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E - Everyone

Sky Like Spread Legs

by yungcamus


In between the air and the sea, the surface of the water rages and rages like melting blue and green cathedral glass, and underneath the current drives to the surface, breaching and billowing into the sky and changing the crystal blue to a flushed pink and red like spread legs. A young man sits on a pier, flushed with the sky, damp with the water, and racing like the current. The waves look like beasts but crash like water and push and pull, with white froth. The legs belong to a girl. The forest shakes and another moment passes. The leaves are hot with orange, red, and yellow. They push and pull, but rigidly, they belong to the cold and salty air. The young man feels his mouth and his tongue and his water and his eyes fill with the ocean, that blankets the ground and ends at the sky.

The night approaches, and the legs close, and the heat of the day cools with the shine of her eyes. His mind can jump but not to a smile and he’s left with her eyes in the dark. The white moon touches the tips of crescent waves and they shine white and only them. The water is dark and so is the sky and so he only sees her eyes, the moon, and the unrestrained lines of white that move to keep the pulse of the sea beating and beating, pulling and pulling.

“AAHHHHHH”, he belts into the sky. His love runs hot but there is a coolness in the open expanse. She receives him with the open arms of the horizon and he can feel his love echo and concentrate on that long, infinite line. It waits to rise like the hearth of the sun, and mix with the texture of the thin and bolder clouds.

He reclines against the pier at odds with his passion and peering into the near water with its mixture of dust, rock, and absent sky. And just as it fades, his white starling, the women in the sky, glides up the water and remedies it. Her slender frame tosses and turns with the pushing and pulling of the ocean and suffuses with the white lines of the crescent waves. His mind briefly lapses but he quickly returns, he cocks his head backwards but it’s too late. The white starling with her white gown have jumped, stalling in front of the sky in gentle repose while he lies on the pier beneath her. The water cracks and breaks and the shards of water hit his face, cooling him. He stares at her while she’s underwater and it robs him of her clarity. He stalls, but jumps in the end and crashes through the waves.  

Underwater, her gown flows to the whim of the ocean's air.  A wind that's much slower and gentler.  She stares at him with constant, green eyes while the rest of her disappears and appears with the shadows, dust, and night.  He thinks he can discern a smile but there's water, darkness, and the imperceptibility of women.  He remains stoic and, though young, his heart beats with the same rhythm as an old man, kissing his wife of many years for the thousandth time.  He eases forward and his eyes begin to tear in water.  He reaches forward but is halted by the torpedoed water.  Hundreds of bodies break through, bringing pillars of air and water.  

The stationed army men, young, built, and careless dive in the hundreds.  The water mixes with the pounds of flesh and the pier loses its moment.  The bodies are only bodies and will only be bodies and they crowd the young man's view.  He had never been blunt and so what he thought and felt hardened inside him.  He watches while a mob of men crowd her with muscle and sweat and empty hearts.  

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494 Reviews

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Thu Jul 14, 2016 5:28 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there!

This certainly had a very poetic style to it, for sure. You mentioned something about trying to put someone's poem into a more... prose form? I haven't read the poem before if that's the case but I think you probably did a decent job, from what I can tell.

I wasn't a fan of the main simile. I honestly don't really get what a sunset and "spread legs" have in common- and although yeah, I can sort of see it, it's still pretty far off in my opinion. Plus I just found that it left a bad taste in my mouth because the man seems to have a pretty dirty mind... and I just can never relate to the "awe" people have of sexual things like that. To me it's kind of off putting when people are that interested in reproductive organs that they see it in the most vaguest places- I'm not trying to be mean, I just think you can really do better than this simile. Also the waves were like breasts? I don't see it.

As a reviewer mentioned below, it's hard to tell what's going on in this story. At first I thought it was just the man on the pier, admiring the sunset and the ocean. But then it was like an actual women was there and I found it really confusing because I couldn't tell if this was the women that had been originally talked about (the sky/ocean/etc) or a new women who just had suddenly taken on a more concrete form. Or maybe she was the waves? I think you can clear this up if you just take a little extra time to explain the scene a bit better- if you're trying to get across that she's more human-like in the second half of the story, use something more real in the way you talk about her- maybe she touches his face? That might be enough to let us know that she's actually there- or maybe she speaks to him? And if you were aiming for her to be the same as the sky; a personification of something, you might want to still be a little more specific to what's happening. Maybe make her more un-human by saying things like she glided over the entire ocean- things like that. If that makes sense. Just some clarifications would be nice.

