We had just gotten home from a party and Logan was spending a couple of days at our house i immediately went to my room and got changed i had just pulled on a shirt when i hear a knock on the door Logan says he has something he wants to tell me so i motion for him to come in he does and we sit down on my bed we just sat there for a while I'm sure 5 to 10 minutes have passed since he came in and I'm starting to think he's forgotten what he wanted to say i was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes i asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder "i really like you" then he jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room i sat there stunned then i laid back hand on my lips thinking he loves me! he really loves me! and fell into a deep sleep i woke up at ten the next day with a million thoughts swirling in my mind.weird i thought. i don't remember going to sleep i tried to remember what happened the night before it came to me.the party,the way Logan kissed me and ran out, and how i lie there for a long time in shock and pleasure then i poked my head out of the door to see if he was in Chris's room. not there. i looked everywhere inside of the house and in the backyard, not there either where is he i asked myself under my breath i looked in the front as he pulled up in his car. he was gone duh. should have looked there first. wait Ive found him now what?why don't i ever think things through? so i ran back into my room and locked the door quickly. i sat on the bed thinking rapidly for what to do then the door opened. damn! i must not have closed it tight. it was Logan. now i was just confused but i didn't let it show on my face and asked "yes?" he gulped and asked "are we still okay or are you afraid to talk to me now?" i was completely confused at that point and didn't bother to hide it anymore then i sighed and said 'wow, boys really are clueless" then i walked to him looking him in the eyes and said "of course were okay silly, i love you" and gave him a peck on the lips he looked like his world had turned upside down then he kissed me back and said "thank god i couldn't have lived if i had lost you" i blushed and said "as long as you want me you have me" and then without warning.....
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I cannot even begin to edit this! There is too much!
Let me give you some hints:
-use punctuation
-always capitalize I
-break up sentences
-capitalize the beginning of sentences
-start a new paragraph when someone talks
You often use run on sentences.
Whoah. Whoa. This good be, like, ten sentences. Please, please break it up. Write now it is very convoluted and is confusing to the reader.
Honestly, Yuki's Girl (Fruit's Basket?) I can't read this and edit it until you edit it. It is much to confusing to read.
Perhaps you should break it down into paragraphs?
The storyline also raced right through. It was way too quick. Maybe you should take some more time to develop characters or feelings. A story with this kind of storyline would sound quite cliche if there is no development on emotions or characters or events.
Where is your punctuation darling? Thus far I see none, at all. That is not a good sign. This is one beyond a runon sentence at this point. Please please please, edit and put some proper punctuation. Your first paragraph should read:
"We had just gotten home from a party and Logan was spending a couple days at our house. I immediately went to my room and got changed, I had just pulled on a shirt when I hear a knock at the door."
And so on and so forth
The next problem I have, this is a very very very abrubt start, I have no idea who these characters are, just that they are kissing and spending a few days with each other. It's a very confusing start. Try working on creating a character and a setting before rushing into a start that makes little sense. Why was there a party? Who is Logan? Who is the narrator? So far we are all a bit lost.
The very last problem that I see is the verb tenses, you start with "We had" and then it becomes "I hear" one is in past tense and one is in present tense. You want to try to stick with the same tense throughout the whole story, other wise your character is jumping from the past to the present. So " We had" would go with "I heard" or "We are just getting home" would go with "I hear".
If that makes any sense at all ^^
All in all it has potential, but it needs polish. Review your basic grammar book again, and try to edit this up a bit.
Best of Luck
OverEasy
Ok.. I see where you were trying to go with this.. but I'm not sure you got there.
First of all, you definitely need to break this up. It'll make it ten-trillion times easier to read. Also, you need to put capitals where they need to be, and all sorts of punctuation. This seemed like just one big mess of words just dying to be rearranged. And I noticed that you kept switching your tenses..
I'll check it out again if you clean this up, so I can actually give you my opinions on it.
Toodleloodle,
Loozle