Drifting
The blue evening glow surrounds me
as I sit near the window
taking advantage of what natural
daylight is left
to drift my pencil across textured paper
carefully shading in her gentle,
rounded features.
I glance outside
listening to the sprinklers
hit the tree trunks
rather violently.
It only disturbs me more
as I see the water flowing
into the street.
I am jealous
that they are crying more than me,
two lanes of water,
draining down the hill.
I lose my focus
from the silver smudges on the page
and I fade into thoughts
of nothing
and him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Hi,
Your imagery is really beautiful. I especially like "blue evening glow" and
"listening to the sprinklers
hit the tree trunks".
I think the first stanza is really great.
I'd cut "rather" and maybe even "rather violently".
I think "I am jealous" is a little clunky. I'd cut it or maybe change it to "Envious" if you really need it.
I felt a bit let down by
"and I fade into thoughts
of nothing
and him."
I thought it was too much telling and lacked the beautiful imagery elsewhere in the poem. I'd suggest it with concrete imagery instead, which would show the speaker's sense of removal from others.
Hope this helps,
Jas
First of all, the poem portrays a beautifal image of a person sitting on a window ledge, trying to draw. The dramatic ending of
after such a detailed ending is lovely.As a reader, i would like a bit more detail as to her feelings
and i don't understand
Overall a nice poem but if you could maybe put more detail into your writing as to emotions and less into the surroundings, or if you decide to continue, try and make to description more fluid.
-Pages
Firstly, such a beautiful poem! I loved it, at parts I did have to re-read. But other than that its Awesome!
Was my Favourite, beautiful! It made me imagine fully where he/she was and dreaming of.