The last paragraph I found especially confusing. There's soldiers now? And it seems that there's been a war? But your imagery gets a little odd here:

he bodies are only bodies and will only be bodies and they crowd the young man's view.


What makes these bodies different from other bodies that you need to state they are only bodies several times? Are there bodies in this story that aren't only bodies? I wasn't sure what you were trying to say here.

He had never been blunt and so what he thought and felt hardened inside him.


I also don't know what you're trying to say here. How does never being blunt cause him to harden within himself? Are you saying that because he didn't express himself, his feelings ate away at him from the inside? I could see that, but it's not very clear at first glance.

So I don't get the ending, either. You're probably fed-up with me not getting things by now. ;) But really, what was that ending? Did the soldiers... take his wife, who seemed to be the ocean/sky, away from him? I don't understand how that works. It ends in a rather odd place and I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from it. What were you wanting this story to be about? What is the last thing you want to say about this rather intimate relationship this man has? Personally, I feel that the last line of a story is just as important as the first. The first hooks you into the story, and the last sets you free. But in this ending I don't know what really happened, so it's hard to be free of it. Again, my advice is just try to be a little clearer in what's going on. Imagery, similes, and metaphors are great, but sometimes you have to break away from them for a bit to tell the story in a way that people will actually be able to understand. Also, personifications of objects/nature/etc can be confusing if the image doesn't quite fit. I'm not sure how to say it beyond that. But just remember, sometimes you have to put the poetic devices aside and just plain tell a story- it might just have to be for a few sentences, just enough that we're grounded and we know what's happening, and then you can go back to the other.

Anyway, I did really think you had great flow- especially in the first paragraph; I really thought you captured the beauty of a poem. And in many ways this did feel like a very large text of poetry, and it was really nice. I hope you keep it up! If you have any questions about what I said, let me know!

-Socks




yungcamus says...


Wow! This was so helpful and thoughtful.

I intended, probably should have made it clearer, that the women he fantasizes about, the women in the sky, creeps up from behind him in the water, her reflection skimming along the water, and that when he turns around to see her she's jumped into the water. He joins her, a real life women, in the water and starts to move towards her, presumably to introduce himself, but is bombarded by a lot of army guys in the water. They done steal the girl just block his vision of her.

The line about them being 'bodies' was trying to draw the readers attention to the fact that they're not as romantic as the protagonist, they're only bodies. The line about bluntness is exactly what you said, the feeling of despair inside him from not expressing himself.

I couldn't agree with you more, though. The story definitely needs a couple sentences here and there that progress the story, the simple story not the imagery. Thank you so much for the review!
Much appreciated.
I'll edit it right away



Holysocks says...


That makes a lot more sense the way you put it! And you're welcome; I'm glad it helped! c:



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Sun Jul 10, 2016 1:13 am
Ang920 wrote a review...



Hello!
Ryan here to review :)

I enjoyed this short story a lot. The imagery in it is amazing and your word choice is great.
I loved how you opened the story with
"In between the air and the sea, the surface of the water rages and rages like melting blue and green cathedral glass, and underneath the current drives to the surface, breaching and billowing into the sky and changing the crystal blue to a flushed pink and red like spread legs."
It flows very nicely and makes the reader excited to read on.

I did however have a hard time understanding what it is about. The reader is not given very much information in the beginning, which is okay but only if the understand the story at the end.
You could want the story to have mystery and leave the ending up to interpretation but I ended being a little confused. This could just be me though.

I few questions i have are
Is the man having a dream or vision about a women he knows?
why is he in the water?
why are all the bodies in the water?

I'm sorry if this review seems harsh. I really do enjoy this story a lot I'm just a little confused about some things and would like clarification.

Over all you did a great job :)
Keep writing!
-an920 aka Ryan




yungcamus says...


Hi!

Thanks for the review and not harsh at all.
The main character is sitting on a pier and day-dreaming about the girl he loves when, in the fourth paragraph, she makes an actual appearance. He's staring in the water and she comes up behind him and jumps off the pier into the water. He joins her and also jumps off the pier. And then, right before he can get up close to her, a bunch of army guys all dive off the pier to swim and there are so many people he can't find her again.

I agree with you that the story is hard to follow. Thanks for the review!




If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman