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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Timmy here, as requested. :3
So, just as a quick note before I begin, this review won't be as good as I would want it, since poetry isn't my forte - plus I haven't reviewed any in a long while. Let's see how it goes, though. ^.^ Onto the review!
So forgive me if I sound rudely blunt, but I am not seeing a pattern in this, or what she is seeing with her eyes closed. Throughout the first few stanzas, it seems to me as though she is in a dream and she is "seeing" all this through her mind's eye - so perhaps this is her imagination at work. But then we move on past that to real-life seeming situations, where you're talking about a lover and her problems with him - everything having to do with him. And it left me confused. Because the two parts of this seem to conflict with each other, since they're not really the same story. The first parts of the poem (before she gets to the part about the guy) follow the title of the poem the best - Her Eyes. Once we get to the second part where she's talking about the breakup, and how he didn't love her and all that... Well, it seemed like they were forced together, and were only slightly related to each other. I really think you could look at the poem, and try to fit the two ideas together, because right now it's like you have two pieces of a puzzle, and they aren't fitting together... so the picture is hard to see properly. Work on getting them to slide into each other with ease, more points to connect them together. Just tweak it. ^.^
You can do a lot better than primitive. Think about what the word means. You're basically saying she can travel to places unknown to a cave-man's mind. Not so great, and not a feat, when it comes out like that. A stronger word is needed there.
Something you have a tendency to do in this poem is flit about like a birdie with your ideas, going to this one and then this other one and then another... and never quite finishing where you were before. Like this one ^^. Words bold and strong - what? You never finish you idea, never completed your thought there. Which, in turn, makes the line and stanza seem disjointed to match the idea within. Too many separate focuses in a poem can make the reader lose their focus, and not know where to turn. In this poem, regardless of its length (I am not saying the length was bad, although this could definitely be scrunched together as many lines seem redundant and just a drag-on of a previous, finished idea), I would say to look through and find the main focus - then make sure it remains on the forefront of the reader's mind throughout. Otherwise, your story hasn't been given to them as you wanted, and its distorted by sideline ideas butting into your message.
This so seems like the focus of the poem. This last bit, where she is talking and telling us about this guy who she thought was her everything. And yet it falls towards the end of the piece, which seems odd. It's like you're taking us down a path, showing us the landmarks all around, telling us that this is the way! But miles later, you say: "Oops. this one is what i wanted" and take us down a different road.
I think you did well in this poem, and it definitely has potential to be a great poem. You have very many phrases and lines in this I would want to cut out and read over and over, just to remember. Many of them are quite beautiful. But I would work on editing, cutting, strengthening - really, just what you would do to any piece, but paying special attention to maintaining the true focus of the piece throughout. That is the biggest weakness, because I think that I see and know what it is, but I cannot be certain - because, like I said, that part falls towards the end. I hope this helped, and gave you what you needed. Feel free to request again or comment below if you need any more reviews anywhere.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi Timmy! Yastika here to address some of the mistakes you pointed out.
I'd like you to google the meaning of primitive, the second option is 'very basic or unsophisticated in terms of comfort, convenience, or efficiency'. That is what I meant in the poem, perhaps it was confusing for you.
Notice how there is no comma after 'and slowly, slowly she sees words bold and strong', it's the same sentence as the next line, so it's basically how famous speeches change nations.
Also, in the 5th stanza, I indicated that the sea was showing her all this to drown her. Showing her the man she loved was his last tactic to drown her, atleast, that's what I meant.
Thanks for the review!
Hi pretzelsnow here for a review,
I really think that your poem is a masterpiece. It makes so much sense and it is so beautiful.
I like how you didn't rhyme but that you used long and vivid words. I love the imagery, and that you used the tactic show and not tell.My favorite line has a moral to it:
I really think that you did an excellent job.You inspired me. You thoroughly edited so that there are no grammar mistakes and that it good because that frees us up, as reviewers to focus on your beautiful content.
I just have a couple of minor things that you can fix:
I don't understand, if this girl has a primitive mind, how can she imagine all of these wondrous things. For me personally she doesn't have a primitive but the opposite of that, a sharp and ready mind.Imaginative mind.Remember in poetry to choose your words carefully.
Another line:
I personally do think that this young man unfroze her heart, because even though they didn't share feelings, falling in love always unfreezes someones heart.
Overall I really truly love this poem. The last line is catching. I hope that this review helps and keep on writing your beautiful poetry.
-pretzelsnow
Thanks!
It's beautiful! I totally love it!
Thank you!
Oh also, you used amazing vocabulary. I hope someday you become famous because you definitely have the talent to do so. I wish I could write poetry like you. You are an inspiration to me. Good job! I hope you continue to write wonderful, beautiful poems like this one. You caught my intrest so much that I want to go read more of your work. From what I see in this work, you have no errors!
I'm glad you liked it, thank you so much!
This is beautiful! I loved it! In this you described everything perfectly. I like how you decribed her heart being broken. I felt like I was in the poem. This poem definetly tells a beautiful, sad story. Like I is said this is beautiful! Good job!
Thanks!