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Young Writers Society



A worthy dweller ch.2

by youssefayman


The man was ready to leave, but he glimpsed a familiar object . The man saw a blue star. The star was moving like the one he saw earlier. He observed the star, he wondered if it will continue its journey; however, he learned not to attach himself to other matters for loss can always knock on his door. The man decided to see it through nonetheless. The blue giant moved steadily; however, this time the view was different, for the star came to a halt at the very place the dying star perished. "I wonder who built such magnificent structure? . Who would call such place a home?" The man said "If one is to perish another will replace, and the great shade goes on"
Then the man, possessing more knowledge, looked again upon the marvelous universe, and saw a rain of blue stars stretching as far as the eye can see. A wide smile drew upon his face.
It was time to continue the journey. He stretched his hands and the cloud moved. As he moved, he remembered the dust from the dying star. He looked around, but it seems that the dust was ahead of him. He thought about how interesting such object could be; the dust must hold great knowledge. The man was aware of the stars and how they stand vigil for great times. Anything of such tolerance and patience must hold great wisdom. A wisdom he would drain great knowledge from. The dust must contain the memories of the star, and the knowledge it gained through out its life. The man, on his way to the colors, spotted the trail of dust. He with no reluctance, stretched his arms to its limit allowing the cloud to travel with a more rapid speed.
He moved along with the celstial dust, yet he felt disappointed. The dust was of ordinary nature. No hidden knowledge nor ancient wisdom were entrusted upon him when he approached the dust. He then learned that things are not always what they seem to be, for the great star's knowledge did not linger in its remains. He, along with the dust, continued his journey to the place where his heart longs to be.
The man traveled for days, maybe more. The distance was great, and the man was tired. The cloud helped him greatly with moving, yet its movement wearied his body. The man's physique was not the only thing that was affected. His spirit began to surrender, and he began to think that the colors are only fragments of his imagination that his lost mind created to mimic a purpose for existence. The man stopped and contemplated on the colors, though this time he did not feel a urging happiness crawl up his soul, he was not awe struck with its graceful dancing, nor did his eyes widen at the amusing view. He simply looked, but the more he looked , the more his disappointment increased, and gradually the colors dimmed until they were no more there.
The man now was experiencing a feeling no one could wish to feel; lost. his complexion changed becoming a symbol for sadness. His surrendered soul had no control over his body, dropping his trusty staff, and tears began falling from his bright blue eyes. The man leaned forward, and covered his face with his hands. He felt his soul getting stabbed furiously by his anguish , and a weird movement tingled in his hands. two tears slipped from his hands and began flying. He stood upright and saw the two tears fly upward. On happier occasions one would see two tears dancing through the dark space, each seeking solace in the other, but the man, filled with sadness, saw two symbols of his grief. He closed his eyes, and felt as if his soul was leaving his body. He knew nothing of death, but he recognized that this was his end. He closed his eyes, maybe for the last time. to be continued..

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1125 Reviews

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Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:22 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey there, Stella here! I couldn't find Chapter One to review- if it exists, send me a link but as it is I'll start here!

Okay so first of all there's a few grammatical errors to be corrected- just things like capital letters at the beginning of sentences. I know, I know, it's boring, but it's the mechanics of writing. You can't drive a Ferrari if there's something wrong with the engine, you can't write a story if the grammar isn't working. So punctuation=important. Plus, once it's all correct, your piece looks way more polished and professional, and it's actually easier to read!

Secondly, I was at first a bit confused because of the whole star thing. But as I realised it wasn't a metaphor I got interested in the story you were telling. It was really surreal, but I love sky images, especially stars (hey, the name's Stella after all) so I really enjoyed it from that angle. You have a lot of lovely imagery here- but there was something I noticed that I think would make your imagery stand out better. It's something a YWSer once pointed out to me when I was a new-ish member- my sentences were all the same structure. Lots of your sentences here start "He" or "The man", they all follow the same structure. Now, that's a really useful trick when you're trying to strip back language, make it bare and minimalistic- but you're not. You have all this fabulous imagery that is getting overlooked because reading such similar sentences over and over makes it a bit boring. But your work isn't actually boring at all!

So to let that beautiful imagery stand out, try and change your sentences around. Like look at this:

"He thought about how interesting such object could be; the dust must hold great knowledge. The man was aware of the stars and how they stand vigil for great times."

Now with a little tweaking:

"The stars stood vigil for great times, he was aware of this, and the dust must have held great knowledge. He realised how interesting such an object could be."

You see? By putting the imagery at the start, you immediately drag us in, you open up the story to more possibilities.

Overall I thought this was very intriguing and extremely unique, and I'm off to read Chapter Three!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




youssefayman says...


Thank you so much stella for the review, it was really awesome, and helpful. i 'm looking forward to reading the ch.3 review . here is the ch.1 link btw work.php?id=99215



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Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:02 am
AwesomeSauce wrote a review...



Hi!

Okay, this is really awesome! I'm a huge fan of fantasy, and this is a awesome read! To be honest, I didn't read chapter one, but I'll get to that don't worry!

On with the show...

*curtains open*

"I wonder who built such magnificent structure? . Who would call such place a home?" The man said "If one is to perish another will replace, and the great shade goes on"

Errors with full stops. First off, you don't need a full stop after a question mark. The question mark itself is like a full stop, only a question. You don't need it there, it's unnessasary. Also, when someone is about to speak, it should have a comma after it, like when it said...well said there, it should have a comma. When someone is finished speaking, a full stop is needed. *hands muffin* Do you understand?

"his complexion changed becoming a symbol for sadness."

His should have a capital H at the beginning.

"to be continued.."

I like that as an ending, but this should be on a seprate line. You know, to make it more suspenceful.

Also, you tend to put huge gaps between your commas at times. Like when you say something you tend to do this...
Ivan , his hair...
That is an example, but that what you do at times. I wonder why.

*curtains close.*

I really loved this, seriously I did! It puts a lot of imagry in the person's mind! It really helped me imagine a lot of thinge thoughout this peice! Your words are an awesome choice! I loved it!

I hoped I helped out a little!
By the way, this is like the second review ever I did, so can you tell me how I did please.

*spok sign* Until we meet again,
Sarah!




youssefayman says...


Your review was awesome sarah, it really helped a lot. I will get to the errors right now, but really thank you for the review i hope you'd chapter one because i am need of your advice. (until we meet a gain)




Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality