Creatures from another world.

by yuki-chanx

Published July 27, 2012

In Snippets/Random stuff

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He was so ancient, worlds could fall into his eyes and no-one would notice.  A thousand souls rested there. Yet he looked as lost as a child. ‘I was the last to see him.’ He said quietly, going still.  The young boys’ mother began to shout at him, screeching her son’s name, frantically looking around the cathedral.  His eyes darkened as he strode towards the barred doors and dragged his hands through his hair, a look I was familiar with passing over his face. ‘Don’t do it.  Their kind knows none of what we do for them.  You lost track of the child when the mother should have been; it is not your fault.’  Words for comfort, but delivered in a hard voice.  He spun around, eyes blazing with fire.  ‘We are not above them! They allow us to be here, they created us!’ ‘Without them we would not be needed!’  I scowled ‘Here you go with this talk of how these mortals’ I spat the word, ‘Made us? We were not made to interfere in their affairs, yet you bandy the word create so easily.’  I drew myself up to my full height and regarded him. ‘These claims you make are an insult to your race.’ He flinched at that, ‘But I want to help them…’ He trailed off, hanging his head; as if the weight of his convictions lay heavy on his young, ever stilled heart.  I gently placed a hand on his head ‘The path we are given is our own; we do not stray; we do not doubt; we do not fail.  This was our covenant at the end of days before these.’ 

 

He raised his head and searched my face; I let my eyes soften to him. ‘It is alright, youngling.  Even I have had thoughts of my place in the universe’  ‘Uriel, I want to stay and help but I don’t know how.  Will you stay and aid me?’  The blood that was laced with ancient majik sang in my veins.  One of my kind called to aid, but this was a war; and there was no time left.  ‘We are going home.  We must, for our own call to us in pain’ He deflated where he stood, and I bit back the words I wished to speak.  A new sense came over me, a strong need to return to my kin and rain down fire on our enemies.  I recognized it as the blood of my ancestors urging me back to my homestead.  My voice sounded faint to my ears as I told him to make his goodbyes.  ‘But I haven’t found her son! Please-‘he appealed to me.  My patience was worn thin ‘Enough, we return now.’  ‘But brother-‘I cut him off, and my voice thundered through the cathedral, making the humans exclaim in terror. ‘We are returning. Your dallying in this realm is done.’  My eyes were heavy with the command in them.  He stepped back, resigned and miserable.  ‘It is in the nature of those more capable to want to help.’  I patted his shoulder.  ‘Come. Let us return.’  He nodded gloomily and flashed back.  I turned and glanced at the alcove where the human girl-child stood, eyes round.  I leaned down to her height.  ‘The boy is in the rectangular box.’  She nodded mutely.  ‘Good luck.’ I smiled then, and she shyly returned it before running away to find her friend. 

 

 

 

When I returned my advisors were waiting on the marble plateau that overlooked the azure ocean, the sun burning in the sky.  ‘Our forces are drained.  We thought perhaps you would like to return to where you are needed, and not to go chasing after your brother for every little thing.’  The concern was false, a dagger dipped in gold.  I smiled coldly ‘Thank you for your thoughts.  I had to see for myself the state of the human realm myself.’  I began to move away from the plateau to the pantheon, where all of our strategies were discussed. 

 

We did not debate; we discussed.  Then we battled for our lands. For the freedom of my people.  To breathe air without fear it would be taken from them.  That is what I fought for.  Those who surrounded me were of a more devious disposition.  I did not own the moral high ground; merely I was the one on it at the present time.  I would fall eventually, and I only hoped someone would care and love my kind as I had.  I am not pessimistic, only realistic.  No being can go on forever. I only hoped to make living easier for my kin while I was there

Comments & reviews · 1
User avatar
MorningStar
Review
MorningStar wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2012

Your work has the feel of you not going back and proofreading. The opening sentence doesn't make sense grammatically:

"His eyes, he was so ancient, worlds could fall into his eyes and no-one would notice."


If you don't wish to put some real work into this sentence (which has great potential and is incredibly poetic!), you need to take out "his eyes" to allow the opening sentence to attract the reader. Your opening sentence repelled me, and you don't want that to happen! Accidents in your works are normal, but you don't want your reader to see one as soon as they begin! Also, I don't believe the word "bandy" fits in the first paragraph; you may want to try "utter" or "proclaim".

Your grammar needs work as well. Your sentences are choppy and that makes your piece a little tedious to get through.

You confused me a lot with your characters. At first, you say there is a mother and these two creatures; then suddenly there's a little girl and her friend that you did not introduce. You need to state the characters first.

Each time the speaker changes, a new paragraph should be formed as well.

These creatures are not "people", and thus they cannot fight "for the freedom of [their] people". I don't know what the creatures are (vampires? aliens?), but you can't call them people, if they hate mortals so much.

Your language is great, though! Your writing has an incredible amount of potential. Your work does not need to be deleted and begun again; it simply needs a little more meticulous editing. Connect those choppy sentences with semi-colons or colons and then you have one hell of a story.

Thanks so much for the constructive criticism, I really appreciate it! I was thinking of taking it down, so thank you. I really needed that and it's solid advice ^^ so cheers!

*Aoibh*



I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory