*Sam's point of view*
Chapter 4—The Garden
It felt like my body had been lifted off of a bed of nails. I was floating, higher and higher, until suddenly I stopped at a large metal gate. It opened, and I floated through.
I gazed around, amazed to see that I had ended up in what looked like a huge garden. There were large trees, heavy with fruit, even though it was the middle of winter, row after row of vegetables, bushes of flowers by the thousand, and a pathway winding around, dividing each type of fruit, vegetable, or flower into different areas.
“Hello, Sam.” The voice that came from behind me sounded like wind rustling through a million treetops.
Startled, I spun around to see a motherly looking woman with kind eyes, hair the color of cornstalks, and a pretty pastel pink dress.
“Hello, Sam,” she repeated in that windy voice of hers, “I’m Theresa.”
My mouth gaped open. “You mean like mother Theresa?”
She laughed. “No, but I was named after her, and we are good friends. Don’t worry. I get that a lot.”
I mumbled something unrecognizable.
“Don’t be shy,” she told me nicely. “I’m here to tell you why you are well, here.”
“Why I’m here?” I repeated numbly.
“Yes. Would you like to know?” Her careful eyes surveyed my face, looking for some flicker of emotion.
“Of course,” I answered, not wanting to be rude.
“Okay, but first lets go somewhere we can talk more easily.”
I started to say yes, but her face changed.
“Oh drat,” she pouted. “Sam, dear?”
“Yes?”
“I need you to do something. Do you mind going to the orange trees and waiting for me there?”
“No, not at all.”
“Good. Now go down that path, and take the second right. Then, take the next left and walk about twenty feet. The orange trees should be on your right, between the apple trees and the grape vines.” She pouted again. “You’d better go.”
I followed her directions and jogged down the path that she had pointed out. She seemed nice enough. Trustworthy, too. But I wondered; What could possibly be bothering her?
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Three Things(5)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Becca here and reporting for duty! ^^
Nitpicks;
See the comma in bold? It should be a period.
Comma before will, but you don't have to.
This would be a perfect time to say what color eyes she has. ^^ Just telling you.
Her face actually physically changed or did the emotion in her face change? Huge difference!
Description;
You had really nice description in the beginning, but in the middle there wasn't so much. You missed a few times where it would be perfect for description! Like when he met Theresa, you could describe her. And I also pointed out another on in the nitpicks.
Oh, and I just thought of something. The part where you put "Something changed in her face." I think you're talking about her facial expressions (nitpicks)? Well, how was her expression before? What was it after? You don't really know what 'change' means until you explain it.
Overall;
I agree with Rascal, the suspension you wanted just wasn't there. Maybe the expression thing? Like she suddenlty got urgent, desperate, or something? I think that would help. Maybe you could put something in there about vibes? Maybe she threw weird glances in a certain direction, at a window, the sky?
This was short, but there has been lots of improvment! Just a few things here and there!
PM me when you post more!
Becca
Im Back!!!
I want to know what is bothering the lady!!
This was amazing, but you know that already so..anyway I didn't catch to many flaws, acually I caught none.
I liked it, there was lots of descrption. I didn't see many flaws, but I do think this piece was rather short. And the suspension that suppose to be there at the end just isn't there. It doesn't make you wanna know what's bothering theresa. Maybe describ her demeanor more.
Pm when more is up love.
-Tiffany