Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKayy...so this is off to a pretty good start here. There are a few questions that immediately get asked and there's a nice bit of mystery and action there towards the end to hook you in. It works out pretty well as a first chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Good morning!," I said cheerfully as I bobbed down the spiral staircase," Hey mom, when I'm done with breakfast I'm going to head over to Jared's apartment. Then we'll probably going to go to Jay when he wakes up."

"Okay Exandra. I swear that boy doesn't wake up till three in the afternoon," she said playfully. I gave her a big grin which was surprising for me because my facial expressions have the wide range of bored to super bored. I wolfed down my pancakes and chugged my milk. I started to feel dizzy. I grabbed a jacket which was completely unnecessary because Jared lived right next door. I walked out of the door saying a hasty goodbye but to my surprise I saw a boy my age with black hair and eyes with extremely pale skin hanging around outside my door. He said hello but I ignored him, that was how we did it in New York City.

OKayy...a decent start here. Nothing too unique or exciting to immediately pull us in, but it is a solid little introduction that catches your attention well enough and its that sort of reliable standard start here that just about manages to work. Well, let's see where this one ends up going then.

I was just about to knock on the door when two hands pulled me by my jacket into Jared's apartment. "Holy Crap Jared!" I yelled at Jared while I stared down his dark brown eyes. He turned away from me,"Sorry but that dude out there was creeping me out!"

I gave him a look. He never understood that this was the city and strange people could have been taken care of easily.

"Are you slightly stupid?" I asked.

"Are you slightly evil?" he replied in a sarcastic tone.

"Yes, didn't you hear I had the devil as a kindergarten teacher? Good times"

Okayy...well this is off to a fun start here. A little surprising there the way that Jared was introduced but I think it actually manages to work surprisingly well there and on the whole the banter that then immediately starts up afterwards is really well done here. It makes for a good start here I think.

"Wow, that was lame, even for you Isis," Jay's mocking tone rang out from the doorway. I gave him a look in his navy blue eyes but I had nothing for him in my arsenal of snappy comebacks. I just sat down lamely on Jared's leather couch. Jay swiftly walked over and sat down close enough for me to touch his soft brown hair and kiss him. I snapped myself out of my stupor. I had been consistently admiring his looks. But there was something that I always saw under his charm, something dark that was always surrounding him. But I would never think of Jared like that, he was like my brother.

Jared turned on a movie but no one really payed attention. We were all talking about how nice it was to have absolutely no school for three months. I participated in the conversation but unenthusiastically , I was mainly watching the sky outside through the huge wall that was just glass.

Okayyy...that was a slightly awkward moment there. I don't know if that's a little bit of foreshadowing or if it is exactly what is spelled. Its a very interesting things to be focusing on so early into this chapter at any rate...and I wonder where its trying to go. At any rate, this is still progressing fairly smoothly however.

Jay nudged me,"So Exandra, had any weird dreams lately?" I gave him a funny look. "Yeah.. one with a giant cobra. It told me our world was under siege."

Jared looked at Jay. There seemed to be a silent conversation going on between them.

"Yeah... the funny thing is Exandra. That happened," Jared said in a very slow voice like he was talking to a small child. His hair fell in his eyes so I couldn't see his full expression but I saw Jay's and it was the type of expression that made me feel like I was going to deck him in the face.

OKayy...well that's not something you expect to see...I mean a crazy dream with a random cobra declaring a siege on the world is a great dream but then that line later by the two boys is just a very surprising move there and I get the feeling of a little bit of tension slowly rising up here.

And I was going to. Too bad Jared saw what I was about to do. Too bad I ended up decking them both in the face. Now that I think back on it i don't really remember the conscious decision to do it, just swinging my hand around with forceful accuracy.

I only slapped Jared and he didn't put up a fight, but Jay was determined to. I was swinging my fist around and he caught it in his hand. I made the next blow and I dodged it by ducking down to the floor. I grabbed his ankles and pulled him down to face me. He pushed me down on my back, pinning me. I pushed him off with my legs then got up and pinned him. I was just about to land a blow to his face when Jared pulled me off. Holding me against him. I tried to break free but his arms that were corded with muscle held me. For a split second he let go and punched Jay in the gut just as he was getting up. Jay recovered quickly and stood in front of me and Jared in a moment.

But sadly his gaze was focused on me. He was only two inches away from me. He reached out for reasons I couldn't think of. But then the boy from outside burst in.

Okay...well this escalate into an all out fight in the blink of an eye there...and well, now things get very interesting here. I love that we have ourselves a little cliffhanger there and the mini fight scene that breaks out here is also done pretty well. It captures the element of surprise quite nicely and we can really see how this situation pans out.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this was a decent start, if maybe slightly rushed and I think its got quite a bit of potential as a first chapter here. Its certainly intriguing enough that I find myself wanting to read on here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi there! I'm Pari.

So this is a little confusing.
I think you should establish the MC a little better. We know absolutely nothing about her at this point but she's being referred to by two names - Exandra and then Jay calls her Isis. I know it's the same person, but it comes off as a little confusing simply because the character isn't defined yet.

Next, this part was a little odd to me:

"Are you slightly stupid?" I asked.
"Are you slightly evil?" he replied in a sarcastic tone.
"Yes, didn't you hear I had the devil as a kindergarten teacher? Good times"

As I understand, they're teenagers, and I don't understand the response "Are you slightly evil?" It just seems like an odd word choice. Not a big deal, though.

This paragraph is also confusing:

Jay swiftly walked over and sat down close enough for me to touch his soft brown hair and kiss him. I snapped myself out of my stupor. I had been consistently admiring his looks. But there was something that I always saw under his charm, something dark that was always surrounding him. But I would never think of Jared like that, he was like my brother.

The fact you're using his a lot with two males - Jay and Jared - might confuse a reader. At the beginning, she's kissing Jay. Because of this, the next line appears to be about Jay, because he was the boy mentioned at the beginning. Then at the end she says But I would never think of Jared like that... which is just really jarring and interrupts the reader's mental flow. You should establish that Exandra is admiring Jared's looks in the first sentence (I had been consistently admiring his looks) just so it flows better.

Alright, moving on.

His hair fell in his eyes so I couldn't see his full expression but I saw Jay's and it was the type of expression that made me feel like I was going to deck him in the face.

What type of expression is that? Different things set off different people. It could be pity, anger, or he could be making fun of her. By showing the reader in more detail what Jay's expression it is, it's more interesting and the reader also learns a bit more about the MC - we'd know what makes her angry enough to hit.
On that note, the ensuing fight between Exandra and Jay doesn't really make sense to me? I don't understand why they're breaking into a full-fledged fight in the first place. Nothing that momentous happened to justify a fist-fight in the living room. I don't know, maybe put more dialogue or action before the fight to justify it, or tone the fight down to maybe Exandra hitting Jay, and then Jay laughing and ducking or something.

As for the overall flow, I think your sentences are a bit abrupt and the flow is frequently interrupted and a bit awkward in some places. Try reading what you write out loud, it helps a lot - you see where natural pauses should be, and what breaks are forced in your story. There are a few cases where you've started a new sentence, while what you're saying would make more sense as a part of the previous sentence. For example:

I had been consistently admiring his looks. But there was something that I always saw under his charm, something dark that was always surrounding him. But I would never think of Jared like that, he was like my brother.

Say it out loud. To me, at least, the break between the first two sentences is a little forced. It would sound better if the second sentence wasn't a new sentence altogether, just a part of the first one, so the pause is smaller and more natural. Also in this case, the repetition of the word but, which is at the beginning of 2/3 sentences, is a little jarring.
This is a pretty small thing, something that could be easily fixed in editing.

I also love the way you ended this chapter. Cliffhangers are just great. You'll definitely keep a reader hooked with the last line of this; now I'm dying to know what exactly is up with this creepy boy! So kudos for that.

I hope I'm not being too harsh here. Overall, I think your idea is good - it's unique! I haven't heard of many stories with giant serpents in modern NYC. A lot of your problems are structural/flow-related, and I think they're things that could be fixed if you reread and rewrote again. This has a lot of potential, you can easily pull it off and make it a riveting story. In any case, I would definitely like to read what comes next!