the lobby, then grimaced as the doors screeched open with the raucousness of a thousand pieces of chalk digging into a board. He was certain to exit warily as the doors opened to her floor, moving nimbly, and trying to make as little noise as possible as he approached her apartment. When he finally arrived, he jerkingly crouched in front of the peephole as if she spent her time spying into the hallway..., and hesitatingly slid the note under. It was a relief, a triumph and Alex reveled in that for just...a second, until he turned around and walked hurriedly back with the same awkward gait he had hoped to avoid.
The elevator grunted more harshly than it usually did, at least it seemed. Alex shuffled himself inside and nervously gripped the rails, instantly regretting what he had done. He kicked the corner to his left, and swore. It was times like these when Alex loathed his existence. He hated how weird he was, and how he couldn’t just talk to her like a normal person...and more than anything right now...he hated how long this damn elevator took to shut!. He sighed dejectedly as the doors took their sweet time to close, then tightly closed his eyes like he idiosyncratically did when he became impatient..as if he was hoping for a more pleasant world when he opened them.
Then he saw her smile.
The girl from 810 stepped inside without saying a word and kissed him.
He couldn’t believe it. It didn’t make sense, he didn’t understand, but he didn’t care.
He wasn’t thinking, he wasn’t analyzing…
he was just here, kissing her.
The girl from 810 gently pulled her lips away, and smiled, still not uttering a word. Don’t over-romanticize…… Alex diverted his gaze politely, and exited, as the doors creaked open to his floor.
Oh crap... That was rude. I should have let her out first. ..But then that would make it seem like I’m patronizing to women. Wait no, it’s not patronizing, it’s just how society is. But soci-..
Oh ....I forgot to ask her what her name is.
“Hey.. wha..”
The doors jolted violently, trapping her arm and crushing the bones to dust.
Alex gasped as he heard cables pulling, and something snapping.
He wanted to help, but he…..couldn’t.
Before he had a chance to think, the elevator collapsed and she came down with it.
.........Up where Alex was standing, she was a red smudge.
Alex approached the edge where the elevator landing used to be and sighed, exhausted.
He didn’t want to understand, he didn’t want to analyze, and he didn't care.
He closed his eyes like he idiosyncratically did.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello!
Boy, this story's a weird one. I don't mean that in the pejorative sense either, but in the wow-what-did-I-just-read, head-trippy, cool sense. Because I really enjoyed it.
One thing I look for in a short story is how well the short actually told the story. I know that seems pretty basic, but it's surprising how many shorts don't really manage to convey what it is they're trying to convey—particularly if the concept is ambitious. Some zigzag all over the map, some are a jumble of words with no discernible point, some skimp on detail and character development.
You, however, have managed to tell A Story (capitalized for dramatic emphasis). These are fleshed-out characters in miniature, and a small idea made large. This is the kind of story that really suits short story format—the glimpse into this boy's life was expertly constructed and a treat to read.
I'm not 100% clear on the ending. I usually consider myself quite adept at symbolism and metaphors and such, but this one was a little hazy. I kind of like that, though—as I said, I liked the weirdness of this piece; I appreciate that you didn't spell it out or spoon-feed your readers. I love short stories (any type of story, really) that leaves me wondering, "What did I just read?" And yours did that.
Your imagery was strong—succinct and creatively expressed. The pacing was also very good, moving the story along at a quick enough pace to justify the short story format without feeling rushed or losing your reader. As I said: The characters were great. You give us just enough of the mysterious girl to keep her mysterious, but also to give readers the sense that she is a person underneath that mystique, and there's a reason Alex is pining for her. Alex himself is full of spark and life; he's troubled and earnest, and easily wins your reader's interest.
Basically, what I'm saying is this was a great story.
...even great stories have sins, though. Here're some nitpicks to prove it:
Incorrect comma.
Space between "through" and "so."
That comma should be a colon or a period. And if he's thinking the italicized line, you really don't need the quotes. (But if he's saying it aloud, the quotes should stay.) Also, the period following the question mark is incorrect. Whenever a sentence ends in a question mark (or exclamation point, as the case may be), you never need to add a period after it—the question mark/exclamation point is sufficient. Even if the sentence is italicized; even if the sentence is a character's thought; even if the moon is on fire and there's a zombie at your door.
Adverbs and adjectives can be your best friend or your worst enemy. In this case, you're in unfriendly territory. Do you hear how "frustratingly" and "concededly" sound when put close together? Yeah, they sound pretty damn weird—and not in a good way. You make this same mistake several times throughout the piece: Have two descriptive words ending in "-ly" very, very close together. Watch out for that—it never sounds good. Also, in general, be stingy with adverbs and adjectives whenever possible.
So Pentavalence already called you on your overly-long ellipsis, but let's expand on that a bit.
Ellipsis, or dot-dot-dots if you prefer, are written with three dots. That's standard, that's traditional, and there's really no reason to add more dots or use less. It just looks odd, quite frankly—and improper. In this case, you use far too many, and you do the same thing later in the story—but there were also a few instances where you used only two dots instead, which would be incorrect as well.
Punctuation goes inside the quotations.
Following the word "hallway," either use ellipsis or use a comma—don't use both.
So! Overall, this was, as I said, a treat to read. It was perfectly strange and very well-written, with high marks on almost everything I look for in a short story.
Nice work!
Wow. Okay, Pentavalence here with a review.
This is a well written story with a highly realistic character. And THE ENDING. That was a plot twist!
A couple things that really nagged at me, though: The sentences were beautifully composed, but they all were exactly the same length. Especially within the first few paragraphs, the story took on a sort of monotone beat.
Towards the end, the spacing got weird too. The gaps between paragraphs are oddly big, and make the piece look disjointed. Also, ".........Up where Alex was standing," has far too many dots. I'd recommend either sticking with the standard 3 dots or getting rid of them completely.
I feel that to understand the story better, readers should know exactly what that note says. I for one, was a little confused. It states that Alex has never really talked with the girl from apartment 810, yet she just gets in the elevator and kisses him. Was the note a declaration of love? A way to ask her on a date? Or just a scrawled location saying where they should meet?
And the ending could definitely be better. Not to say that I didn't like it--I thought it was a fantastic plot twist, but compared to the rest of the piece, it was plain, bare-bones. Add more detail!
-Pen
I wasn't expecting that, to be honest. I'm not sure if the elevator is a metaphor or not, but I can tell that it is important. The writing is very good and though there is not an extreme description of the two characters, you can tell the personalities of both almost immediately. You can feel Alex's nervousness at giving the girl the note, and the happiness of the girl once she read said note.