Published May 14, 2012
The sky lit up into an array of colors as the vibrant sun slowly descended behind the mountain. I sighed and glanced over at the small pond that was just beyond a little knoll of trees. Several ducks were laughing and herding their young home. I smiled and reached over to pick one of the small, yellow flowers that were just starting to bloom. I put it in my hair, letting it rest on my ear. The stars started to appear and the full moon rose up into the sky. The moon seemed so special that night; it glowed with a sensation of awe.
Standing now, I strolled over to the pond. I reached into my purse and grabbed the small compact mirror. Staring deeply into it, I sighed, wishing that life were different.
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How very visual. This is more like girl wanting to live in a fantasy world rather than the world she is in now? This is a very short story. I am sure you have more to come. yes?
Hey Yubbie,
Here are my thoughts on this:
If you were trying to write a picturesque scene, you lost to Tolkien, Le Guin, Dickens, and many other master wordsmiths long before you even began. Rather write simple prose where your imagination might compensate for your inability to match the masters.
If you were trying to draw a level of emotional investment, I have nothing that sets your story apart from any other story. You need a hook. A reason your story is worth reading. A quirky character, stakes in something big, or interesting dialogue would do the trick.
Your job as a writer is not to write just another piece of fiction. It's to write the best other piece of fiction out there. As it stands, your piece is just another story.
Hope this helps.
Good luck.
Really good, theres not much to say about it. Maybe expand on some things, like who is this girl, why is she here, what happened to make her feel the way she does. other then that I like it, it really paints a picture in my mind, like I am there at the pond with her.
hey there
first off your profile pic is why I was first intrigued;)lol
so for your overall writing style i give you an A+, it was great. Its hard for me to critique the story since there wasn't much of one, but i'm sure ill have more to say if you continue with this one. I agree with xDudettex about giving it a title. It will help us understand what exactly is going to happen in the future. i had a lot of questions like, who is this girl? why does she sigh when she looks to her reflection? let me know when you expand on this one a little more and i'll defiantly review,
thanks for the lovely piece,
Scarlett
hay there
first off your profile pic is why I was first intrigued;)lol
so for your overall writing style i give you an A+, it was great. Its hard for me to critique the story since there wasn't much of one, but i'm sure ill have more to say if you continue with this one. I agree with xDudettex about giving it a title. It will help us understand what exactly is going to happen in the future. i had a lot of questions like, who is this girl? why does she sigh when she looks to her reflection? let me know when you expand on this one a little more and i'll defiantly review,
thanks for the lovely piece,
Scarlett
Hey there, yubbies!
This is rather short, so my review isn't going to be of great length.
So first off, I'd strongly recommend that you give this story a title, even if it's only temporary. I've posted works in the past under 'untitled' and it's safe to say you'll get a lot more people reading and reviewing if you have a title. A title is what draws readers in
I like the description you have here. It's sets a really nice scene and I can imagine the sky and mountains and pond. It's a really serene setting.
'Several ducks were laughing and' - I can't really imagine ducks laughing. This sentence just doesn't sit right with me. Try replacing 'laughing' with another word or you could even describe the sound and say how it sounds like they're laughing.
I think this short piece is a great hook, especially the last line. It makes me wonder what the MC's life is like now, for them to wish that it were different. I like it. I raises questions in my head. It's always good to make your reader ask questions as it leaves them wanting to read on to find the answers.
Sorry for such a short review, but the piece is short so there's not a lot I can comment on.
xDudettex