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what new universe

by yakitsa

i wondered what creature you were

when i didn't want to write poetry about your eyes

(not in the way lovers do)

does it scare you to look in the mirror? 

windows to the soul that epitomize 

the smithereen remains of broken hearts

spread across the cosmos like

gravel in your driveway

(i remember i ran away that day

when breathing the same air as you

hurt too much.

i fell,

but later

you kissed my bruised knees

all better now?

NO, i wanted to scream)

you're beautiful like

the sunlight that filters through my favourite curtains

early day, when i awake

(you are my first thoughts-

but these rays are warm and kind-

yours? i ignite.

even the sun will be engulfed

by your heat


i'd rather lock my heart

lest it runs to you

( prison bars made of almosts

isolate far more efficiently than iron,

didn't you know?)

i don't want it stolen

i don't want it snatched

i want it

safely pulsing in it's cage

so it may race when i see you

( what new universe have you birthed me in?

tell me)

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Nov 06, 2016 3:44 am
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Yakitsa!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

At first I wasn't going to review this, because it just seems as if this poem is leagues above me, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do this to justice because seriously, wow. However, I'm going to try to review this as best as I can, and if I miss anything or don't get something right, let me know.

I like the use of parenthesis, and I saw that in the previous comment, you saw it and wanted to play around with it yourself, which is good, because it's nice to experiment with new things. Yes, parenthesis are typically used as an explanation or an afterthought, although sometimes it'd be better to just come right out and say it.

The only punctuation in this poem are the question marks, but if you are using those, you might as well use an exclamation point after the yelling in some parts, or maybe even quotation marks. But this isn't really necessary, and could just be a stylistic choice.

I think that using stanzas in the poem could help improve the flow, especially since the lines are relatively small, which could be choppy.

I want to let you know that you are an amazing poet, and I love your imagery and the way you convey your feelings and emotions. It definitely touched me, and your words were beautiful and just ahhhh <3. Keep on doing what you're doing.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^

yakitsa says...

Thanks love <3
You're too nice to be real.

yakitsa says...

Thanks love <3
You're too nice to be real.

Random avatar

Points: 262
Reviews: 1

Tue Oct 18, 2016 6:14 pm
JustBookworm wrote a review...

Hey Yakitsa!
First off, let me tell you what a beautiful and honest masterpiece you have here. It conveys your true feelings with honesty and imagery. The only thing i would change, perhaps, is the confusing amount of words in parentheses. The reason people have parentheses is to show either an explanation or an afterthought. If you need to add it as an afterthought, maybe try to cut it out, or just come right out and say it. Other than that good work!

yakitsa says...

Thanks for the feedback! You're very nice.
I actually read some poetry, and wanted to play around with the brackets. I'll think about altering the poem, though! Thanks again.

“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell